1. Doctor Fauci told everyone to stay home.
2. Still heartbroken over the Kim and Kanye breakup.
3. I’m binge-watching Fauda.
4. Peter Beinart keeps sexting me.
5. Climate Change
6. Ahed Tamimi ate all the food at the polling stations.
7. Can I still blame this on Trump?
8. Didn’t want to detract from Pride Week next month.
9. The wild pigs that the Zionists release every night (wait, he really said this).
10. Just trying to help the Daily Freier write a decent joke for once.
1. We need to prepare for our upcoming elections
2. Still kinda exhausted from Pride
3. Need to catch up on The Bachelor
4. Still haven’t forgiven Jared Kushner for those Game of Thrones spoilers
5. Our Ex just moved to Bahrain and we really don’t want to run into her
6. Frankly, John Bolton’s mustache frightens us
7. Coachella
8. We hear that Trump isn’t big on holding grudges
9. Still looking for parking
10. What part of “From the River to the Sea” don’t you understand?
So Israel and the Palestinian Authority ended some sort of dispute, and now Jordan can give them some mail that’s been held up since 2008 (Anyone who thinks this is just because of “The Occupation” is welcome to help us get our $50 worth of clothes from the Gap™ out of Ben Gurion Airport Customs without paying the $30 in fees that they demanded from us). But what long-hidden truths have been revealed? The Daily Freier got one of our Scandinavian backpacker friends to check out Ramallah and come back with a full report. And what a report it was! It’s like a Time Capsule from 2008! The first iPhone! Obamamania! Taylor Swift just broke up with a Jonas Brother! If only we could…. never mind. Anyhoo, here are the Top 10 Revelations in the mail!
10) That gift we need to get Hosni Mubarak for his “30 Years as President” party? Skip.
9) That invite to Qadaffi’s 2011 Folk Dancing Expo and Film Festival in Tripoli? Same.
8) The 2012 “Bashar Assad Salute to Arab Unity Weekend” in Damascus? You seeing a pattern yet?
7) Can somebody tell Mahmoud Al-Mabhouh to watch out for women in floppy hats and guys with tennis rackets when he goes to Dubai?
6) They say that the Zionist Dogs are going to build a High Speed Rail from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv by 2016.
5) That Real Estate Investment Prospectus from Ehud Olmert? No. Just No.
4) Bibi is in BIG Trouble! There is NO WAY the Israeli Left can screw up the 2015 Elections!
3) Obama just beat McCain! We will never get a more sympathetic friend in the White House! Now is the time to really sit down for negotiations and finally get our Palestinian State living in peace next to Israel! Wait, what’s that? We’re just going to blame Israel, do nothing for the next 8 years, and wait for something to happen? OK that also works.
2) Hahahaha! Donald Trump is running for President in 2016! Hahahaha!
1) Wait, Mahmoud Abbas is still in Office???
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/3/2018 at 6:45 PM
Ramallah: Shock & sorrow permeate this West Bank city after residents learned that spoiled actress who would never dare pull her stunts on an Arab police force political prisoner Ahed Tamimi had eaten “Palestine” during her stay in an Israeli jail. Ms. Tamimi, who gained fame punching Israeli soldiers on film, had apparently eaten the geographic entity known as “Palestine” in between her second and third helpings of baba ganoush some time in late June.
Palestinian Authority President shared his sorrow. “Never in the 14 years of my 4 year term of office have I felt such shame and humiliation. This is Al-Naqba 2018.”
The UN wasted now time scolding Israel for the unfolding tragedy, passing a Motion in the General Assembly by a vote of 147-2 (The United Kingdom abstained) admonishing Israel for giving Ahed “The Freshman 15”.
Meanwhile, Bree Skyfire-Williams, co-captain of the latest Flotilla to Gaza, was somewhat philosophical about the turn of events. “I guess this means she won’t need the emergency hummus and pita that we put in our cargo hold for her.“
UPDATE: Ms. Tamimi apparently is now launching a Book Tour in support of her memoir of imprisonment: “The Zionists made me add extra Tahina to my falafel“.
By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1/29/2017 at 5:30 PM
Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.
“I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.
The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.
Hamas also welcomed the move, adding that foreign visitors would be most welcome. Visas would be free, but tourists are expected to take out their own insurance n the unlikely event that yada yada yada. Tourists are already lining up for the opportunity to see Arafat’s Tomb, the Roger Waters Wax Museum, the United Nations School that definitely was NOT used to fire mortars at Israel, and the Hamas Bumblebee. Also, Hamas mentioned something about a tunnel connecting Gaza International’s main concourse and downtown Tel Aviv.
The Abbas Airlines aircraft, dubbed “Quds Force 1”, boasts 72 flight attendants, each covered head to toe. And apparently they’re virgins.
Ramallah- Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas “condemned in the strongest terms” Israel’s “disproportionate and indiscriminate” response to tomorrow’s completely spontaneous riots. Tomorrow’s riots will be a grass-roots, spur of the moment populist reaction to President Donald Trump’s decision to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, and will begin approximately 15 minutes after mid-morning prayers. Abbas described Israel’s “Barbaric” attack on tomorrow’s peaceful protesters at a news conference this evening.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 12/31/2016 at 3:00 PM
Jerusalem: People around here have seen a lot, but something is different this week. On Wednesday, something happened that was so profound that it very well may have been a modern Hanukkah miracle. Ketchup heiress/Navy Veteran/Dude who lost to Dubya/Diplomat John Kerry spoke for 75 minutes without actually having anything to say. With only enough relevant ideas to fill a 5 minute chat, Kerry somehow summoned enough J-Street talking points, Senate anecdotes, and Thomas Friedman clichés to make his talk last 75 minutes. Nes Gadol Haya Sham! So the Daily Freier hit the streets to find out the word. On the streets.
As the Daily Freier exited Jerusalem’s Central Bus Station, we ran into a familiar face: Alert Local Ronit S., who was on her way to the Ministry of Education to get a scuba diving certification from Cancun translated into Hebrew so she could be a dive instructor or something. We asked Ronit if she heard the speech.
“Yeah. They played it on the bus the whole way here. Seventy. Five. Minutes. It was so bad that the driver actually had to pull over to get some fresh air near Latrun. I made a bet with the guy next to me on how long it would last. He said 90 minutes, I said 70. So I won. 50 Shekels. The guy was mad and insisted that if Kerry was allowed to also speak in French that the speech would have hit 2 hours.”
The Daily Freier said goodbye to Ronit and proceeded onto the Light Rail toward the Illegally Occupied Western Wall. On the Light Rail, we saw Historian Yoni K. who went on to explain the significance of Kerry’s speech. “What Secretary Kerry did was like transporting me back in time.” explained Yoni as he looked into the distance. “It was like I was in Barack Obama’s Columbia University Dorm Room bull session circa 1983. Imagine a reality where Israel never offered the Palestinians a State in 2000, 2001, and 2008. A reality where Ehud Barak never completely withdrew from South Lebanon in a UN certified move in 2000, and Hezbollah never promptly moved in and kidnapped an Israeli patrol. In this Alternative Universe, Ariel Sharon never removed every Jew from Gaza and handed it over to the Palestinian Authority in 2005; and Hamas never evicted the PA from Gaza in 2007…. You know, for a minute while I was listening to his speech….. I thought that I was high.”
The Daily Freier jumped off the Light Rail and walked over to city hall where several children sat in a circle playing dreidel.
“Gimmel” shouted one boy as he grabbed a handful of candy from a pile in the center.
“Hay” shouted another, as he too grabbed some candy.
“Nun” mumbled another boy as the other kids started to taunt him. “Ha Ha!” They shouted as they handed him the headphones of an I-Pod. “Now you have to listen to Kerry recount his special friendship with Shimon Peres.”
“That’s OK, I guess.” muttered the boy. “At least I don’t have to listen to him talk about his yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard.“
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/4/2016 at 7:30 AM
Rio de Janeiro: Sports fans everywhere are kind of excited, and for good reason: this year will see several make-believe nations compete in the Olympics, to include ‘Narnia’, ‘Middle Earth’, ‘Endor’, ‘Brigadoon’, and ‘Palestine’! The Daily Freier had a chance to talk to some of the Olympic hopefuls about this exciting opportunity.
(The Daily Freier is in the Times of Israel today. Check out the whole article here!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1/31/2016 at 10:30 AM
Golan, Gamla Nature Preserve: The accused “Mossad Spy Vulture” captured last week in Southern Lebanon has been returned to Israel with the assistance of the United Nations, but that is not the end of the story. The vulture, who goes by “Eddie”, has decided to join the controversial IDF veterans group “Breaking the Silence”, known for their whistleblowing activities and testimony against Israel.
Not surprisingly, this move has led to quite a bit of animosity with some of his former comrades from the Animal Kingdom. In fact, Eddie and the famous Mossad Spy Dolphin have been busy trading insults on Social Media for much of the weekend. As the war of words escalated, the Daily Freier was able to speak with Eddie via Skype.
“The dolphin? What a showboat. It was always about him. Not only that, but he was also kind of a racist, always reminding me that as a mammal he was more evolutionarily advanced than I was. What a jerk.” Eddie continued to vent about his former comrades. “Oh and by the way….. All the goofy stories about Israel’s spying animals? 100% True. The kestrel that the Turks put through an X-Ray machine looking for spy equipment? Well they should have looked harder. The hummingbird that was interrogated by a Turkish counter-terrorism team? That was us. The sharks that stalked the beaches off of Sinai? Us again. The wild pigs that ravage the West Bank? We release them every night…… But don’t take my word for it……Just Ask President Abbas!!!!!!! The vulture captured by the Saudis in 2011? He’s my cousin by marriage….but we no longer speak. They’re all feasting on a sheep carcass right now near the Kinneret. But do I get an invite? No. Not that I’m bitter. Being a truth-teller is not an easy path.”
In an effort to move on, Eddie plans to tour University campuses along the East Coast as part of an “Interfaith Dialogue and Reconciliation” tour with the Hamas Bumblebee later this Spring
This Joke is Now 5 Years Old!
(We originally published on the Times of Israel in 2015, but miraculously Abbas is still the President 4 years later. Happy 16th Anniversary Abu Mazen!)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/29/2015 at 1:20 PM
TEL AVIV: With only days left until the Festival of Lights, Israelis from all walks of life are celebrating a 21st Century miracle, as Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas prepares to begin the 11th Year of a Four Year term of office that began in January 2005. The Daily Freier spoke with Tel Aviv residents as they made preparations to celebrate this momentous occasion.
“So the legend is that there was only enough corruption, incitement and farce to last four years…” explained local historian Yoni K. as he looked for sufganyot and potatoes in the Shuk Ha Carmel. “But through a little luck and maybe even a miracle, his four-year term has lasted ten years and counting! Nes Gadol Haya Po!”
Nearby, local homemaker Rachel T. searched for Hanukkah gifts to send Mr. Abbas. “Abbas is always complaining about the Jews’ dirty feet, so I thought, why not get him a doormat…you know, just in case he has Jews over for company!”
While most people will celebrate Hanukkah as they always do, Florentin resident Danny G. wants to try something new this year. “Well first, I think we will hang out at my apartment and take turns reading President Abbas’ Doctoral Thesis. And then, I was thinking of hitting some clubs in Dubai with President Abbas’ son Yassar!”
Yafo resident Elad L. was just giddy with anticipation as he bought soda and cups. “I am so excited to celebrate the Miracle of Abu Mazen’s 10 Year Four Year Term! Nothing could make me sad right now! Except you know, if Abbas had to run for office again or something.“