It is the time of year where we pause to commemorate the campaign of War Crimes and Dispossession against the Ancient Egyptian People that some refer to as “Passover.” Now many years ago, a group of Rootless Cosmopolitans known as the “Israelites” decamped to the Nile Delta, a region that my friends in the Muslim Brotherhood say is quite lovely. At first the Egyptians showed the traditional generous hospitality that I can only hope to emulate when I have the precious opportunity to offer Raed Salah tea on the House of Commons Terrace.
Yet in a scenario that would not surprise any of the members of my secret Facebook group, this gang of “Israelites” acquired an unseemly amount of power and influence over their Host Nation. This disturbing turn of events rightly frightened Egypt’s respected Pharaoh, a man I would consider a friend. Seeking to make Ancient Egypt “For the Many, Not the Jew Few”, Pharaoh chose to engage the Israelites in a constructive dialogue which included a rigorous regimen of outdoor exercise and civic improvement, a scenario that gardening allotment enthusiasts like myself would find rather refreshing indeed.
Yet despite Pharaoh’s very wise plan of action, the Israelites continued to prove a nuisance to a comprehensive Middle East peace. Therefore, Pharaoh attempted a different course of action concerning the male children of the Israelites that at first seems a bit brash, but was deemed moderate by my friends in Hamas. But once again to the surprise of nobody, the Israelites found clever loopholes to flout the legal edicts of Pharaoh’s Government. And sadly but not surprisingly, the Israelites were able to manipulate members of Egyptian society, to include Pharaoh’s well-meaning but naive daughter, who rescued the future Zionist War Criminal known as “Moses”.
This “Moses” character was offered the very best of Egyptian hospitality, yet chose to repay his hosts by murdering a somewhat zealous Union Shop Steward in the midst of reprimanding a wayward Israelite employee. The criminal fugitive then fled into the desert where he had some sort of psychedelic hallucination concerning a burning plant, upon which he got the daft impression that he was to lead a criminal work stoppage against Pharaoh. Moses then set about subjecting the Egyptian people to an escalating cascade of War Crimes that are sadly reminiscent of current events in Occupied Palestine today.
Finally, Pharaoh chose to simply wash his hands of this troublesome lot, and generously offered the Israelites a military escort to the Red Sea. Moses promptly drowned the Egyptian soldiers, showing once again a level of perfidy matched only by the Netanyahu Regime.
To add insult to injury, this War Crime is still celebrated today in a holiday involving bland crackers, excessive drinking, and children extorting their parents for cash. Now I don’t know what exactly goes into this “matzoh”, but some of my friends in the Labour Party have some very interesting theories on this subject indeed.
(Editor’s Note: first published this story on the Times of Israel in 2018)