Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Local resident Dan G. doesn’t like to be called a hero. But his steadfast refusal to let the current wave of terror change his way of life just might make him one. Dan is not about to let the terrorists win, and he demonstrates this by maintaining the same daily activities he has always maintained: being a complete dick to any and all he comes into contact with in this great city. The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along with Dan as he went about his day.
We met Dan outside his apartment building in the Kikar Rabin neighborhood, as he parked his car up onto the sidewalk, blocking the route for pedestrians but providing him a mere 10 meter walk to his front door. As Dan got out of the car with his dog, he described his philosophy. “The terrorists want to destroy my way of life. But I won’t let them.” explained Dan as his dog defecated on the sidewalk and we continued to walk without stopping. The Daily Freier followed Dan as he stopped by his local post office to mail a parcel. “The most important thing we can do is just maintain our routine. You know, live our life.” explained Dan as he strode past the ticket machine and several customers clutching tickets and walked right up and handed his package to a postal employee. “I just feel that this is my contribution.” said Dan as he checked the Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” and wrote some pretty inappropriate stuff on a post from an attractive Spanish girl asking for help finding a roommate. We then followed Dan to a bus stop for the Number 25 bus, as he sidestepped the line, got on the bus and kicked his feet up on the seat in front of him. The Daily Freier then followed Dan to his favorite bar where we enjoyed beers while he explained his personal code of conduct. “My philosophy is just to keep being yourself in tough times.” When the Daily Freier got back from the bathroom, Dan was gone and we ended up paying the bar tab ourselves.
The seemingly nondescript older gentleman who is currently holding up traffic on this vital North-South arterial accompanied by a mystery woman is actually the 3rd most powerful man in Tel Aviv. While his purple golf cart with the plastic tub bungee-corded to the rear bumper may not look like much, it in fact belongs to a man who is not to be trifled with. Sergei P., a doorman at the nightclub ‘Valium’ with a neck larger than this reporter’s torso, explained a recent encounter. “So he pulls up in his golf cart right out front of the building and proceeded to walk in right past security. I yelled at him and told him to get the hell out of here…..Then my manager ran over in a panic. I mean,with the fear of death in his eyes. He told me I had 5 seconds to fix this or we were both finished. So I apologized profusely and escorted him to his own booth. Fortunately, he was chill and didn’t make a big deal out of this.” Sergei then stared into space and said “It could have been a lot worse. A lot, lot worse.”
At the same time, many residents have reached out to the man in the golf cart to solve problems when nobody else can help. New arrival Deborah K. describes her story. “I was getting charged way to much for my electric bill. I knew something was wrong, but whenever I called their “customer service” I got the runaround. When I described my problem, I swear to God the woman said ‘Welcome to Israel.’ I didn’t know what to do, and then my friends all said ‘Talk to the guy on the purple golf cart’. So I flagged him down last week on Nordau, and I was practically crying. But he just smiled and said ‘I’ll take care of it’. The next day the Electric Company called ME. Hey Golf Cart Man, You rock!”
Not all encounters with Purple Golf Cart Man end happily, however. Local resident Jeremy S. found himself behind the golf cart last week on his drive home from work. “I was trying to turn left onto Pinchas and he was just puttering along, blocking the lane. I honked the horn and gave him the finger.” Jeremy then goes silent for 10 seconds. ” Now I can’t get a felafel in this town. I went to the place on Yirmiyahu last night and the guy at the counter looked straight through me and asked the guy behind me for his order…… Does anyone know where he’s driving his golf cart right now? I need to apologize and fix this.”
As of this afternoon, the reporters at the Daily Freir have determined that when they grow up they want to be the Guy on the Purple Golf Cart.
North Tel Aviv: The Tel Aviv Municipality kicks off its annual “Park Like a Total Dick” championship, challenging its residents to compete to find out who can annoy, inconvenience, and endanger their fellow citizens with the most flair, panache, and originality. Representatives from the City’s Department of Cultural Affairs will be touring the city this week on the look-out for those among us who go the extra mile in turning their problem into our problem.
Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. explained, “We will be judging based on the criteria of ‘Inconvenience to the Public’, ‘Lack of Empathy for Others’, ‘Chutzpah’, ‘Creates a Public Hazard’, and ‘ Lack of Awareness that What They’re Doing is Actually Wrong’.” Ms. Safir explained the final criteria: “What we’re really looking for is somebody who thinks that what they’re doing is perfectly OK, and that YOU’RE the idiot for questioning them. I don’t think it’s possible to win this spirited contest if you actually have any self-awareness.”. Last year’s winner, Moti C, won a parking pass good for the entire year of his crown and allowing him to park anywhere he wanted in Tel Aviv………as opposed to the year before he won the competition, when he……..parked anywhere he wanted in Tel Aviv.
Despite the competition’s name, Safir stressed that it is actually open to men and women. Incidentally, as we spoke, Ms. Safir rushed over to notify a woman parking in the crosswalk on Ben Yehuda across from the SuperSol Market that she was in fact a finalist. At which point the finalist looked at us like we were from Mars, told us we were in her way, and brushed by us as she walked into that frozen yogurt place on the corner.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.