By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/19/2015 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Milano:

The seemingly nondescript older gentleman who is currently holding up traffic on this vital North-South arterial accompanied by a mystery woman is actually the 3rd most powerful man in Tel Aviv.  While his purple golf cart with the plastic tub bungee-corded to the rear bumper may not look like much, it in fact belongs to a man who is not to be trifled with.  Sergei P., a doorman at the nightclub ‘Valium’ with a neck larger than this reporter’s torso, explained a recent encounter.  “So he pulls up in his golf cart right out front of the building  and proceeded to walk in right past security.  I yelled at him and told him to get the hell out of here…..Then my manager ran over in a panic.  I mean,with the fear of death in his eyes. He told me I had 5 seconds to fix this or we were both finished.  So I apologized profusely and escorted him to his own booth.  Fortunately, he was chill and didn’t make a big deal out of this.”  Sergei then stared into space and said “It could have been a lot worse.  A lot, lot worse.”

At the same time, many residents have reached out to the man in the golf cart to solve problems when nobody else can help.  New arrival Deborah K. describes her story.  “I was getting charged way to much for my electric bill.  I knew something was wrong, but whenever I called their “customer service” I got the runaround.  When I described my problem, I swear to God the woman said ‘Welcome to Israel.’ I didn’t know what to do, and then my friends all said ‘Talk to the guy on the purple golf cart’.  So I flagged him down last week on Nordau, and I was practically crying.  But he just smiled and said ‘I’ll take care of it’.  The next day the Electric Company called ME.  Hey Golf Cart Man, You rock!”

     Not all encounters with Purple Golf Cart Man end happily, however.  Local  resident Jeremy S. found himself behind the golf cart last week on his drive home from work.  “I was trying to turn left onto Pinchas and he was just puttering along, blocking the lane.  I honked the horn and gave him the finger.” Jeremy then goes silent for 10 seconds. ” Now I can’t get a felafel in this town.  I went to the place on Yirmiyahu last night and the guy at the counter looked straight through me and asked the guy behind me for his order…… Does anyone know where he’s driving his golf cart right now?  I need to apologize and fix this.”

    As of this afternoon, the reporters at the Daily Freir have determined that when they grow up they want to be  the Guy on the Purple Golf Cart.