Cambridge, United Kingdom: Historians at the University of Cambridge’s King’s College dropped a bombshell this morning: that noted Anti-Semitic crank outspoken critic of Israeli policies Roger Waters was once in a popular band that played music that people enjoyed listening to. The Daily Freier spoke by phone with Professor of Contemporary British History Baba Booey for details on this breakthrough discovery.
“This is really quite remarkable, but prior to being known for drawing the Star of David on pigs and being creepily obsessed with Bar Refaeli, Mr. Waters was in a rather successful band known as ‘Pink Floyd’ during the latter half of the 20th Century.” Professor Booey continued. “Archival history from the pre-Internet era seems to indicate that young people would often paint their dormitory walls with fluorescent paint, turn on blacklights, and play this music on a constant loop. Apparently marijuana may have been involved. And unlike Mr. Waters’ current manifestation, this early ‘proto-Waters’ seemed to enrich the lives of others and actually make people happy. Fascinating, really.”
Professor Booey then played a sample of Mr. Waters’ early music for the Daily Freier. The music was rather excellent, although it was a bit derivative of Syd Barrett’s works.
London: World Renowned Recording Artist Roger Waters, in an angrily worded open letter in today’s Issue of the Guardian, demanded that Israel stop naming new neighborhoods in Judea and Samaria after Pink Floyd songs and lyrics. “From Kiryat Dark Side of the Moon to Kfar Crazy Diamond, this crime against humanity has to stop right now. “, the renowned recording artist and freelance jerk opined in today’s Guardian. Mr. Waters continued “If this does not stop immediately, I will hector various artists into not appearing in Israel and creepily troll Bar Rafaeli in my concerts.” When asked what would happen if Israel complied with his demands, Mr. Rogers indicated that in this case he would…. hector various artists into not appearing in Israel and creepily troll Bar Rafaeli in his concerts. Residents of Ma’ale Comfortably Numb seemed unfazed by the ruckus. Local handyman Shlomo K, stated “Roger Waters? Didn’t he used to be in a group with Syd Barrett?”
When reached for comment, Jerusalem Municipality spokesperson Dov L. appeared conciliatory, “We respect Mr. Waters’ opinion and welcome all outside advice on this difficult issue vis-à-vis the Israeli- Palestinian conflict. Hopefully, these outside voices can help bring us and our neighbors closer together……I mean, it’s like we’re two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl. Year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears.”
When asked if the Government had a message for Mr. Waters, Dov simply said “Wish you were here”.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.