By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/19/2018 at 4:30 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Center: A relieved nation cheered last night after a team of Thai divers rescued the last of 12 youth who went missing last week in Dizengoff Center, the Central Tel Aviv mall notorious for its random and confusing floor plan. Apparently, the children had set out on an excursion with their youth summer camp last Wednesday and gotten lost somewhere between that part of the mall with all the candle shops and stoner artwork and that hallway with the tattoo parlor. When their camp counselor set out to get help using the Dizengoff Center Navigation App, he became hopelessly lost on the ground floor near that ethnic food fair in the open area by the elevators, and had to survive on Druze pizza for the last 6 days. But The Daily Freier wanted to learn the story of the students’ dramatic rescue, so we attended the news conference outside the Mall’s King George Street entrance (no, not the entrance near the stairway to the McDonald’s. The other entrance. Near the mattress shop, OK?)
Police Spokesperson Yonatan C. addressed the assembled press. “We would like to thank the efforts of our Thai friends. Their unique skills as cave divers allowed them to navigate the twisting tunnels, hallways that ramp up or down for no reason, and stairways that don’t lead anywhere.” Yonatan then brought one of the hero divers up to the podium. “Our line of work is very dangerous.” explained Thai Navy Petty Officer Anurak S. “It is very easy to become disoriented. Up becomes Down, left becomes right. An inexperienced person can panic and lose all sense of reality. And that’s not counting the dangers of that part of the mall near the elephant butt playground.”
When the Daily Freier asked the police if they had found Zachary the tourist who went missing in Dizengoff Center back in 2015, they changed the subject.
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 6/20/2018 at 5:10 PM
Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has given the world some amazing things: Waze, the cherry tomato, Gal Gadot, the thumb drive. But for every great Israeli idea, rest assured they have come up with some failures. And here they are: the 10 biggest flops of Israeli tech!
- Ara-Mazing: Translate your sexts into Aramaic!
- E-Z Steal: Choose the most convenient time & place to have your bike stolen!
- Gaydar Tel Aviv
- Misrad HaTindr: Match with someone who is also waiting in line at the Ministry of the Interior!
- John Kerry Meetup!: Connects you with other fans of the former Secretary of State in Israel
- AngloWhine: Deletes any texts from your Anglo friends when they’re complaining about something
- Pokémon Pee: An app that finds you a sidewalk in Tel Aviv where nobody has peed yet
- Tag-Lit: Lets Israeli men track the real-time location of every Birthright bus in the country
- Matkot Simulator: It’s as if there’s a matkot game being played one meter away from you!
- The Dizengoff Center Navigation App (Oops! This really exists!)
DISCLAIMER: This article has been submitted by a guest writer and by no means represents the editorial opinion of the Daily Freier. ‘Cuz we mamash love Nefesh B’ Nefesh. Live the Dream!
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 10/29/2017 at 3:30 PM
Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph: An American Olah-Sorta-Hadasha has served Nefesh B ‘Nefesh with a restraining order, stipulating that the esteemed Aliyah agency stay no less than 500 meters from her parents and “not to try to reach them on Pinterest.” Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph resident Sherrie M. has laid down the law with Nefesh B’Nefesh on behalf of her elderly parents. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is now barred from any contact or communication with Sherry’s parents for a period of 10 years. Speaking from her home, Sherrie explained how distressed she was upon learning that a Nefesh representative had spoken at their family Shul and was passing out brochures.
“The fliers said ‘Live the Dream‘. But how do they know what my parents’ dream is? Maybe their dream is to stay in New Jersey and come visit me every four months with three extra suitcases of my online purchases. Did they every think of that? Huh???”
“They’re selfish! They’re only thinking about themselves and their agenda… shame on them for taking advantage of vulnerable older people like that!” Sherrie fumed while browsing Amazon for pumpkin spice k-cups. “You think two cases is enough? Or should I get three? What about Ziplocs?”
Despite all the current drama, Sherrie assured the Daily Freier that she was reasonable and open to compromise. “I would be happy if they spoke with Nefesh once the restraining order is up. Besides, in 10 years Shloimie my oldest boy should be going off to YU. So you know, I will just have Target ship everything to his dorm and he can bring it to me during Spring Break, Summer Break, the Chagim, and Chanukah.”
Using their online package tracer, the Daily Freier was able to follow an Amazon delivery truck to the Teaneck, New Jersey home of Murray and Rhonda, Sherrie’s parents. “Our daughter is a true Zionist pioneer and we are so proud of her. Things are difficult over there. Even Target is afraid to ship to them! So if we can help her by bringing a few things, it’s the least we can do.” explained Rhonda. “Imagine if she had to go to the mall. I mean, those are dangerous places! Our ladies tehillim group has been davening for that poor boy lost in Dizengoff center since 2015. Wait…. did he ever make his way out?“
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 2:30 PM
Tel Aviv: With the mercury in Tel Aviv matching the temperature on Mars, biblical hero Noah has returned to Eretz Yisrael to save locals from the unbearable heatwave.
Today, hoards of confused and melting Tel Avivians were oddly seen rushing INTO the Dizengoff Center Mall AND the Post Office just to get OUT of the heat. Once roads began to crumple and people were being thrown out of the chiller cabinets in Shufersal, the 4700-year-old pensioner decided to act.
Noah and his oldest remaining son, Shem (a mere 4200 years young) have fitted the Convertible Ark Turbo Cruise ship with 2 air conditioning units in each compartment, phone chargers, the Waze GPS Iceberg Locator, and driverless technology.
“My hands are still tied by the Torah so I can still only take two of everything – so 2 Israelis (rumors say Gal Gadot has already bagged one spot), 2 stray cats, 2 non-complaining olim, 2 mosquitoes, 2 jellyfish, 2 European backpackers, and 2 girls on Taglit who just love love love Israel. No politicians or HOT Cable customer service representatives are allowed.”
Cabin prices start at NIS 5,000 for a double. But long lines are expected all the way to Haifa as The Ark, called “Mazgan Miracle II“, is due to set sail tomorrow for Scotland, arriving at its first port in Cardiff before Shabbos.
(This photo was not taken in Israel)
By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy
Last Updated 3/4/2017 at 9:30 PM
Dizengoff Center: The popular dating App “Tinder” just announced a shocking revelation about its Israeli market: that fully 90% of all fantasies of users in Greater Tel Aviv involve Tel Aviv actually getting a real Apple Store. Not a knockoff. Not a place that “sends your computer to a lab”. A real Apple Store. Like with a Genius Bar. The Daily Freier went ahead and read some of the hotter testimonials.
A guy named Rami K., who just got busted at Ben Gurion trying to bring the new iPhone back from the States, went into some pretty graphic details. “So in my dream I meet these really hot twins at the beach. And they’re here on a MASA program. And they believe all of my lines about being a combat soldier and owning a Startup… And then they invite me back to their apartment. To ‘watch a movie’. But when I walk in, it’s actually an Apple Store….. and then they…. I’m sorry but this is just too freaky….They fix my MacBook Pro in less than 4 weeks and for less than the cost of buying a new one.”
Then there was Shlomi, who recently switched from trolling Secret Tel Aviv to Tinder. “So in my dream, I get transported to a place that calls itself ‘Startup Nation’. And in this dream, people don’t fly to America to buy a MacBook Air because….. I mean this is kind of weird right?….. the cost of the MacBook Air in Startup Nation is less than the combined cost of the MacBook Air in New York plus a flight ticket….is there like something wrong with me or something?”
The Daily Freier even found out that one of the people sharing their deepest secrets was our very own Guest Writer Mia Deych. “So I keep having this incredibly vivid dream where I meet this guy. And he takes me on an actual date. Like he pays for it and everything. In Tel Aviv. Weird, right? And after dinner we go for a walk and somehow end up in Dizengoff Center Mall. And instead of that ridiculous ‘I-Store’ there was a real no-kidding Apple Store. With helpful and knowledgeable employees. And big giant windows. And they had the latest Apple TV. Oh, and at the end of the dream we were able to find our way out of Dizengoff Center.”
Welcome to Israel.
By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/15/2016 at 1:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Peter Beinart, the conscience of modern Progressive Judaism and all around Liberal Zionist Bad Boy, is not too thrilled with the choices that Israel has been making lately. And he’s not afraid to tell us. In fact, Pete is currently quite cross with us for ignoring his amazingly prescient advice about the Peace Process, to the extent that he now takes press junkets to Judea and Samaria with J-Street in order to pester goats. His powerful voice has hit Israel like a bombshell, compelling everyday Israelis to stop what they’re doing and ask themselves “Just who does Peter Beinart think he is? No, Really. We’re kinda drawing a blank right now. Who is he again?”
(The Daily Freier Appears on Israellycool Today! Stop by and Check it Out!)
(DISCLAIMER: This is Satire! Not real! We are sure there is a perfectly good reason that the dog washery is named “Doggy Style”. And if you are the owner, please contact us because we are like DYING to hear the story!)
By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 7/23/2016 at 4:20 PM
Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu: A new 24-Hour Dog Washery named “Doggy Style” on Yirmiyahu is scandalizing those residents of Tel Aviv who have never seen the slide at Dizengoff Center that emanates from a giant plastic elephant’s digestive track. The Daily Freier was in the area anyway so the story kind of wrote itself.
“I just feel that naming a dog washery after a slang word for a sex act is just inappropriate.” noted Rafi C., who acknowledged that he rarely goes to Dizengoff Center and therefore has never seen the slide on the playground that exits a fake elephant’s butt.
“This is just too much for Tel Aviv” stated Yonatan P. , who admitted that not only has he not seen the Dizengoff Center Elephant Butt Slide, but that he missed the Haaretz Concert last March where a performance artist placed a flag in his butt and pelted the audience with oranges (This REALLY REALLY Happened)
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the name. I think it’s great!” stated alert local Ronit S., as she brought her basset hound into the facility for a bath. While washing her pup, named “Chris”, she added that she is currently working at a Start-Up that does worldwide job placement for Christian Outreach organizations called “Missionary Positions“.