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Hey Mister Secretary! That was a world-class speech you just gave today. Now that you’re done with your speech, I think it’s time we start to pack your things for the big move. I mean, you know how hard it is to get anything done in DC the week after New Years. What’s that? You say you still have 23 days left in office? I know, I know. Folks in our part of the world are holding a bit of a countdown.
What’s that you say? You’re not finished? There is so much more to do? But you’ve already done so much. Syria. Libya. Iraq. Iran. Ukraine. And with today’s speech, another feather in your cap! So please, let’s at least go through your stuff. Here, I’ll start.
Mister Secretary, let me say I am impressed with your bookshelf. But… Your “Fodor’s Guide to Israel“? Something tells me you won’t be getting a lot of invitations from Israelis to visit. I’m going to put this one in the “Toss” bin.
Your guide to Egypt? Not sure if the invites will be streaming in from there either. Toss.
Wait, here is your 2010 Edition of the “Lonely Planet Guide to Syria.” I see you have the chapters on Aleppo and Palmyra bookmarked. Wait, you say you want to keep it? So….yeah. Maybe you should call your friend Mr. Lavrov on this one. Toss.
OK, here’s one. “A Conde Nast Guide to Europe”! So, it’s just that…demographics…have changed a bit since your Boss’s good old “Red Line” to Assad back in 2013. So yeah. I’d take that trip to Europe in the next couple months if I were you. I’ll put this one in the “Keep” pile. But let me just underline in red ink the neighborhoods in Paris, Berlin and Brussels that you may want to avoid.
Wait… Here’s a folder with “POTUS Run 2020” written on it. Really? I mean, last time you lost to a guy who fell off a Segway and seemed to struggle with the English Language. Oh don’t look at me like that Mister Secretary. I guess you could say I was for this idea before I was against it. Toss.
Wait a minute. Here’s another folder. “Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech Drafts“. Oh come on. I think we’re lying to ourselves right now Mister Secretary. Hey! Give me that! Now Now Mister Secretary. Now put it down. So it seems we need a “Doctor Phil Tough Love Moment” right now. That’s good. Now how does that feel? Toss.
So, Mister Secretary. I think we made some real progress today. I’ll be by tomorrow morning to finish the job. Happy Chanukah!