Tag: Barack Obama

Obama pardons Anthony Weiner’s Twitter Account

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/19/2017 at 2:30 PM

Washington: With only hours left in his Administration, President Obama acted decisively today in order to correct a great injustice: the continued legal troubles of Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account.  Mr. Weiner’s Twitter account, which goes by its first name, “Chazz”, has been in and out of trouble since mid-2011. Unable to find a job due to possible legal action hanging over him, Chazz has been forced to make ends meet working on click-bait sites and pop-up ads.  The President explained his stance at this morning’s Press Conference.

Let me be perfectly clear.” explained the President.  “The debt that Chazz owed to society has been paid. And it’s time to move on. Just as it’s time for Chelsea Manning to move on to a career as a pundit on Pacifica Radio or Russia Today or whatever. Just as it’s time for the guy who sold you that Bill of Goods called the Iran Deal to get a seat on the Holocaust Museum Board. This is what Progress looks like, people. Obama Out.

To get his take on the good news, the Daily Freier caught up with Chazz as he exited a massage parlor in Northwest Washington D.C. We shook hands with Chazz (this is why we carry Purel, BTW) and proceeded to walk and talk about his new lease on life.

I’m just really thankful for second chances.” explained Chazz as he leafed through a catalog of scented candles and lotions. “Only in America, am I right?

The Daily Freier asked Chazz if he has been in contact with his former colleague, Anthony Weiner. “Unfortunately, part of the deal is that we stay at least 500 meters away from one another…. well, from each other and from All-Girls Catholic High Schools….. but I really wish him the best. He has a great future in this town. I mean, when you think of it, Trump owes his election to the guy.

As we parted and said goodbye, Chazz assured us that from now on, all of his tweets would be “on the up and up“.  Then we checked his Twitter feed at 2 AM and saw a tweet to @chelseamanning saying “You up?

USA abstains on UN Resolution condemning Moses’s crimes against Egypt

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 1/18/2017 at 6:30 PM

New York, Turtle Bay: Israel’s not-so-great position at the United Nations sunk to new depths this week after the UN Security Council passed, with the United States abstaining, a resolution demanding the investigation into alleged crimes committed by Moses. You know, the guy from the Bible. Dead for 3200 years, Moshe Rabenu, a homeless shepherd, was condemned for kidnap, economic sabotage of the Egyptian people and as an accomplice to mass murder. With the US failure to veto this resolution, the BDS movement is expected to boycott “everything that’s kinda Jewy“,  to include Facebook, Chinese Food, and Woody Allen movies.

The Resolution, first reported by that bastion of free press in the Middle East Al Jazeera, states that Moses forcibly removed 600,000 relatively content Jews from kibbutzim in Egypt, force-fed them crackers that taste like cardboard until they were sick, and then sped towards Eilat in a second-hand Hyundai. Furthermore, as the Canaanite Police Department gave chase, Moses the Terrible and his Zionist entities vandalized the streets of Cairo with a bunch of dead locusts and frogs. Police also believe he is responsible for splitting a sea, in contravention to international environmental laws.

These crimes caused such economic hardship in Egypt that it ultimately led to revolutions and the arrival of ISIS.” said the UN’s outgoing Secretary General, Bank Ki Wank I Moon.

The investigation has been one of the longest in Egyptian history. Police did not open the file for more than 2,000 years, after only packets of Kosher-for-Passover Bamba and stubbed out spliffs were found in the wilderness around the Sinai town of Dahab.

Al Jazeera, however, managed to track down a key witness, Mahmoud, a retired tour guide. “It was definitely Moses. The trunk was flapping open and closed, with two giant tablets in the back. There were hundreds of kids strapped to the roof. I thought it was a school trip to the Coral Reef.” said Mahmoud. It is believed that Moses relied on an early version of Waze, a phenomenal breakthrough in GPS technology, which helped direct Noah to dry land during some pretty bad weather.

Israeli Prime Minister, Bibi Netanyahu, fresh from his latest romantic dinner with the other Moses, Arnon, said: “If you were abandoned in a wicker basket as a baby, you too would have a point to prove. Why should he be held to higher standards?

Bibi received support from his new BFF, incoming President Trump, who googled “What is the United Nations?” before tweeting “Like #MerylStreep, the UN is vastly overrated.

Hanukkah Miracle as Ketchup Heiress with nothing to say speaks for 75 Minutes

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2016 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: People around here have seen a lot, but something is different this week. On Wednesday, something happened that was so profound that it very well may have been a modern Hanukkah miracle. Ketchup heiress/Navy Veteran/Dude who lost to Dubya/Diplomat John Kerry spoke for 75 minutes without actually having anything to say. With only enough relevant ideas to fill a 5 minute chat, Kerry somehow summoned enough J-Street talking points, Senate anecdotes, and Thomas Friedman clichés to make his talk last 75 minutes. Nes Gadol Haya Sham! So the Daily Freier hit the streets to find out the word. On the streets.

As the Daily Freier exited Jerusalem’s Central Bus Station, we ran into a familiar face: Alert Local Ronit S., who was on her way to the Ministry of Education to get a scuba diving certification from Cancun translated into Hebrew so she could be a dive instructor or something. We asked Ronit if she heard the speech.

Yeah. They played it on the bus the whole way here. Seventy. Five. Minutes. It was so bad that the driver actually had to pull over to get some fresh air near Latrun. I made a bet with the guy next to me on how long it would last. He said 90 minutes, I said 70. So I won. 50 Shekels. The guy was mad and insisted that if Kerry was allowed to also speak in French that the speech would have hit 2 hours.

The Daily Freier said goodbye to Ronit and proceeded onto the Light Rail toward the  Illegally Occupied Western Wall. On the Light Rail, we saw Historian Yoni K. who went on to explain the significance of Kerry’s speech. “What Secretary Kerry did was like transporting me back in time.” explained Yoni as he looked into the distance. “It was like I was in Barack Obama’s Columbia University Dorm Room bull session circa 1983. Imagine a reality where Israel never offered the Palestinians a State in 2000, 2001, and 2008.  A reality where Ehud Barak never completely withdrew from South Lebanon in a UN certified move in 2000, and Hezbollah never promptly moved in and kidnapped an Israeli patrol. In this Alternative Universe, Ariel Sharon never removed every Jew from Gaza and handed it over to the Palestinian Authority in 2005; and Hamas never evicted the PA from Gaza in 2007…. You know, for a minute while I was listening to his speech….. I thought that I was high.

The Daily Freier jumped off the Light Rail and walked over to city hall where several children sat in a circle playing dreidel.

Gimmel” shouted one boy as he grabbed a handful of candy from a pile in the center.

Hay” shouted another, as he too grabbed some candy.

Nun” mumbled another boy as the other kids started to taunt him. “Ha Ha!” They shouted as they handed him the headphones of an I-Pod. “Now you have to listen to Kerry recount his special friendship with Shimon Peres.

That’s OK, I guess.” muttered the boy. “At least I don’t have to listen to him talk about his yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard.

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Here, Mr. Kerry. Let me help you pack your bags.

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

Hey Mister Secretary! That was a world-class speech you just gave today. Now that you’re done with your speech, I think it’s time we start to pack your things for the big move. I mean, you know how hard it is to get anything done in DC the week after New Years. What’s that? You say you still have 23 days left in office? I know, I know. Folks in our part of the world are holding a bit of a countdown.

What’s that you say? You’re not finished? There is so much more to do? But you’ve already done so much. Syria. Libya. Iraq. Iran. Ukraine. And with today’s speech, another feather in your cap! So please, let’s at least go through your stuff. Here, I’ll start.

Mister Secretary, let me say I am impressed with your bookshelf. But… Your “Fodor’s Guide to Israel“?  Something tells me you won’t be getting a lot of invitations from Israelis to visit. I’m going to put this one in the “Toss” bin.

Your guide to Egypt? Not sure if the invites will be streaming in from there either. Toss.

Wait, here is your 2010 Edition of the “Lonely Planet Guide to Syria.” I see you have the chapters on Aleppo and Palmyra bookmarked. Wait, you say you want to keep it? So….yeah. Maybe you should call your friend Mr. Lavrov on this one. Toss.

OK, here’s one. “A Conde Nast Guide to Europe”! So, it’s just that…demographics…have changed a bit since your Boss’s good old “Red Line” to Assad back in 2013. So yeah. I’d take that trip to Europe in the next couple months if I were you.  I’ll put this one in the “Keep” pile. But let me just underline in red ink the neighborhoods in Paris, Berlin and Brussels that you may want to avoid.

Wait… Here’s a folder with “POTUS Run 2020” written on it. Really? I mean, last time you lost to a guy who fell off a Segway and seemed to struggle with the English Language. Oh don’t look at me like that Mister Secretary. I guess you could say I was for this idea before I was against it. Toss.

Wait a minute. Here’s another folder. “Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech Drafts“. Oh come on. I think we’re lying to ourselves right now Mister Secretary. Hey! Give me that! Now Now Mister Secretary. Now put it down. So it seems we need a “Doctor Phil Tough Love Moment” right now. That’s good. Now how does that feel? Toss.

So, Mister Secretary. I think we made some real progress today. I’ll be by tomorrow morning to finish the job. Happy Chanukah!

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‘Don’t move U.S. Embassy from Tel Aviv!’ warns guy who will hold your phone for 15 Shekels while you’re at U.S. Embassy in Tel Aviv

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/23/2016 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: As a certain President-Elect (Also known as HaShem’s early Chanukah gift to humor writers) selects a team that appears to actually really really want to move the United States Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, voices are crying out against such a radical move. Voices that are saying “Stop! Such a unilateral move is too risky! You’re going to ruin everything we have worked for!” Are these the words of noted diplomat and windsurfer John Kerry? The President who knows what’s good for Israel better than Israel knows what’s good for Israel? The New York Times? Purveyor of Received Wisdom Thomas Friedman?  Not really. Actually, these are the words of Benny, the guy with the shop across from the U.S. Embassy on HaYarkon Street, who will hold your phone for the mere price of 15 Shekels while you are doing whatever you are doing in there.

The Embassy, whose strict rule of  Absolutely No Cellphones on site has forced its Israeli Local Hire employees to sext each other via fax, has proven to be a goldmine to the guy in the shop across the street with the World’s Greatest Business Model. Specifically: Open a Shop Across From The U.S Embassy and Charge People 15 Shekels to Hold Their Cellphones While They are Inside the U.S. Embassy. Benny explained his philosophy.

I don’t understand why you would want to move the Embassy. You have everything here. the beach, restaurants….me. Think about it. When you need a place to put your phone? Boom! Here I am! And how can you be sure that the guy who takes your phone in Jerusalem will be up to the job? He will probably have to close the shop for Shachrit, Mincha, and the rest of that stuff. Me? I’m always here. Am Yisrael Chai. God Bless the USA.

Benny continued to explain his specific predicament. “My wife doesn’t know about the Embassy move yet. And I saw her pricing tickets on the Internet for a trip to Rome this Spring. And new furniture for the living room. I’m dying over here. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I can call Mister Trump. He seems like a regular guy. Maybe we can make a deal.

Before making the call, Benny plans to gather other concerned stakeholders to include the Embassy Marine guards, who have come to appreciate being stationed 50 meters from Tel Aviv Beaches full of women from Tel Aviv, the bartender at Mike’s Place who needs to save up for a trip to South America, and the State Department Employees who will need to lie to their wives/husbands/significant others and say that Jerusalem really really has a great night life….you just need to look a littler harder.

 

 

 

 

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People of Israel, You’re Welcome.

Sometimes, when one has received a helping hand …. or as we used to say in Chicago, “a solid“, it can be difficult to truly explain the emotions that one feels. Like gratitude. And that’s kind of the situation where we are right now. And by “we” I mean “you” the people of Israel. and “me” The President of the United States.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a lot that you can be thankful for. I mean, people have come up with a lot of ideas for peace. Bill Clinton did the whole “Peace Process” thing. And I suppose his idea of gaining the love and trust of the Israeli people before demanding tough concessions was a good idea… for the 90’s.

And I guess George W. Bush had an interesting plan as far as it goes in terms of building a deep personal bond with Ariel Sharon. But what did he get, besides Israel completely withdrawing from Gaza after 40 years  and handing it over to the Palestinian Authority? Are you following?

So clearly, this problem was crying out for a new way of doing business. And that’s where I came in.

I know it’s been a while, but let’s look back to 2009 when I flew over here to address the Muslim World and notably didn’t take a detour to say hi to Israel. Brilliance. Or again, for a bit of Chicago vernacular, I flipped the script …. But it gets better.

Remember the Arab Spring? Gotta say, that Mubarak character was a bit of “old hat“. Why not take a spin with the Muslim Brotherhood?  As my friend Hillary would say, “What difference does it make?

Which brings us to Syria. So there’s some folks who said the best path was to just do nothing and keep quiet. Bu that doesn’t represent. Our values. As Americans. And then you had some folks popping off. Saying we should establish a No-Fly Zone. But all of these folks failed to see the Third Approach: lecture and criticize Putin and Assad without actually, like, doing anything to back it up. And bang!  We were able to bear witness and hold Putin Assad accountable, without, like, actually having to hold them accountable.

Now when we look at the Iran Deal, a lot of folks said it couldn’t be done.  That our positions were too far apart.  And then we had some folks. Right here in Israel. And they were popping off about this. Without knowing. All the facts. But they didn’t have the big picture. Which I had.  And my Administration showed. That if you just gave Iran everything they asked for plus 20%, that they could be reasonable.

So after spending eight years with someone, you’re able to know what your partner is saying without them saying anything at all. Like that Alison Krauss song that’s so popular with the Deplorables  rural folks. So I hear what you’re saying, Israel. And all I have to say, is ‘You’re welcome‘.

Obama out.