Tag: Mahmoud Abbas

Hanukkah Miracle as Abbas Begins 11th Year of His 4-Year Presidency

This Joke is Now 3 Years Old!
Abbas Airlines(We originally published on the Times of Israel in 2015, but miraculously Abbas is still the President 3 years later. Happy 14th Anniversary Abu Mazen!)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/29/2015 at 1:20 PM

 

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After Zoabi’s Kristallnacht Speech in Amsterdam, Nasrallah Hoping For an Invite to Yom HaShoah Next Year

hanin-zoabi-amsterdam.jpg

(Photo Credit: The Times of Israel)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 6:20 PM

Amsterdam, The Netherlands: After controversial MK Hanin Zoabi’s (Joint List) speech at an Amsterdam Kristallnacht commemoration, Hezbullah Leader Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah feels that “the time is ripe” for him to address next year’s Yom HaShoah commemoration in that city. “Hanin, my sister in the struggle with the Zionist Entity, just did an amazing job.  The way she took a commemoration of a Nazi pogrom against Jews and turned it into an anti-Israel screed….amazing.  But I think this is just the beginning.  Maybe  if my Iranian handlers say that it’s cool, I can make it up to Amsterdam next year for Yom HaShoah. To commemorate the Holocaust. You know, if it really happened.”  When asked what a man who promised to hunt down Jews worldwide  would have to say about the Holocaust, Nasrallah noted; “Well I was thinking of saying that Israel created ISIS.  But if that’s not a good fit then my Brother Mahmoud Abbas knows a few things on this subject.”  As for Ms. Zoabi, while she enjoyed the event commemorating the Nazis’ systematic destruction of German Jewry, she was disappointed in that she thought it would be more of an instructional “how-to” event.

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Aspiring Jihadist Disappointed that Paradise is Full of Jews, Smells like a Jerusalem Hospital

Resizer

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/18/2015 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem: Ahmed Manasrah is pretty upset. Last week when he and his cousin stabbed two Jews, including a 13 year old kid on a bicycle, he was pretty sure he was on a one way ticket to a paradise full of hot chicks with large eyes and firm breasts just for him.  But now he’s woken up in what looks for all intents and purposes like an Israeli hospital. And worse, it’s crawling with Jews.  “This it total bullshit.”  fumed an annoyed Ahmed.  “According to my timeline, I should have gotten at least to second base by now with one of those chicks they promised me.  But no.  I mean, one of the nurses is kinda pretty, but she’s really bossy and always tells me what to do. ‘Go to bed, time to eat, time to go to the bathroom.’  This just sucks.

When asked by the Daily Freier if maybe he is in fact still alive and staying in a Jerusalem hospital, Ahmed was emphatic. “Nonsense! President Abbas says that I am dead.  And he never lies about anything!”

Ahmed continued his rant; “This place totally blows. It’s like I died and went to Jew Heaven.”   While Ahmed holds out hope that things will turn around, the head nurse just stopped by to tell him that the only virgins in the building are the guys in the basement Tech Support/IT office who play World of Warcraft.  And there’s only five of them.