Ben Gurion Airport: A passport counterfeiting ring based out of the city of Lod was taken down when a supposed recent immigrant (“Oleh Chadash”) exhibited suspicious behavior as he entered Israel’s Ben-Gurion airport after a trip to the United States. Israeli Customs Officer Yael Z. alerted security officials when she noticed something suspicious about a passenger who arrived at her window. “His passport said he was an American Oleh” she said. “So I made my customary joke about having nothing to declare except deodorant and Ziplocs. He didn’t laugh. In fact, he looked confused…it’s like he didn’t know what Ziplocs were. Also, he never complained that Nefesh B’Nefesh wasn’t helping him enough.”
A search of the man’s bags revealed no deodorant, no Ziplocs and documents which identified him as Rami K., a 26-year-old Israeli man born and raised in Lod. Rami explained that the passport he had used was a counterfeit, bought from his brother’s friend Shuki. “My passport expired and I needed to travel to New York for my cousin’s wedding. Well…my cousin’s wedding and to get the new iPhone 7.” Rami explained. “Misrad Hapnim wanted 280 shekels for a passport but I knew that Shuki sells them for 160. Or 150 on Fridays just before Shabbat.”
Shuki was arrested and his counterfeit passport operation was shut down. Rami served 14 days in jail for passport fraud and is still confused about the whole Ziploc thing. “The customs lady was kidding, right??” he asked. “I mean, it’s just freezer bags… people don’t bring those things from America, do they? That’s just ridiculous.”
Tel Aviv: The media is thrilled and the gay community is excited – a brand-new gay club will open on Rothschild Boulevard this Thursday. The revolutionary and rebellious concept of the new club is “Be Real”: a club for members of the gay community who are tired of trying to be flawless.
“There is too much pressure on gays in Tel Aviv.” explained Motti, one of the 26 promoters of the club.“ You have to be fit, and tan, and waxed, and eyebrows on fleek. This causes anxiety and protein shake disorders. On the other hand, we want to be unbound and appearance-friendly for everyone”.
We accompanied the “Be Real” team as they went to the beach to take photographs for their website and promotional posters. The photographers Ori and Tzachi looked confused and lost because everyone indeed looked so handsome and fabulous, when all of a sudden they saw two Russian tourists emerging from the water. Ori enthused “They’re 110 Kilos but wearing these tiny little speedos. But they look so real…. or maybe just sunburned and hung over.” Both photographers ran toward the tourists to take some sneak pictures of their modern-day heroes. Tzachi and Ori came back very encouraged, and shared their theories.
Raqqa: Air strikes, Kurdish rebels, cyber hacking, even playing Adele’s song ‘Hello’ on loudspeakers have all been tried and all have failed. But tonight, it seems that the first significant blow against ISIS has been struck with the use of a brand new weapon: Jewish mother guilt. Israeli scientists have worked frantically around the clock to take the essential ingredients of Jewish Mother Guilt – passive aggression, unrealistic pride and immovable affection – distill it into its purest form and have the potent strain dropped over ISIS strongholds in Syria and Iraq. Immediate reports are sketchy but it seems the placebo is working as phone networks in Mosul have been jammed with long and highly emotional calls home from the medieval terrorists. “You couldn’t find time to call your mother between beheadings, she only has one head, you might do well to remember that,” cried Mrs Fatima Sayed Falaweed to her son Jamal. They hadn’t spoken for just two days. There were tears too in caliphate capital Raqqa where another estranged son, Assaf Bikram Hussein Jr immediately handed himself into U.S. Marines after being scolded by his mother: “I don’t care if your friends want to destroy the Palmyra temples,” she said. “We brought you up better than that. If they stuck their heads in the oven, would you? Actually don’t answer that.” Local women, who had breathed in Jewish Mother Guilt, took a break from cooking brisket, fetching their cleaners and taking long baths, to speak of their pride that their sons were laying down their weapons. “If the queue takes a while, I’ve given him chicken legs, rice and some chopped liver,” said one. “He said he would give me three rings when he reached the Iranian border.” Another mother, hanging out her son’s balaclava on the washing line, said she was glad she kept the receipt for the Kalashnikov she bought him on his 11th birthday. “We can put it towards his college fund,” she said, tearfully. New ISIS lead singer Jihadi Ringo, John’s successor, resented the interference of the Jewish state, and was seen whining and throwing a hissy fit at the therapist’s office as Mrs Ringo called to tell him more and more crates of Jewish Mother Guilt were being loaded onto aircraft carriers in Crete…
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.