By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 3/9/2019 at 6:05 PM
Washington: In an unexpectedly decisive move, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi yesterday restricted Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (Democrat-Minnesota) to just one anti-Jewish tweet per week. Congresswoman Omar’s Twitter history includes such Greatest Hits as ‘Israel hypnotized the world’, that support for Israel in Congress was “all about The Benjamins“, and (just this week!) that American Jews have dual-loyalty. All of this drama has given the Democrats a bit of a rough week, and Pelosi decided bold action was in order. Speaker Pelosi’s spokesperson Drew Hammill explained the new policy at a noontime press conference. “Today Speaker Pelosi laid down the law: Congresswoman Ilhan Omar is henceforth to write no more than one anti-Jewish tweet or Facebook post in any 7-day period, whether or not Congress is in session.”
Reaction in the pundit-sphere was quite positive, with noted “As-a-Jew” Peter Beinart expressing his relief. “This masterstroke by Pelosi means that I can put a solid 5 days into my explanatory think-piece for the Atlantic on why Ilhan Omar’s next anti-Jewish outburst is not nearly as bad as that time Trump called a reporter fat. I think you’re going to see a noted increase in the quality of my excuses for Woke Left Wing Anti-Semitism. As a Jew I feel this is important.”
For her part, Congresswoman Omar was quite conciliatory and understanding of Speaker Pelosi’s new directive. “At first I wanted at least two or three, depending on whether I had a chance to meet up with Linda that week or not. But Nancy
Jewed me down was very adamant on this point, so I agreed. What can I say? I’m a team player. I mean, until 2020. Wait, did I just say that? Never mind that last part.”
The Daily Freier tried to contact Senate Minority Leader/noted champion of the Jewish people Chuck Schumer for a comment, but he was busy not doing shit while Woke anti-Semites were Corbynizing his party.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 8/5/2018 at 10:15 PM
London, Islington: Gardening allotment aficionado/Iranian TV Personality/British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn has decided once and for all to find a way forward with the United Kingdom’s Jewish Community and has thus planned an elaborate reconciliation dinner for the evening of Tuesday September 18th. The Daily Freier caught up with Mr. Corbyn as he was weeding his radishes on the allotment, and he shared his vision with the Daily Freier.
“I am really hoping to put this whole unpleasantness behind us, as I outlined in the message I sent to the Jewish Community on Friday night. But I got to thinking: Why not break bread together, much like I’ve done with my friends in Hamas? And what better night to meet up than Mid-Week in Early Autumn, perhaps Tuesday 18 September after Sundown? We could invite everyone: Ken, Diane, George, maybe even old Roger Waters!”
When the Daily Freier asked Jezz if he had run this idea by any actual Jews, he was quick to point out that Jewish Voice for Labour thought it was “a splendid idea.”
As we wished Jeremy good luck, he asked for our opinion on whether to serve cheeseburgers or scallops.
With the upcoming Liverpool stage show of George Galloway and Red Ken Livingstone, we at Israellycool and the Daily Freier are positively giddy with anticipation. But what kind of drinking game will we play, you ask? Well fear not, for we have the “Gorgeous George/Red Ken Bingo” game! How do you play? First, pour yourself a stiff drink. Gather four friends. Then print out the cards below. Then drink again. Then start watching George and Ken talk shop! Then drink again. And start marking off your boxes. And drink again. Whoever gets 5 in a row first, Wins!
WARNING: If Ken and George start making sense, you need to stop drinking.
(Here’s one of your Bingo Cards. Get the rest over at Israellycool today!)
It is the time of year where we pause to commemorate the campaign of War Crimes and Dispossession against the Ancient Egyptian People that some refer to as “Passover.” Now many years ago, a group of Rootless Cosmopolitans known as the “Israelites” decamped to the Nile Delta, a region that my friends in the Muslim Brotherhood say is quite lovely. At first the Egyptians showed the traditional generous hospitality that I can only hope to emulate when I have the precious opportunity to offer Raed Salah tea on the House of Commons Terrace.
(This article was posted over on Times of Israel. Check it Out!)
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
On Saturday we will mark another anniversary of a sad and quite frankly unnecessary chapter in history: the Naqba tragedy that some Zionists refer to as “Purim”. The events occurred 2300 years ago in a place called Shushan, now ruled by a man I consider a friend, the Ayatollah Khameini. Shushan’s King Ahashveros was an essentially decent man, yet a man who sadly fell under the influence of a certain world-wide conspiracy led by a certain group of people from a certain part of the world. I will give you three guesses who I’m talking about, but the first two guesses don’t count.
The King had a loyal viceroy, a man named Haman. Now Haman was a bit of a boisterous chap, not unlike the noble yet sometimes over-enthusiastic Yassar Arafat. Haman had some rather radical ideas for promoting demographic harmony in the Kingdom. Yet as my old friend Idi Amin noted to me once, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
King Ahashveros’ problems began after he married his second wife, a woman named Esther. Happened to be Jewish. Esther, showing a capacity to manipulate governments that is all too familiar to those of us who pay attention to these things, quickly found an important post in the Kingdom for her Uncle Mordecai, a Far-Right Likudnik agitator. Mordecai blatantly refused to respect the proper authority of Haman. Haman, as an indigenous inhabitant of the land, was quite justifiably offended by the settler Mordecai’s violation of his honor. Haman quickly devised a solution to this problem. Indeed, his Solution was actually rather Final. Yet once again, an unnamed International Conspiracy usurped the sovereignty of a Middle Eastern Government. Pulling on the strings of power, Esther unduly influenced the King, and in an action in clear violation of International Law, Haman was martyred executed.
Just to add insult to injury, Zionists today celebrate this War Crime with a crass week-long party rife with costumes that are quite frankly guilty of sexism and cultural appropriation, coupled with behavior that under normal circumstances would trigger multiple ASBO’s. One can only hope that this year there is a more progressive J-Street commemoration of Purim.