By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/4/2018 at 3:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Police are racing against time in an attempt to rescue a man trapped in a Central Tel Aviv elevator with nothing to read but today’s edition of Haaretz. The newspaper, known for its Left-Wing stance, as well as for hosting cultural conferences where performance artists throw oranges at the audience and stick flags in their butt (What? You think we just made that up? Oh Ye of Little Faith), is considered somewhat of an acquired taste. Authorities soon learned that the building’s thick concrete walls blocked cellular data coverage thus forcing the man to pass the time by reading Haaretz instead of checking his phone.  Upon learning this, they rushed a team of police, firefighters, and paramedics to rescue the man, identified as recent American immigrant Zachary F, before it’s too late. The Daily Freier wandered over to the unfolding scene to get all of the facts.

“Time is precious.” explained the on-scene Commander, a Police Lieutenant named Moti. “We’re afraid that once he reads today’s Amira Hass article, he may lose his will to live. Just like that poor chimp at Tel Aviv University.”

Moti continued to monitor the situation via closed-circuit television before suddenly barking orders to a group of firefighters. “Hurry up with the ladder! He’s getting to the part where Peter Beinart implies that he may want to break up with Israel because Bibi won the last election!”

While the building’s thick concrete walls forced Zachary to read Haaretz in the first place, Moti explained that they also may have prevented further tragedy. “Baruch HaShem, those concrete walls means he doesn’t have access to Amos Schocken’s Twitter feed.”

UPDATE: As the article went to print, paramedics were struggling to insert a breathing tube into the elevator shaft, as Gideon Levy’s latest Editorial on Gaza threatened to suck all the oxygen out of the confined space.