Tag: Times of Israel

Times of Israel hacked! Jerusalem Post’s confusing outdated website thwarts hackers

Times of Israel Hacked Daily FreierBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/3/2017 at 9:30 AM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Anglo community was rocked to its core yesterday after a team of Turkish Islamist hackers took down their website for much of the afternoon and evening, forcing its loyal readers to stop trolling each other in the comments section until well past 9 PM. Times of Israel spokesperson Danny C. explained.

This Denial of Service attack really hit us unaware. I mean, how did they hack us?? Also….. I’m going to have to talk to the IT guys about changing the password to something stronger than “BibiSux.

Without the outlet provided by the Times of Israel’s comments section, the nation’s Anglo Community were found wandering the streets of Beit Shemesh and other towns muttering to themselves and chiming in on the conversations of perfect strangers with their opinions. In addition, the nation’s literary guild held an emergency meeting after the hack left them unable to access the works of this incredibly talented guy who occasionally blogs for the Times. Finally, ardent fans of the Times writer Sarah Tuttle-Singer were forced to utilize an experimental content generator in order to get their fix of Sarah’s daily musings on deep-thinking cab drivers, Shuk anecdotes, the great hummus places of Ramle, Laphroaig, and some very very bad words about our current Prime Minister.

Yet with today’s tragedy also come tales of heroism. The Jerusalem Post’s Web Designers and IT Department are being hailed as modern-day Maccabees after their clunky and confusing web interface frustrated the hacker’s attempts to take down J-Post. The Daily Freier was able to speak via Skype to a hacker going by the name “Cenk”.

We really wanted to take down all of the news sites of you Zionist dogs, no offense.” explained Cenk. “The Times, Jerusalem Post, Haaretz….. actually Haaretz can stay. Anyways, once we were inside of J-Post’s site, we could do nothing. I mean, none of our guys are familiar with Windows 95 or WordPerfect. We just feel like total failures right now.”

When the Daily Freier asked Cenk why we weren’t hacked, he told us that while we were also  “idiot Zionists“, our web traffic numbers “just couldn’t justify the time and effort.

 

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Bibi’s Top Ten explanations for the Submarine Scandal

Daily Freier In bold compromise, Netanyahu promises to continue cashing Diaspora Jews’ checksSo apparently Israel’s $480 Million purchase of German submarines wasn’t entirely Kosher LaPesach, and Prime Minister Netanyahu’s friends keep getting arrested in what is no doubt just a big misunderstanding. Because the police are using some very hurtful words. Like “Bribery“. And “Tax Evasion“. And “Fraud“. But the intrepid journalists at the Daily Freier knew that there had to be a good reason for all of this, and sure enough, The Prime Minister provided us with 10 amazingly convincing explanations. So without further ado, here they are:

(The Daily Freier is published on the Times of Israel today. Check us out!)

And now…. the winning Sarah Tuttle-Singer article!

Build Your Own Sarah Tuttle Singer Article!Humans of Israel and Beyond!  This week the Daily Freier challenged you to build your own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article…..and almost 800 of you took time out of your busy schedules of trolling each other to participate in the contest. We had incredible results. Amazing results. The best results. Just the best. So much winning. We actually got bored of winning! Anyways, without further ado, here are the runner-ups and the winner of this auspicious contest. Shabbat Shalom!


SECOND RUNNER UP!

Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to troll Secret Tel Aviv. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about my dry cleaner who used to be in Hamas but now is into tai-chi. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a cat that hangs around outside the medical marijuana building getting a contact high. Which reminds me of why I really really can’t stand Bibi. And don’t get me started on Trump today.  The wall!


FIRST RUNNER UP!

Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to have a major crush on Naftali Bennett. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about the Haredi lady in my soul cycle class who votes Meretz. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a Druze cab driver who looks kind of like Larry David. Which reminds me of why….No you don’t get it. I REALLY can’t stand Bibi. And don’t get me started on Trump today. @&${>^©©|]€¢¥)&@


AND THE WINNER IS…..

Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to get really baked and crank call Likud Headquarters. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about the Palestinian woman who knows every episode of Seinfeld. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a Palestinian barber who keeps giving me advice about my use of punctuation. Which reminds me of why…. Hey! Are you even paying attention? I can’t stand Bibi!  And don’t get me started on Trump today. He should be impeached!


 

Build your own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article!

Build Your Own Sarah Tuttle Singer Article!Love reading Sarah’s musings on life in Israel, rants about all things Trumpian, and where to get the best hummus…. but don’t have time to scan the Times of Israel? Well fear not, for the Daily Freier has created a machine so advanced, you can build your very own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article. From scratch. And we conducted a blindfolded survey of 10 random people off the street, and none of them could tell the difference between our product and the real thing. We guarantee. Or your money back. So just hit the “Start Survey” button below and build your own story about flasks, the best pomegranate guy at the Shuk, and some not so nice words about The Donald. On Friday we will write a story using your most popular entries. You’re welcome.

Times of Israel arrested for stealing Haaretz’s Identity

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/5/2017 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem: The nation’s journalistic community is in shock today after police launched an early morning raid on the Times of Israel’s Headquarters and arrested key personnel. A Jerusalem Magistrate issued a warrant early this morning for the arrest of the Times of Israel on the charges of stealing the identity of Haaretz. As the nation’s venerable Lefty newspaper, Haaretz is widely read outside of Israel by the Jewish State’s many critics while being read by as many as three dozen people who actually live here. But anyhoo, the Times of Israel, which started out a few years ago after telling the Jerusalem Post that it was time that they started seeing other people, used to be kind of normal. Reflecting an Anglo readership that was socially liberal but kinda to the Right on Security issues. Then things got a bit weird. Both with their coverage of Israel and abroad. Especially the States. It kinda felt like we were trapped in our childhood Reform Temple’s Wednesday Night Confirmation Class. Like forever…. And they kept ranting about Trump. A lot (And trust us, we know that there is a lot about Trump that you can make fun of.)…. But then they started stalking Haaretz. And sifting through Haaretz’s trash. And changing their hairstyle and their clothes to match Haaretz. And copying their voice intonation. Like that film in the 90’s with Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh or something.

Yet despite the Times’ recent leftward funk, today’s events came as quite a shock, especially to the folks who got arrested. As police escorted the handcuffed journalists out of the Times of Israel building, one unidentified female in her early 30’s screamed “My flask! My flask! Hey be careful you idiots! That’s Laphroaig dammit!

After the journalists were led away, the police held an impromptu Press Conference which was attended by the victims of this Identity Theft. Amira Hass got up to speak first. “Today I stand in solidarity with the Palestinians. For today I too had my identity taken away from me. Today was my Naqba.” Then it was Gideon Levy’s turn, and he described further details of the alleged theft. “I know that the Times of Israel broke in and stole my ideas. I mean, My Dream Journal is missing. Also my windchime. But they’re going down. My cat saw everything.

After the Victims’ Testimony, the police played a grainy surveillance video of two editors meeting in the Times of Israel Break Room.

———–

Unidentified Female (North American accent): You know what Israel needs?

Unidentified Male, (British accent): I give up. What?

Unidentified female: ANOTHER Lefty newspaper in English!

Unidentified Male: OMG Absolutely! Say… are you going to pass that joint or what?

————

Meanwhile, the not-at-all-Loony-Left Tel Aviv-based Blog “+972 “  complained that nobody has tried to steal their identity yet.

With the Times of Israel appearing to have imitated multiple facets of the Haaretz style, Tel Aviv residents want to know when the Times will also hold a cultural conference where a performance artist sticks a flag in his butt and pelts the audience with oranges. (And Yes. This really happened.)

(DISCLAIMER: The Freier still wants to blog for the Times from time to time. I mean, If that’s cool. No harm no foul? Call us maybe?)

Kerry Negotiates 7,000 Shekel Cab Ride to Ben Gurion Airport

John Kerry negotiates 7,000 Shekel cab ride to Ben Gurion Airport Daily Freier

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/30/2016 at 4:30 PM

Ben Gurion International Airport: As World Leaders depart Israel after paying their respects to the late Statesman Shimon Peres, United States Secretary of State has added another diplomatic feather to his cap, having successfully negotiated a 7,000 Shekel ($1,800) taxi cab ride from Jerusalem to Ben Gurion International Airport. The Daily Freier spoke with Mr. Kerry at Terminal One about how he successfully secured the price for his 34 mile journey with Shlomo, a Jerusalem cab driver.

Having been in the diplomatic game for some time, I have an appreciation for the subtleties and nuance of Middle Eastern discourse and bargaining that may escape others.” explained the Secretary of State before launching into a small anecdote about how Akko reminds him of Martha’s Vineyard.

(This article appears on Times of Israel today. Click Here to Check it Out!)

 

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FOREX holds EXPO in Cyprus after Hell cancels their reservation

FOREX Cyprus Conference Daily Freier

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 6/18/2016 at 10:30 AM

Gehenna: The recent FOREX/Binary Options Expo in Cyprus was by all accounts a fun event for all attendees, but word has leaked that Cyprus was not the Industry’s first choice. Industry gossip pointed to a previously booked venue. FOREX, a niche of the Investment World where the House always seems to win, has gotten a little bad press lately. And responding to published reports, Hell acknowledged today that they cancelled a reservation previously booked by FOREX. The Daily Freier went to Hell (as has been suggested through previous reader feedback) to get the whole story.

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/forex-holds-expo-in-cyprus-after-hell-cancels-their-reservation/

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