Ra’anananadingdong: Israelis were frightened to their very core this week with the release of a chilling dystopian novel depicting life in a future Israel that is run by Anglo Olim. The novel, entitled “Lo Hevanti” (second choice: “Avshar Mayim?“), tells the story of an Israel in the year 2021 that is completely run by recent immigrants from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, South Africa, and Australia. The story takes place two years after all the other Israelis got so tired of listening to Anglos tell them how much better we would run things if we were in charge…..so they all just threw up their hands and told us to have at it. And the whole balagan turns into “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. Except with better lunch options. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier sat in on a Literary Salon in Neve Tzedek as they reviewed “Lo Hevanti” and discussed how scared they were after reading it.
The Salon’s hostess started off the conversation. “So the Anglos rule that any argument on Secret Tel Aviv that lasts longer than 10 threads must then go to the Knesset for resolution…… and then the Knesset passes a law outlawing anyone from buying or selling dogs…..it just seemed so….so…. real. Also, when they got Nefesh B’ Nefesh to amend the Basic Law so it now said that ‘Everything must be convenient.’….I couldn’t sleep that night.”
Finally, Florentin poet Meirav spoke up. “Hey! No spoilers! I’ve only read up to the point where the Prime Minister orders MK Tuttle-Singer to stop blogging while a motion is up for debate on the Knesset Floor.”
Jerusalem: Israel’s Anglo community was rocked to its core yesterday after a team of Turkish Islamist hackers took down their website for much of the afternoon and evening, forcing its loyal readers to stop trolling each other in the comments section until well past 9 PM. Times of Israel spokesperson Danny C. explained.
Yet with today’s tragedy also come tales of heroism. The Jerusalem Post’s Web Designers and IT Department are being hailed as modern-day Maccabees after their clunky and confusing web interface frustrated the hacker’s attempts to take down J-Post. The Daily Freier was able to speak via Skype to a hacker going by the name “Cenk”.
“We really wanted to take down all of the news sites of you Zionist dogs, no offense.” explained Cenk. “The Times, Jerusalem Post, Haaretz….. actually Haaretz can stay. Anyways, once we were inside of J-Post’s site, we could do nothing. I mean, none of our guys are familiar with Windows 95 or WordPerfect. We just feel like total failures right now.”
When the Daily Freier asked Cenk why we weren’t hacked, he told us that while we were also “idiot Zionists“, our web traffic numbers “just couldn’t justify the time and effort.”
Humans of Israel and Beyond! This week the Daily Freier challenged you to build your own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article…..and almost 800 of you took time out of your busy schedules of trolling each other to participate in the contest. We had incredible results. Amazing results. The best results. Just the best. So much winning. We actually got bored of winning! Anyways, without further ado, here are the runner-ups and the winner of this auspicious contest. Shabbat Shalom!
SECOND RUNNER UP!
Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to troll Secret Tel Aviv. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about my dry cleaner who used to be in Hamas but now is into tai-chi. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a cat that hangs around outside the medical marijuana building getting a contact high. Which reminds me of why I really really can’t stand Bibi. And don’t get me started on Trump today. The wall!
Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to get really baked and crank call Likud Headquarters. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about the Palestinian woman who knows every episode of Seinfeld. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a Palestinian barber who keeps giving me advice about my use of punctuation. Which reminds me of why…. Hey! Are you even paying attention? I can’t stand Bibi! And don’t get me started on Trump today. He should be impeached!
Love reading Sarah’s musings on life in Israel, rants about all things Trumpian, and where to get the best hummus…. but don’t have time to scan the Times of Israel? Well fear not, for the Daily Freier has created a machine so advanced, you can build your very own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article. From scratch. And we conducted a blindfolded survey of 10 random people off the street, and none of them could tell the difference between our product and the real thing. We guarantee. Or your money back. So just hit the “Start Survey” button below and build your own story about flasks, the best pomegranate guy at the Shuk, and some not so nice words about The Donald. On Friday we will write a story using your most popular entries. You’re welcome.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.