Tag: Church of the Holy Sepulchre

Jerusalem, Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Sneak Preview: Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s Movie!

Stop the Presses! The Daily Freier has a sneak preview of Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s new movie about her adventures in Jerusalem! That’s right, Sarah is shooting a movie in Jerusalem this week, and we have an exclusive look at some of the scenes! How did we do it, you ask? We waited nonchalantly at the bottom of Machane Yehuda while she exited a cab with 3 cats and accidentally dropped a page of the screenplay. This sort of thing happens to us more than you think. But don’t take our word for it, see for yourselves! Just remember you saw it here first!

Scene: Security Checkpoint at entrance to City Hall Plaza. Sarah is arguing with a police officer.

Sarah: Smadar, why are you going through my purse?

Smadar: I’m looking for something.

Sarah: Smadar, you’ve known me for years. I once got you into the good lounge at Ben Gurion. What are you talking about?

Smadar (grabs a small packet): Found it.

Sarah: But Smadar, that’s bird seed!!!

Smadar: Yes and yesterday when you were here, the pigeons in the plaza somehow arranged themselves to read “Bibi Sucks“.

Sarah (looks into the distance): Wow…ummm… that’s… that’s just crazy. It doesn’t even make any sense…

Smadar (throws packet in the trash): Yom Tov, Sarah.

Scene: Jaffa Gate. Two young women dressed in the style of religious modesty are sitting on a bench quietly chatting in North American accented English. Sarah approaches from the Citadel of David.

Sarah: Ladies, can I just tell you that I love your dresses? It’s so cool that you can be Tznius and look Amazing at the same time, right?

(The women stare blankly in confusion)

Sarah: I’m so glad you came to Jerusalem for a year of Sem. But I mean, it’s Thursday evening! Shouldn’t you be down at Crack Square looking for your future husbands???

(Sarah grabs the women by the hand and pulls them up.)

Sarah: Come on, let’s walk down there together. I was going to Mike’s Place anyway! But hold my flask for a minute while I put away this jar of labneh that I got from my friend Rania!

Young Woman (slightly frightened): Umm, we’re like Latter Day Saints from Idaho, and we’re at BYU Jerusalem serving our mission?

Sarah: OMG

Scene: Church of the Holy Sepulchre Rooftop, mid-morning. Sarah is sitting next to an Ethiopian Orthodox Priest. Two German tourists are taking photos of a crow as it persistently pecks at a discarded plastic tub of hummus.

Sarah: Which brings us back to the question of the historical Jesus, and how we can center him in a 1st Century fight for social justice against a corrupted priesthood in collusion with a despotic Roman Empire. I mean, you could only pay your tithe at the Temple with their coin, so it’s basically a Monopoly preying on the poor. But at the same time, we can’t forget John the Baptist. I mean you guys call him the precursor, right? But does he have a role independent of…

Priest: Sarah my friend, your knowledge of our shared history is vast. But is it impolite in your culture if I ask you to pass the joint now?

(Fade to Black)

Jerusalem, Tel Aviv Living

Jerusalem Syndrome victim rushed to Tel Aviv for emergency dose of pretentious self-involvement

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/29/2018 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem, Church of the Holy Sepulchre: A man was airlifted to Tel Aviv yesterday with only moments to spare after suffering from an acute attack of “Jerusalem Syndrome“. You see, Jerusalem tends to drive people nuts. And not just “OMG This is such an A-Ma-Zing party city! We can even drink beer in the Shuk!”  No, we’re talking “I believe I am a Central Character from a Major World Religion and I intend to dress the part. Footwear optional.”

So when a barefoot bearded man wearing a white robe started hanging around the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, authorities were immediately suspicious. And as he got more and more “in-character”, paramedics were on alert. Finally, as he began to quote the Book of Revelation, the man was ushered out the door to a waiting helicopter. Yair S., one of the paramedics on board, explained.

“We were going to rush him to Tel Aviv on the High-Speed Rail, but we needed to arrived some time that day, so we decided to airlift him instead. And by the time we got him to the chopper, he was quickly fading and we knew we only had moments to put him on the path to being a shallow and self-absorbed Tel Avivian. So as my partner placed a pair of stupid sunglasses on his face and a bluetooth in his ear, I braided his hair into a man-bun. By the time we reached Icholov, he was stabilized. Thankfully, his beard was just fine as-is.”

The Daily Freier was able to visit Icholov Hospital’s state-of-the-art “De-Jerusalemization Chamber“, where the man was currently under treatment. Dr. Chaim T. described the man’s progress. “So we have him on a steady diet of Cafe hafuch, freshly squeezed juice, and muesli from that place on Dizengoff. And I must say, he’s making great progress. Just an hour ago, he told me that he’s ‘an influencer’. With any luck, by next week he will be voting Meretz.” Doctor Chaim then peered into the chamber and jumped with excitement. “Good news! Good news! He just went onto Secret Tel Aviv to try to get laid!”

UPDATE: As the story went to print, Icholov Hospital proudly announced that the man had moved to Florentin and now claims to be a graffiti artist. Also, he now blogs from a nearby vegan coffee shop and is collaborating on an app that helps you procure a medical marijuana prescription for your dog.