Tag: Danger Zone

2023 Israel-Hamas War

Top Ten Clues that Your Humanitarian Aid Pier is in Trouble
Pier Review

The Daily Freier is literally beside itself with the news that America’s Humanitarian Aid Pier in Gaza washed up on Ashdod Beach and is now playing Matkot while drinking arak with grapefruit juice. But how did it all come to this? How did such an amazingly Intelligent and Foolproof plan go so tragically… ummm… off course? Looking for answers, we spent the better part of the morning querying our friends in the 450 WhatsApp groups that we are trapped in. Then we walked around Dizengoff Center pestering strangers until we had enough data points to create this extensive list of Top Ten Clues that Your Humanitarian Pier is in Trouble:

  1. Your Tugboat Driver is Ben Gvir.
  2. The U.S. Naval Attaché is on Secret Tel Aviv “asking for a friend” about tonight’s Tide Schedules.
  3. You catch Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet fooling around up by the Bow.
  4. A Realtor named Ronit just listed your Landing Craft on Ashdod Yad Shtayim as a “Beachfront Rental“.
  5. The Sailor On Watch is actually just a dude from Tel Aviv dressed like the Village People.
  6. The Landing Craft’s Coxswain is using Waze.
  7. The Conning Tower just became Ba’al T’shuva and turned off its Signal Beacons for Shabbat.
  8. You get a super long text from the Floating Barge where she says you “feel distant” and “drifting apart“.
  9. The IDF Liaison Officer says his Fax Machine ran out of paper.
  10. The Sailors are busy playing volleyball in nothing but jorts & dog tags while listening to Kenny Loggins.
  11. It’s all a big stunt to appease some crazy Jew-Haters in Dearborn but they hate America anyway.

 

World News not about Jews

In major North Korea escalation, U.S. Navy reinstates men-only jorts volleyball, Kenny Loggins music

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/18/2017 at 4:00 PM

PACOM, Hawaii: As tensions rise between the United State and North Korea, today American Naval Aviation in the Pacific Theater of Operations went from Threat Condition Charlie all the way to “Threat Condition The Danger Zone“. With the two nations at a seeming impasse over the Hermit Kingdom’s nuclear program, the U.S. Navy has instructed its personnel to enter a higher state of alert. Despite the current crisis somehow having nothing to do with Israel, The Daily Freier somehow got ahold of a press pass and sat in on a briefing at Pacific Command Headquarters.

Lieutenant Commander (LCDR) Brad Johnson, Public Affairs Spokesperson, explained the new state of alert as he went through a PowerPoint presentation for the assembled press corps. “Male Personnel are expected to shave and wax their upper body, apply a very oily sunscreen, strip down to jean shorts…. but keep their dog tags on, and proceed to the nearest beach volleyball court for muster. At this point Kenny Loggins will perform his hit song ‘Playing with the Boys‘. Touching each other briefly on the butt during organized competition is OK, but must be proceeded or preceded by a high-five.” LCDR Johnson turned nervously to an Admiral sitting to his right. “Sir, are you Positive this is what the Navy was like back in the 80’s?”

LCDR Johnson went on to explain that not only will the music of Popular 80’s rocker Kenny Loggins play a part in the increased state of readiness, but that the singer himself was in fact currently sitting in on joint planning sessions as an advisor. You know, like he did on Archer.

At one point during the presentation, the Daily Freier offered to help mediate the dispute with North Korea, as we have a bit of history in this department. But Lieutenant Commander Johnson ignored us.

Val Kilmer could not be reached for comment.