- Non-stop Matkot Games really ruined the vibe at Sea of Tranquility.
- Monthly resupply shuttle delayed again by Waze.
- Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s heartwarming blog posts about the juice guy at the Space Shuk.
- Mechitza running down the middle of the Geodesic Dome is really inconvenient.
- Astronaut burns out satellite-relay after calling her mom in Hadera 6 times in one day.
- Code Red Emergency after Fax Machine runs out of paper.
- Patrol still missing 2 days after leaving perimeter “to find the moon’s best hummus place”.
- Can somebody do something about these annoying electric lunar scooters?
- Tamar Zandberg sure is spending a lot of time in the greenhouse module.
- Nobody knows when Shabbat ends.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 9/30/2016 at 4:30 PM
Ben Gurion International Airport: As World Leaders depart Israel after paying their respects to the late Statesman Shimon Peres, United States Secretary of State has added another diplomatic feather to his cap, having successfully negotiated a 7,000 Shekel ($1,800) taxi cab ride from Jerusalem to Ben Gurion International Airport. The Daily Freier spoke with Mr. Kerry at Terminal One about how he successfully secured the price for his 34 mile journey with Shlomo, a Jerusalem cab driver.
“Having been in the diplomatic game for some time, I have an appreciation for the subtleties and nuance of Middle Eastern discourse and bargaining that may escape others.” explained the Secretary of State before launching into a small anecdote about how Akko reminds him of Martha’s Vineyard.
London: The Daily Freier joins the Staff of Israellycool in mourning one Big Naqba of a Breakup: The end of the Roger Waters-Rula Jebreal Couplehood. The BDS power couple, who seemed to have
more sexual chemistry than Yassar Arafat and his bodyguards back in the ’70’s that special spark, called it quits. Rula apparently spent the morning returning all of the gifts Roger had given her, to include 3 keffiyehs, some really good hummus from Jericho, and a sturdy shovel.
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 9/5/2016 at 7:00 AM
Jerusalem: Prospects for peace took a turn for the better this week as leaders in the Middle East tried to emulate the goofy logic of Donald ‘The Donald‘ Trump. Suddenly, longstanding enemies have decided to pay for each others’ infrastructure projects, boosting the chances of a less violent 2017.
The day after US presidential hopeful Donald Trump claimed that Mexico would pay for a long wall that HE wants to build, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu was inspired by such an act of generosity, making the Palestinians an offer they can’t refuse. He agreed to pay for the conversion of the maze of tunnels built by Hamas under Israel into affordable housing, offering small (your realtor called them “cozy”) 2.5 room flats with modern conveniences unknown in Israel such as an actual kitchen, a living room where people can sit, functioning air conditioning units and an IKEA shelving unit tailored for grenades. Tel Aviv residents have already begun to include the tunnels into their searches on Yad Shtayim.
Hamas’ northern buddies Hezbollah seemed to appreciate the gesture by Bibi, immediately offering to pay for a higher barbed wire fence separating Lebanon from Israel. Hezbollah leader, Hassan Nasrallah confirmed on their Al Manar Television Station: “We still remain opposed to The Zionist Entity’s right to be on any map but we wanted to make it a little more challenging for our pious and motivated fighters when they fire rockets over the barbed wire. So we set up a standing order to import the metal wire from all of Bar Refaeli’s bras.”
The Egyptians called for a ceasefire between its army and the various terrorists wandering around Sinai, who were getting bored with shooting tin cans off the backs of camels. Cairo has built a second set of Pyramids – out of chickpeas – to offer 3 star accommodation to the violent jihadists. Tragically, thirty fighters died when one of the Pyramids collapsed Jenga-style after a local housewife took a handful to make hummus.
(Photo Credits: Tel Avivi)
By Joshua Rodin
Last Updated 7/27/2016 at 8:20 AM
Tel Aviv: The Israeli Municipal and National Police have put out a National Alert for a missing American tourist, last seen 72 hours ago. According to the Police Report, the missing person’s name is Sarah [insert another initial here]. Sarah, described as 21 years old, brunette, 5’2″, was last seen by friends on her way to locate “The Best Hummus Spot in Tel Aviv”.
“Yeah, I have no idea where she could have gone.” said David R., a friend of Sarah’s and a fellow team member from one of Israel’s countless and easily forgettable MASA programs. “The last thing she said to me was that this really nice Israeli guy told her about an amazing hummus spot in Tel Aviv (‘much better than all the others’) near the Carmel Market and that she was going to check it out…. And that was the last I heard of her.” David stared at the floor with a worried look on his face, “I mean she should have been back days ago, not to mention the fact that clearly the best Hummus place is Falafel Gabay on Dizengoff.”
Israeli Police who searched for Sarah since early Tuesday say that they have yet to find her but have identified several witnesses throughout the city who have claimed to have spoken to a woman who matches that description.
Yossi L., a long-time resident of Tel Aviv of 5 months claims to have spoken to Sarah that very day. “Yes, emmmmmm, I saw the American girl, she came up to me asking for directions. She was looking for the best hummus restaurant in Tel Aviv and it was supposed to be located the Carmel Market. I realized immediately she must have been lost and confused since the best hummus is on Pinsker Street and I quickly redirected her.” Yossi smiled and continued his story. “I mean Hummus HaCarmel is okay I guess but the real stuff is obviously Hummus Mashawsha.”
Police scoured Pinsker Street for clues but soon discovered that Sarah had already left the area. Another witness, Chaim T., seems to have spoken to Sarah as well, “Yes I saw her but she seemed very dazed and confused, looking for the best hummus on Pinsker Street when she should have been in Yafo at Abu Dhabi.” adding quickly with a broad smile, “Obviously I gave her directions … only 5 different buses with Moovit, not Waze!”
Israeli Police Spokesperson Adi F. remained confident when speaking with the press today, saying “This is not an unusual event, we lose track of 3-25 tourists every year and they usually turn up … eventually.” Adi quickly added, “She’s almost certainly located at Abu Hassan. Which is hands-down the best Hummus in Tel Aviv.”
UPDATE: Relieved residents learned this morning that Sarah is alive and well. While wandering Yafo yesterday, Sarah suffered from heat exhaustion and alert bystanders rushed her to the nearest medical facility, Doctor Shakshuka. She is still sipping Limonana and looking at the menu because “there are just so many choices“.
This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars. According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now. But no. This town is crawling with dudes. If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.
And where are all these guys’ clothes? I don’t get it. I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot. It’s hardly June. And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it. And why is everyone in such good shape? That dude over there is ripped. The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous. I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe? I should go ask him.
Last Updated 5/16/2016 at 4:30 PM
Jerusalem, Givat Ram: Government and Academic sources, speaking at a Conference held at the Academy of the Hebrew Language, made an astonishing admission today: that the use of Vowels in Hebrew is just one giant punk on Olim.
“Honestly, we never thought it would go on this long.” chuckled Professor Binyamin M. “After the Six Day War, a lot of Western Olim started showing up to volunteer, and some of the Kibbutzniks thought it would be funny to tell them that there were special invisible dots and lines underneath the letters that they can’t see but that they must say. And they went along with it! I guess the Emperor really wears no clothes.”
President Rivlin, who was on site to present an award for the best new Hebrew playwright, couldn’t contain his laughter. “It’s all a joke! Kamatz, Patach, Segol. We even wondered if we could force Olim to draw a Tic-Tac-Toe Board, so we made up the Shuruk! Good times!”
The Academy explained that when an Oleh does something particularly Israeli, they hold a secret ceremony and read them into the joke. Jessica, a Canadian Olah Hadashah who recently screamed at a man on an electric bicycle for 5 minutes without letting go of the 11 dogs she was walking, while eating a sandwich and keeping up with 2 Whats-App Group conversations before finally ending the argument and discreetly giving the man her phone number, explained. “So yeah, after my little “incident”, the head of Misrad HaKlita brought me to Hebrew University for the ceremony.” When the Daily Freier asked Jessica if she could describe the ceremony, she insisted that she had been sworn to secrecy. When the Daily Freier asked her if the ceremony involved hummus, she changed the subject.