By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 5/27/2019 at 6:00 PM
Tel Aviv: The District Court of Tel Aviv has dismissed the lawsuit brought against El Al Airlines by Hatari, Iceland’s Eurovision Entry. You see, Hatari, a band
of woke rich kids committed in their own special way to social justice, decided to wave the Palestinian flag because they couldn’t find Narnia’s flag during a live Eurovision broadcast. And Israelis, being Israelis, decided to throw some serious shade, culminating in El Al allegedly giving the band purposely poor seats and service on their flight home. Hatari then responded by filing a lawsuit, which was subsequently tossed out today. You see, El Al has this tiny, and let us just stress VERY UNDESERVED reputation for…. you may want to sit down for this….. poor customer service. We know… crazy, right? (Editor’s Note: Just to be fair, we called El Al’s Toll Free Number about this rumor, but the woman yelled at us and then hung up.) So the Court resolved that there was in fact no data set of “good El Al Customer Service” with which to compare Hatari’s accusation of crappy service. The Daily Freier walked down to the courthouse to get all the facts.
We spoke to Tamar C., a bailiff at the courthouse, who read from the Court’s decision. “It is the Court’s opinion that the Band Hatari, henceforth to be referred to as ‘the plaintiff’, did not adequately prove they were purposely and maliciously served poor food, because none of us in the Courthouse can remember receiving ‘a good meal’ from El Al…. not even Sarit from the cleaning staff, and her brother works in El Al’s catering office.”
When the Daily Freier noted that the plaintiff had accused El Al of purposely placing them near extra-rude passengers, Tamar continued: “It is the Court’s opinion that the ‘very rude’ Israeli passengers the plaintiff was seated next to would not even make the tryouts for Israel’s ‘Bad Travelers’ All-Star Team.”
Tamar continued: “In addition, The Court finds that the plaintiff’s accusation of ‘targeted harassment’ from Ben Gurion Airport personnel was simply the established protocol after the band went through a Security Checkpoint and set off the Sanctimony Detector, also known as the Beinartometer.”
The Daily Freier hopes that the current crisis does not harm the very vital Israeli-Icelandic relationship.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/14/2018 at 9:00 PM
Ben Gurion Airport, Terminal 3: Jewish-American pundit Peter Beinart was briefly detained yesterday after setting off the Airport’s Sanctimony Detector. Mr. Beinart, the beating heart of the (very) Liberal (kinda) Zionist Movement, was held and questioned by Airport Security personnel after his answers to their questions triggered the Detector. The machine, known as the Sanctimonitor, began beeping loudly as Peter talked about his Solidarity trips to Hebron, his one-way feud with Bibi, and the Amazing Vegan Co-Op at the Reconstructionist Synagogue near his favorite bike path. The Daily Freier spoke with Yael Z., the alert Security Officer who initially flagged Mr. Beinart.
” The interview began normally.” explained Yael. “But then he mentioned his White Privilege, and the machine started to beep. Then he began adding the phrase “As a Jew” to Each. And. Every. Sentence….. and the machine started to go crazy. Then he mentioned ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. And ‘Tikkun Olam’. Did I mention that he said ‘Tikkun Olam’? …Finally, he compared the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to the #MeToo Movement, (Editor’s Note: Of COURSE he really once did this. And of COURSE he did it in the Forward) and the machine sort of exploded a little bit.”
Yael continued: “After we brought him to another room for further questioning, he started reading out loud from a notebook about how betrayed he felt, how things are never going to be the same, and that this might really be the last time. At first we thought it was a Taylor Swift breakup song, but it was actually just his latest article for the Forward.”
When the Daily Freier challenged Yael that she was singling Peter out, she strongly disagreed. “That’s absolutely not true. I mean, just last year we arrested Thomas Friedman for smuggling clichés.”
The Daily Freier was then able to speak directly with Mr. Beinart about the current Balagan. “I blame this on Trump. (Real World Alert: No. No. He really really Said this!!!) Peter sighed deeply and continued. “Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can keep providing Israel with my free advice on how to run their country.”
Later, the Daily Freier asked Yael if we could stop by during slow hours and play with the Sanctimonitor by ourselves, but she yelled at us and told us to leave.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 3/1/2017 at 9:30 AM
Ben Gurion Airport: A passport counterfeiting ring based out of the city of Lod was taken down when a supposed recent immigrant (“Oleh Chadash”) exhibited suspicious behavior as he entered Israel’s Ben-Gurion airport after a trip to the United States. Israeli Customs Officer Yael Z. alerted security officials when she noticed something suspicious about a passenger who arrived at her window. “His passport said he was an American Oleh” she said. “So I made my customary joke about having nothing to declare except deodorant and Ziplocs. He didn’t laugh. In fact, he looked confused…it’s like he didn’t know what Ziplocs were. Also, he never complained that Nefesh B’Nefesh wasn’t helping him enough.”
A search of the man’s bags revealed no deodorant, no Ziplocs and documents which identified him as Rami K., a 26-year-old Israeli man born and raised in Lod. Rami explained that the passport he had used was a counterfeit, bought from his brother’s friend Shuki. “My passport expired and I needed to travel to New York for my cousin’s wedding. Well…my cousin’s wedding and to get the new iPhone 7.” Rami explained. “Misrad Hapnim wanted 280 shekels for a passport but I knew that Shuki sells them for 160. Or 150 on Fridays just before Shabbat.”
Shuki was arrested and his counterfeit passport operation was shut down. Rami served 14 days in jail for passport fraud and is still confused about the whole Ziploc thing. “The customs lady was kidding, right??” he asked. “I mean, it’s just freezer bags… people don’t bring those things from America, do they? That’s just ridiculous.”
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 9/30/2016 at 4:30 PM
Ben Gurion International Airport: As World Leaders depart Israel after paying their respects to the late Statesman Shimon Peres, United States Secretary of State has added another diplomatic feather to his cap, having successfully negotiated a 7,000 Shekel ($1,800) taxi cab ride from Jerusalem to Ben Gurion International Airport. The Daily Freier spoke with Mr. Kerry at Terminal One about how he successfully secured the price for his 34 mile journey with Shlomo, a Jerusalem cab driver.
“Having been in the diplomatic game for some time, I have an appreciation for the subtleties and nuance of Middle Eastern discourse and bargaining that may escape others.” explained the Secretary of State before launching into a small anecdote about how Akko reminds him of Martha’s Vineyard.
(This article appears on Times of Israel today. Click Here to Check it Out!)
(photo credit: Israel Airports Authority)
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 6/29/2016 at 11:40 AM
Lod: Terminal One of Ben Gurion International Airport is in police custody today after killing a woman’s nostalgia for “the Old Israel” of her youth. Orly G., a dual Israeli-American citizen, had just finished 2 weeks of visiting childhood friends and her cousins’ Kibbutz in the North and was en route to the United States when the crime occurred. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to get the facts.
“It just happened so quickly.” explained a visibly shaken Orly. “I got to the Airport with my husband Avi two hours early. He’s flying to London for business, and when we got to the Airport it turned out that his flight was out of the main terminal and my flight to New York was out of Terminal One. That’s where things started to go wrong.”
Orly continued to explain. “I have to admit that all the time on the Kibbutz and catching up with my friends had made me reminisce of the old times…..But then, Avi goes straight through security to the big Terminal with the giant fountain and the atrium and the good Wi-Fi and the sushi. And me? I get to stand outside and wait for a bus. And when the bus gets to Terminal One, it’s like the ceilings were lowered another 5 feet or something. And the color scheme of the Terminal….it’s like they worked hard to make you more depressed or something….Don’t get me started on the Duty Free….. Even the guys at Security seemed depressed that they had to work there instead of in the Happy Place…..The whole week, I’ve been reminiscing about life here in the ’90’s. Well guess what? I’m done with all that. Next time I want nostalgia I’ll listen to the Black Crowes. Oh and the whole time Avi kept helpfully sending selfies of him drinking Stella and eating sashimi….I’m still not speaking to him.”
After Orly’s moving statement, the Daily Freier joined with other members of the Press to witness Terminal One being escorted into the Lod Police Station under heavy guard, and were able to snap photos of Terminal One with moustache and unruly Jewfro, dressed in a lime green leisure suit, brown pointy shoes, and a ruffled shirt unbuttoned to his navel in the same color scheme as the chairs in the Terminal. He attempted to scream out that he was innocent, but his mouth was full of sunflower seeds.
UPDATE: Orly’s current mood brightened somewhat after landing at JFK and discovering that Airports can in fact suck even more than Terminal One.
(Photo Credit: This is Spinal Tap)
By Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 3/12/2016 at 4:50 PM
Tel Aviv: Spinal Tap’s much-anticipated bookings in Israel for their 2016 Summer Tour have placed the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions gang in a bit of a conundrum: how to boycott and shame a band that doesn’t really, like “exist”. Yet this has not stopped BDS, with the level-headed pragmatists at Electronic Intifada leading the way. “We’ve stalked all the real bands, so we were like, why not harass a fake band on a fake tour? I mean, isn’t that the point of BDS? To get worked up about something that never really existed?”
BDS’ efforts have recently received a boost, with Roger Waters chastising his fellow veterans of the British scene for their plans to rock their Israeli fans. Asked to describe how annoying Mr. Waters’ pestering has become on a scale from 1 to 10, Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel described the Ex Pink Floyd frontman as “going to 11“
For their part, the members of Spinal Tap had specific questions about Israel. Bassist Derek Smalls appeared to have real concerns about Ben Gurion Airport’s famed security.
Not to be outdone, new BDS powerhouse Vassar College joined the scrum, declaring that if Spinal Tap played Israel, they would not be welcome at their campus, before admitting that nobody really wants to play in Poughkeepsie anyway.