Tag: Sarah Tuttle-Singer

HaShem: I created IfNotNow to show the World that Jews can also be Idiots

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/16/2019 at 11:45 AM

Gan Eden: Today HaShem/G-d/The One Who Created the Universe shared news that was both shocking and kinda made sense: that (Preferred Pronoun) created IfNotNow in order to convince the Gentiles that Jews are also capable of being complete idiots. You see, IfNotNow is the Woke Jewish Left’s answer to a question that none of us really asked. Or a secret plan to make Jewish Voice for Peace seem a bit less nuts. Anyhoo, IfNotNow has created a new generation of Woke Jewish Leadership that has bravely called out such “Pro-Occupation, Pro-Kahanist” Israelis as….ummm….Sarah Tuttle-Singer. So in order to hear all about this first-hand, The Daily Freier spoke with HaShem today via Skype from somewhere in the South Pacific where Shabbat has already ended.

The problem is that I’ve created some amazing ones: Einstein, RGB, Sandy Koufax, Golda, Maimonides.” explained HaShem as (don’t forget to add a pronoun here) lazily worked on a new species of marsupials. “Heck even my goofy concepts like Rabbi Shmuley or Geraldo Rivera…. at the end of the day they’re still basically smart, level-headed people. So I needed a creation that says to the world ‘Hey: Jews aren’t so special. They can also be complete simpletons who are so Woke that they get mad at Israel for attacking Hamas without mentioning that Hamas just fired missiles out of the blue at Tel Aviv.’ Know what I’m saying?” [Editors Note: The missile alert also forced the author of this piece to have awkward conversations in the hallway with that neighbor downstairs who we never see for months at a time.]

The Daily Freier then asked the Tetragrammaton when (Concept that exists outside the limits of Time and Space. But with Masculine and Feminine Aspects) first came up with the concept of a clique of Woke Jewish Dorks with their own Twitter handle. “Well at first it was just a side project a few years back while I was tinkering with a new strain of romaine lettuce. But then I remembered that in the Talmud it says ‘And there shall be an Army of kids who went to NYU and are still mad at their parents/therapists. And verily I shall find the most Basic ones from among them to be their leaders’….OK OK I never really said that. But I could have if I wanted to. So there, I just said it. Write that down. Baruch Hashem!…..Wait….Can I say that? Is that a bit cocky?

The Daily Freier asked Adonai if it’s checked IfNotNow’s Twitter feed lately, so the YudHeyVavHey  scrolled through (whatever possessive pronoun offends you the least) iPhone. “Wow…..just wow….OK that’s really dumb. Maybe I should have just brought back mastodons. Everybody loves mastodons.”

As Hashem left to prepare the world for the week to come, the Daily Freier asked what lay ahead in the future for IfNotNow. “Who knows, maybe they will move to Israel after their Woke “Allies” inevitably turn on them some time in the year Two Thousand and…..”. Then our Skype call got disconnected.

 

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Top Ten Surprises from Israel’s Moon Base

  1. Non-stop Matkot Games really ruined the vibe at Sea of Tranquility.
  2. Monthly resupply shuttle delayed again by Waze.
  3. Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s heartwarming blog posts about the juice guy at the Space Shuk.
  4. Mechitza running down the middle of the Geodesic Dome is really inconvenient.
  5. Astronaut burns out satellite-relay after calling her mom in Hadera 6 times in one day.
  6. Code Red Emergency after Fax Machine runs out of paper.
  7. Patrol still missing 2 days after leaving perimeter “to find the moon’s best hummus place”.
  8. Can somebody do something about these annoying electric lunar scooters?
  9. Tamar Zandberg sure is spending a lot of time in the greenhouse module.
  10. Nobody knows when Shabbat ends.

Tell Sarah Tuttle-Singer to share more of her thoughts/ideas. Cuz we have Writer’s Block.

sarah-tuttle-singer-narrates-you-waze-directionsSo the Daily Freier is suffering from Writer’s Block. Bigly. We’ve tried everything, even showing up at a Secret Tel Aviv job fair totally baked, but Jonny saw us and (very politely) asked us to leave. Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, our case of writer’s block. And, yada yada yada, Sarah Tuttle-Singer! You see, while some petitions seek to shut Sarah down, or shut down the people who want to shut her down, or umm… something about her hair style?….our petition wants Sarah to share MORE. We want Sarah to share more than a vegan cross-fit enthusiast who trades Bitcoin. We want Sarah to share more than your friend who wants to tell you all about his/her/preferred pronoun’s latest juice cleanse. Because we are all out of story ideas this week. And even though you people were less than helpful with our previous petitions trying to reinstate Oren Hazan (again, writer’s block) and trying to get ourselves banned from Israel’s school curriculum (really!), we hold out hope that you, our reading public will do us a solid.

Do it for us. Do it for her Arab cab driver who listens to Carlebach. Do it for the vegan Chabadnik who never lets her win at Shesh-Besh. Do it for the totally chill lesbian off-the-derech couple who always let her use the bathroom in their makolet when she’s walking home from Crave. Do it for The Gay Mizrahi truck driver who always sells the best pomegranates.

So please send the following message: “Help us Obi Tuttle-Kenobi, you’re our only hope.”  And sign the petition here.

(Hugs),

The Daily Freier

Nefesh B’Nefesh denies claim that every Olah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah

(left to right: Rachel, Sarah-Rachel, Rachel)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 6/22/2018 at 3:50 PM

Jerusalem: Israeli non-profit Nefesh B’Nefesh is speaking out today to denounce published reports that every woman who made Aliyah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah. Or Sara. Or Rakhel. Or Rochel. Or Racheli…. Anyhoo, they are not happy about that rumor and are now setting the record straight.

This is just ridiculous.” admonished Sarah B., a Nefesh B’Nefesh spokesperson from the Jerusalem office. “You really shouldn’t believe everything you hear. It’s like you’re totally ignoring the Leahs. And the Devorahs. And the Devorah Leahs.

In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier reached out to members of the local community to get their take on this important story.

That just doesn’t even make any sense.” mused Rachel S. as she walked her dogs on Bograshov Street. “Like how do people come up with this stuff?

Fake News!” wrote Sara L. on her popular Aliyah BlogSara’s Adventures in the Shuk!

OMG where did you hear something so silly?” asked Rachel E. from the Jewish Agency’s Public Affairs Department.

First I’ve heard of this.” stated Rakhel W., the Officer in Charge of the IDF’s Olah hadasha code talker unit.

This is the sort of propaganda that I would expect to hear in the age of Trump and Bibi.” complained local author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. “Also, you forgot to add Jessica.

In other news, Nefesh B’Nefesh today also denied allegations that their next citizenship ceremony will be held at “a nice sushi place with a hecshcher.”

 

 

 

 

 

Critics fear Embassy Move will cause renewed outbreak of Sarah Tuttle-Singer articles

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2018 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem, Crave Gourmet Street Food: With tensions high following yesterday’s opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem, experts are bracing for a serious escalation. That’s right: a whole bunch of articles, posts, and Blog entries by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. And Can I Just Tell You? Things are about to get real. The Daily Freier spoke with multiple sources on and off the record to find out just what the heck is about to happen.

I know that Turkey recalled its Ambassadors to the United States and Israel yesterday, and I guess that’s kind of important.” stated a Western European Ambassador posted in Tel Aviv. “But what if Sarah writes an article tomorrow where she sips spiced wine and discusses the Occupation with two Lesbian settlers and a Christian Arab clockmaker on a rooftop in the Armenian Quarter at 3 AM. Then what, huh?

Others were equally pessimistic, including an unnamed official from the Jewish Agency. “What if she gets together with a Slovakian backpacker with A-MA-ZING cheekbones and an Imam from Nazareth who tells risqué jokes in Yiddish…. and they decide to solve the worlds problems over a pack of Marlboro Lites? We’re simply not prepared.”

“I hear she’s been illegally stockpiling Laphroaig Anecdotes in contravention to Established Treaties.” whispered a U.N Peacekeeper at Mike’s Place while on R&R from his base in the Golan. “And you never know when she will decide to use them.”

Yet despite feelings of angst throughout the City, there were others who seemed more optimistic. “I’m pretty relaxed about the whole thing.” noted The Gay Mizrahi Truck Driver Who Always Sells The Best Pomegranates.

 

 

 

 

Sarah Tuttle-Singer narrates your Waze directions!

So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, our much beloved President/National Grandfather Reuven Rivlin is lending his voice to the Israeli driving app Waze! How amazing is that? But did you know that President Rivlin was not their first choice? Waze tested several other Israeli public figures, yet for various reasons, it just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier was able to steal acquire the transcripts of the celebrities rejected for this honor. And this week we will review them all: Your Nefesh B’ Nefesh Aliyah Counselor, The Netanyahus (Bibi, Sara, and Yair!), the Editorial Board of Haaretz, Aryeh Deri, and the Israeli guy you just matched with on Tindr who currently wants to bang you and/or invite you to his Cousin’s wedding next week in Hadera. But today? Today we present you the rejected Waze narration from Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer! So without further ado, here are the transcripts!


(Time 11:00, Jerusalem, Davidka Square)

Oh hey! So you need to drive to Ben Gurion for a 3 PM flight? No problem, I know this city like the back of my hand, I even wrote a book about it! So let’s take this Amazing secret passage through Machane Yehuda! You see, last Purim I kissed a Haredi Woman there. No really! We were both wearing masks, but we all wear different masks every day of our lives, right? I mean when you think about…..wait a second, turn left here…..So anyway, we kissed and it was incredible….. Careful, the light’s about to turn red….But anyways, it was Purim, so, I mean like YOLO, right?

(Time: 11:57, Jaffa Street)

You may want to turn left here, they’ve been doing construction on this road for months and making like ZERO progress but when I asked the foreman what the holdup was, we sat down over a cup of sahlab and got in a long talk about his Army service and why he always plays Scrabble on Simchat Torah and…..wait a second, where was I? OMG the kiss? Can I tell you about the kiss? So as we finally broke our embrace, I swept away the bangs of her sheitl and we were both just so present in the moment. And as we parted our separate ways into the Jerusalem darkness, I could hear her voice echo off the ancient cobblestones: “Sei Gezunt!”……OK, let’s head toward the Damascus Gate. No, don’t worry it’s totally chill. And sorry but I’m going to have to insist that you stop at my friend Mustafa’s cafe for the BEST Arabic coffee in the city. Don’t worry, we have time. I mean, the cardamom? Can I tell you about the cardamo….. Take your second right in the roundabout….I could write an entire short story on how the taste of the cardamom lingers on the tongue and takes you back to the 15th Century and to long ago villages and Winter rain and first love and…..

(Time: 12:49, somewhere near the Siloam Pools)

OK I think we’re lost right now. Wait, I can fix this. Can you drive until you see a furniture shop with this tall guy standing outside with the most incredible green eyes so even when I knew he was kinda overcharging me to re-upholster my couch, I didn’t care because I mean, easy on the eyes? (Get it? Get it?)

(Time: 13:26, The American Colony)

OMG OMG OMG stop the car! That’s Sarit, and she makes the most INCREDIBLE jewelry out of Goldstar bottle caps, dental floss, 10 Agurot coins, and tree sap! Can you run in and give her a hug for me and tell her that I’m sorry I missed her son’s Bris but that we totally need to catch up over drinks at Crave? It will only take a minute.

(Time: 14:08, Ammunition Hill)

OK, it looks like you might not make your flight, but I mean, isn’t life really about the journey?

Exclusive Preview: Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s new Book!

While all of you wait impatiently for Sarah’s new book on life in Jerusalem to come out, running old Daily Freier algorithms to build your own Sarah-Tuttle Singer article while trying to somehow find a way that the Israeli postal system will allow you to order the real thing from Amazon, the Daily Freier managed to steal a page of her final draft. How did we do it you ask? By patiently waiting at Crave Street Food until she got distracted by the arrival of her friend the Gay Mizrahi truck driver who always sells the best pomegranates. And we passed on this excerpt to YOU, our loyal readers. Don’t thank us. We’re not listening. So without further ado, behold a page of the manuscript!

 


……. seriously mixed feelings because how was I supposed to know that my Internet troll would be so cute in real life? I know, right? But anyway, let me tell you about the time my Palestinian cab driver was listening to Carlebach and OMG can I just tell you? Crave’s bathroom stocks free tampons! Hella Woke, Am I right? So then I’m just walking through Machane Yehuda rummaging through my purse for a coin for the scratch-off lottery ticket that I bought from that really funky Makolet that’s run by the totally chill lesbian Off the Derech couple who always let me use their bathroom when I have to pee. So where was I? OK so I’m drinking from my flask of Laphroaig 18 Years. The peat? OMG can I tell you about the peat? But anyway, I bought it at the Heathrow Duty Free, and the cashier was wearing full hijab. And we had an amazing moment in the checkout line that reminded me that anything is possible if we just…. wait a second. I think I misjudged the strength of the edibles that I took an hour ago and the last time this happened I ended up walking the entire ancient road from Ramle to Yafo and got these Painful blisters because I was wearing flats that were kinda too big but I didn’t have time to return them because Crave had just changed their menu and can I just tell you? Their lamb bacon? Better than the real thing. So anyway, let me tell you about the ride back. So I’m standing on the platform waiting for my train and I sneezed. Because it’s cold out. And I wasn’t wearing a coat. Don’t judge, OK? So Yeah. I sneezed. And then do you know what happened? This Haredi guy turned to me and said “Sei Gezunt”. Which was just incredible. Kind of like the time I went to Mid-Burn in the Negev and accidentally joined a cult for 6 hours before I figured out that the mushrooms must have been……