Tel Aviv: The media is thrilled and the gay community is excited – a brand-new gay club will open on Rothschild Boulevard this Thursday. The revolutionary and rebellious concept of the new club is “Be Real”: a club for members of the gay community who are tired of trying to be flawless.
“There is too much pressure on gays in Tel Aviv.” explained Motti, one of the 26 promoters of the club.“ You have to be fit, and tan, and waxed, and eyebrows on fleek. This causes anxiety and protein shake disorders. On the other hand, we want to be unbound and appearance-friendly for everyone”.
We accompanied the “Be Real” team as they went to the beach to take photographs for their website and promotional posters. The photographers Ori and Tzachi looked confused and lost because everyone indeed looked so handsome and fabulous, when all of a sudden they saw two Russian tourists emerging from the water. Ori enthused “They’re 110 Kilos but wearing these tiny little speedos. But they look so real…. or maybe just sunburned and hung over.” Both photographers ran toward the tourists to take some sneak pictures of their modern-day heroes. Tzachi and Ori came back very encouraged, and shared their theories.
Tel Aviv, HaNamal- A local guy is “really in a weird place right now” about the looming decision he must make: exactly which Speedo to buy in preparation for Tel Aviv’s Summer Beach Season. “This is exhausting……I…..I just feel overwhelmed.” sighed an exasperated Shlomi P. as he browsed shops at Tel Aviv’s upscale Namal Port. Shlomi constantly weighed the different factors in his head that would influence his purchase. “I put on some weight this winter in the gut….and so I want a Speedo that will really accurately reflect this…..you know…..Just a real spillover effect. But at the same time, I want a Speedo that is loose enough that I can carry my Smart Phone in there.” (* Editor’s Note: We actually saw a guy pull his phone out of his Speedos once, and our therapist says that if we continue with our progress, we may un-see this event within two years.)
When it comes to the Speedo purchase, Shlomi must deal with multiple potential conflicts. Not only must Shlomi deal with his own body image issues, bu there is also the hidden menace of peer pressure. “Is there judgment going on when you hit the beach? Definitely. You do NOT want to be caught out there wearing last year’s Speedo.”
As he continued to browse the shops, Shlomi stressed that his Speedo purchase is a form of self-expression, a chance to build his brand. “Not everyone on the beach wearing a Speedo is who they say they are. There’s a lot of imposters out there. But I’m just going to keep on keeping it real. Wait….does this navy blue play up my tucchus? Because I’ve been doing some squats in the gym this winter.”
Tel Aviv- Tragedy was narrowly averted today, thanks to the vigilance of some alert citizens when authorities uncovered a Hamas Sleeper Cell. In a sign of the growing sophistication of Hamas’ operations, the sleeper cell was designed to mimic groups of people typical to the municipality. According to interrogations conducted on the agents, this included a family of seven blocking the entire jogging path while they yak about whatever and don’t let you past. In addition female Hamas agents were trained to walk dogs weighing either less than 2 kilograms or more than 50 kilograms while Whats-Apping and holding a large coffee. Finally, retired heavyset Hamas agents were trained to walk around the beach wearing Speedos. It was this final part of the cell that ultimately gave them away, as the Speedo-wearing agent was discovered as he tried to exit the sea at Gordon Beach. Alert resident Ronit S. spoke with the Daily Freier “I was swimming with my girlfriends and I saw this middle-aged guy in a Speedo approach. When he didn’t suck in his chest, square his shoulders and cock a sleazy look at me and my friends, I knew something was wrong, so I called the police”. Ronit continued ” I mean, WTF? We’re HOT, Right?” Interrogations of the cell also led authorities to anticipate a sleeper cell disguised as a guy in capri pants wearing a fanny pack, a man on a motorized bicycle heading toward you on the sidewalk at 50 kilometers per hour, and an older Russian speaking woman behind you in the checkout line who definitely wants you to hurry up.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.