Tag: Barack Obama

The New York Times, Thomas Friedman

Downsized: New York Times replaces Thomas Friedman with Chatbot Cairo Taxi Driver

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2023 at 11:45 PM

Manhattan: In a cost-cutting move described as Boomer Abuse Bold & Decisive, the New York Times decided today to replace longtime pundit Thomas Friedman’s weekly column with the transcripts of a Cairo Taxi Driver Chatbot. “This is really about eliminating the Middle Man.” explained editor Joseph Kahn. “For the last 40 years, Mr. Friedman has based 90% of his columns on the insights and wisdom of cabbies from Amman, Cairo, and Riyadh. Think of this as a more ‘farm to table’ approach to journalism.”

Ahmed is an affable, verbose, yet insightful cab driver who was created in a collaborative effort between Columbia University’s Middle East and Computer Science Departments. Ahmed still believes that he is speaking to his old friend “Mister Tow-Moss from America” who he first drove in 1983 on the way to a birthday party for King Hussein hosted by Hosni Mubarak. Ahmed the chatbot has a chatbot wife named Heba and four University-educated chatbot daughters, leading to many conversations on the Status of Women in the Middle East that somehow always align amazingly close to Mr. Friedman’s point of view.

“We created Ahmed with the ability to produce hours of folksy homespun non sequiturs mixed with raw insights that are suspiciously close to Mr. Friedman’s own political beliefs and theories.” explained Alyssa Stevens, the lead programmer on the project. “Ahmed has read ‘The World is Flat’. He found it ‘derivative’ but doesn’t have the heart to say this to his cherished friend.“

Wishing to get to the bottom of this travesty of justice, the Daily Freier sought out Ahmed the Chatbot for a…. chat. Ahmed took us on a virtual ride from Cairo International Airport to our virtual hotel near the Nile. “Helloooo Tow-moss my friend!” bellowed a noticeably happy and enthused Ahmed. “Habibi, we must move away from Fossil Fuels and build a new Digital Arab Superhighway! We can call it Silicon Suez! This is a very good name, don’t you think, Mister Tow-moss?”

As Ahmed eased his way through traffic, he smoked a computer-generated cigarette and expounded on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in terms that again hewed amazingly close to Inside the Beltway Center-Left Conventional Wisdom. “Tow-Moss my friend, Bibi and the Israelis do not want peace. Bibi should have listened more to Obama and Bill Clinton. I still love Bill Clinton, Mister Tow-Moss!” Ahmed somehow made “Israelis” into a 7 syllable word.

As we left the cab, Ahmed wished good health and happiness for our family before leaning in closer and lowering his voice to an urgent whisper. “Tow-Moss, we must stop Bibi from copying Trump’s playbook and instigating a January 6th-style response to the Protests against Judicial Overhaul in Israel!”

Sources close to Mr. Friedman remain convinced that he will quickly recover from this professional setback as the Chatbot lacks the required Gigabytes of memory to truly mimic Friedman’s name-dropping capabilities.

 

Freier from the Future, Our "Cousins"

Top Ten surprises in the Ten Year Backlog of Palestinian Mail

So Israel and the Palestinian Authority ended some sort of dispute, and now Jordan can give them some mail that’s been held up since 2008 (Anyone who thinks this is just because of “The Occupation” is welcome to help us get our $50 worth of clothes from the Gap™ out of Ben Gurion Airport Customs without paying the $30 in fees that they demanded from us). But what long-hidden truths have been revealed? The Daily Freier got one of our Scandinavian backpacker friends to check out Ramallah and come back with a full report. And what a report it was! It’s like a Time Capsule from 2008! The first iPhone! Obamamania! Taylor Swift just broke up with a Jonas Brother! If only we could…. never mind. Anyhoo, here are the Top 10 Revelations in the mail!

10) That gift we need to get Hosni Mubarak for his “30 Years as President” party? Skip.

9) That invite to Qadaffi’s 2011 Folk Dancing Expo and Film Festival in Tripoli? Same.

8) The 2012 “Bashar Assad Salute to Arab Unity Weekend” in Damascus? You seeing a pattern yet?

7) Can somebody tell Mahmoud Al-Mabhouh to watch out for women in floppy hats and guys with tennis rackets when he goes to Dubai?

6) They say that the Zionist Dogs are going to build a High Speed Rail from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv by 2016.

5) That Real Estate Investment Prospectus from Ehud Olmert? No. Just No.

4) Bibi is in BIG Trouble! There is NO WAY the Israeli Left can screw up the 2015 Elections!

3) Obama just beat McCain! We will never get a more sympathetic friend in the White House! Now is the time to really sit down for negotiations and finally get our Palestinian State living in peace next to Israel! Wait, what’s that? We’re just going to blame Israel, do nothing for the next 8 years, and wait for something to happen? OK that also works.

2) Hahahaha! Donald Trump is running for President in 2016! Hahahaha!

1) Wait, Mahmoud Abbas is still in Office???

 

 

Barack Obama, Israellycool

Obama wins 2nd Nobel Prize for creating the Israeli-Saudi alliance

Oslo: The International Community is positively giddy with the news that Former President Barack Obama is to receive his SECOND Nobel Peace Prize! Nobel Committee spokesperson Lars Olaf addressed the assembled news media earlier today.

“The Nobel Committee is proud to award this year’s prize to Barack Obama for his steadfast work uniting former enemies in the belief that his policies posed a clear and present danger to their respective nations. Mr. Obama’s Iran Policy has managed to bring Israel into a de-facto alliance with Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and the United Arab Emirates. Ten years ago, this would be unthinkable!”

The electrified crowd burst into applause when Mr. Obama strode into the room to accept his prize. “Please excuse my lateness, I was leading from behind…Then again, we are the one we’ve been waiting for.”

(The Daily Freier is published over at Israellycool today. Go check it out!)

Barack Obama, John Forbes Kerry

Khameini is in trouble! Quick, let’s fly him $1.7 Billion stacked on pallets!

SCENE: Headquarters, Justice League of Unemployed Lefty “Experts”

Former President Barack Obama: People, let me perfectly clear. These protests. In Iran. Are contributing. To instability. In the Middle East. And more importantly. They are. Endangering. My Legacy. Which is. The Iran Nuclear Deal.

Former Secretary of State John Forbes Kerry: I actually was for these protests, before I was against them.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: (Stumbles in dressed in hiking gear and clutching a bottle of Chardonnay): Let’s tell everyone to be quiet and not voice support for the protesters. I mean, it worked last time.

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Go Check it out!)

Israellycool, John Forbes Kerry

Iran Names its Newest Ballistic Missile in Honor of Ben Rhodes

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/17/2017 at 3:00 PM

Tehran- The Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps was giddy with anticipation today as they waited for Iran’s Supreme Leader to unveil their newest weapon system to the public. As crowds waited at the bi-weekly “Death to America/Death to Israel Military Parade and Children’s Puppet Show”, the Ayatollah Khameini removed a giant tarp to reveal Iran’s newest missile: the “Ben Rhodes”. Named in honor of the most clever former aspiring novelist to ever serve as a National Security Advisor to Barack Obama, the “Ben Rhodes” is an impressive weapon indeed. The Ayatollah Khameini explained the reasoning behind the name to the press.

“In our culture, it is important to show gratitude. So it only seemed fair to name this great missile after the man who helped make it all possible. Of course, he had some help. So honestly, coming up with just one name was a bit tough.” Khameini then shared a fascinating tidbit of inside information. “You know, at first we voted to name the missile after John Kerry, but then we voted against it.”

The Ayatollah then went on to explain the rigorous testing that the missile went through, to include tests in a specially constructed Echo Chamber. “This missile took a lot of work. But it’s funny how everything worked out in the end: the Iran Deal, our unfrozen assets, America “Leading from Behind”. Yes it is all quite funny. But not as funny as Ben Rhodes being named to the Board of the Holocaust Museum in Washington.”

When pressed for future reveals from Iran’s arsenal, the Ayatollah let slip that the Revolutionary Guard would soon unleash their new decoy drone, the “Obama”. The Ayatollah then explained the drone’s unique capabilities. “The Obama looks like a formidable missile and sports a gigantic Red Line along its base. It will launch with a very loud bang but then wander aimlessly around the sky emitting a high pitch whining noise without ever reaching its intended target. Oh, and it costs $400 Million Dollars.”

(This story first appeared on Israellycool in 2017)

 

 

John Forbes Kerry, The Donald

Iran furious after Trump sanctions leave them 100% cut off from John Kerry’s lunch money

Kerry Zarif Iran Deal(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 10/22/2017 at 2:30 PM

Qom: Iran’s economy is reeling after news that the Trump Administration will not renew the amazingly-successful-not-at-all-a-suckers-bet Iran Nuclear Deal. The Iran deal, seen as the centerpiece of Barack Obama’s legacy, has now been turned over to Congress for approval or disapproval, thus imperiling Iran’s weekly access to John Kerry’s lunch money. The Daily Freier spoke with Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammed Javad Zarif, who agreed to speak with us “even though you’re calling from the Zionist Entity“.

“I cannot understand such a betrayal.” lamented Minister Zarif. “We had a deal. I considered John a friend. I mean, Just last week I sold him a very nice Persian rug for a very, very good price….. a price reserved only for close friends. Mister Kerry was supposed to drop off his lunch money tomorrow. How could this happen?”

Former Secretary of State Kerry was equally upset. “I find it particularly galling, the lack of nuance and appreciation for the diplomatic process in the Trump Administration. Just last week I was discussing the merits of the Iran deal at the Brookings Institute. And now it’s in grave danger. Worst of all, now that I don’t have a weekly appointment to wash Zarif’s car, my schedule is in tatters.”

As the interview drew to a close, Secretary Kerry had one more question. “The Daily Freier, eh? I find your newspaper’s name fascinating. Just what is a “Freier” anyway?“

Barack Obama

Revised Mission Statement for the U.S. Holocaust Museum

Holocaust Museum Daily freierSo apparently the U.S. Holocaust Museum has expanded its Mission Statement to include the defense of Barack Obama’s legacy on Syria.

And this has like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the fact that the Museum Board is now packed with Obama Administration alumnae to include Ben Rhodes, AKA “The Guy who sold us the Iran Deal”.

So the Museum authored a study that said “a variety of factors, which were more or less fixed, made it very difficult from the beginning for the US government to take effective action to prevent atrocities in Syria, even compared with other challenging policy contexts.” Using computational modeling and game theory methods, as well as interviews with experts and policymakers, the report asserted that greater support for the anti-Assad rebels and US strikes on the Assad regime after the August 2013  chemical weapons attack would not have reduced atrocities in the country, and might conceivably have contributed to them.

Anyway, it appears that the Museum is real busy these days burnishing a certain former President’s legacy. And we would not want to disturb them. That would be a red line rude. So we went ahead and edited the Museum’s mission statement (posted above) to reflect their new Goals. You’re Welcome.

Barack Obama, Carlos Danger

Obama pardons Anthony Weiner’s Twitter Account

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/19/2017 at 2:30 PM

Washington: With only hours left in his Administration, President Obama acted decisively today in order to correct a great injustice: the continued legal troubles of Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account.  Mr. Weiner’s Twitter account, which goes by its first name, “Chazz”, has been in and out of trouble since mid-2011. Unable to find a job due to possible legal action hanging over him, Chazz has been forced to make ends meet working on click-bait sites and pop-up ads.  The President explained his stance at this morning’s Press Conference.

“Let me be perfectly clear.” explained the President.  “The debt that Chazz owed to society has been paid. And it’s time to move on. Just as it’s time for Chelsea Manning to move on to a career as a pundit on Pacifica Radio or Russia Today or whatever. Just as it’s time for the guy who sold you that Bill of Goods called the Iran Deal to get a seat on the Holocaust Museum Board. This is what Progress looks like, people. Obama Out.”

To get his take on the good news, the Daily Freier caught up with Chazz as he exited a massage parlor in Northwest Washington D.C. We shook hands with Chazz (this is why we carry Purel, BTW) and proceeded to walk and talk about his new lease on life.

“I’m just really thankful for second chances.” explained Chazz as he leafed through a catalog of scented candles and lotions. “Only in America, am I right?”

The Daily Freier asked Chazz if he has been in contact with his former colleague, Anthony Weiner. “Unfortunately, part of the deal is that we stay at least 500 meters away from one another…. well, from each other and from All-Girls Catholic High Schools….. but I really wish him the best. He has a great future in this town. I mean, when you think of it, Trump owes his election to the guy.”

As we parted and said goodbye, Chazz assured us that from now on, all of his tweets would be “on the up and up“.  Then we checked his Twitter feed at 2 AM and saw a tweet to @chelseamanning saying “You up?“

Guest Writer Wednesday, The United Nations

USA abstains on UN Resolution condemning Moses’s crimes against Egypt

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 1/18/2017 at 6:30 PM

New York, Turtle Bay: Israel’s not-so-great position at the United Nations sunk to new depths this week after the UN Security Council passed, with the United States abstaining, a resolution demanding the investigation into alleged crimes committed by Moses. You know, the guy from the Bible. Dead for 3200 years, Moshe Rabenu, a homeless shepherd, was condemned for kidnap, economic sabotage of the Egyptian people and as an accomplice to mass murder. With the US failure to veto this resolution, the BDS movement is expected to boycott “everything that’s kinda Jewy“,  to include Facebook, Chinese Food, and Woody Allen movies.

The Resolution, first reported by that bastion of free press in the Middle East Al Jazeera, states that Moses forcibly removed 600,000 relatively content Jews from kibbutzim in Egypt, force-fed them crackers that taste like cardboard until they were sick, and then sped towards Eilat in a second-hand Hyundai. Furthermore, as the Canaanite Police Department gave chase, Moses the Terrible and his Zionist entities vandalized the streets of Cairo with a bunch of dead locusts and frogs. Police also believe he is responsible for splitting a sea, in contravention to international environmental laws.

“These crimes caused such economic hardship in Egypt that it ultimately led to revolutions and the arrival of ISIS.” said the UN’s outgoing Secretary General, Bank Ki Wank I Moon.

The investigation has been one of the longest in Egyptian history. Police did not open the file for more than 2,000 years, after only packets of Kosher-for-Passover Bamba and stubbed out spliffs were found in the wilderness around the Sinai town of Dahab.

Al Jazeera, however, managed to track down a key witness, Mahmoud, a retired tour guide. “It was definitely Moses. The trunk was flapping open and closed, with two giant tablets in the back. There were hundreds of kids strapped to the roof. I thought it was a school trip to the Coral Reef.” said Mahmoud. It is believed that Moses relied on an early version of Waze, a phenomenal breakthrough in GPS technology, which helped direct Noah to dry land during some pretty bad weather.

Israeli Prime Minister, Bibi Netanyahu, fresh from his latest romantic dinner with the other Moses, Arnon, said: “If you were abandoned in a wicker basket as a baby, you too would have a point to prove. Why should he be held to higher standards?”

Bibi received support from his new BFF, incoming President Trump, who googled “What is the United Nations?” before tweeting “Like #MerylStreep, the UN is vastly overrated.”