The Daily Freier is literally beside itself with the news that America’s Humanitarian Aid Pier in Gaza washed up on Ashdod Beach and is now playing Matkot while drinking arak with grapefruit juice. But how did it all come to this? How did such an amazingly Intelligent and Foolproof plan go so tragically… ummm… off course? Looking for answers, we spent the better part of the morning querying our friends in the 450 WhatsApp groups that we are trapped in. Then we walked around Dizengoff Center pestering strangers until we had enough data points to create this extensive list of Top Ten Clues that Your Humanitarian Pier is in Trouble:
- Your Tugboat Driver is Ben Gvir.
- The U.S. Naval Attaché is on Secret Tel Aviv “asking for a friend” about tonight’s Tide Schedules.
- You catch Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet fooling around up by the Bow.
- A Realtor named Ronit just listed your Landing Craft on Ashdod Yad Shtayim as a “Beachfront Rental“.
- The Sailor On Watch is actually just a dude from Tel Aviv dressed like the Village People.
- The Landing Craft’s Coxswain is using Waze.
- The Conning Tower just became Ba’al T’shuva and turned off its Signal Beacons for Shabbat.
- You get a super long text from the Floating Barge where she says you “feel distant” and “drifting apart“.
- The IDF Liaison Officer says his Fax Machine ran out of paper.
- The Sailors are busy playing volleyball in nothing but jorts & dog tags while listening to Kenny Loggins.
It’s all a big stunt to appease some crazy Jew-Haters in Dearborn but they hate America anyway.
