So this Israeli woman wandered into Syria a while back and Israel apparently traded her freedom for Bamba, some rolling papers, and a matkot paddle the release of two Security prisoners and a large shipment of Russian Corona vaccines. It appears the woman has some issues, so this is a bit sad. But we paid a big price, she probably won’t be punished, and apparently she couldn’t care less. So here goes, the Daily Freier is going to satirize the situation with her Top Ten Excuses:
So for Israel’s Independence Day, our very own President Rivlin let his voice be used for the driving instructions on Waze, the Israeli Navigation App. However, the Daily Freier learned that Rivlin was not Waze’s first choice…. but that all the other choices disqualified themselves for one reason or another. So the Daily Freier has uncovered the transcripts for these rejected applicants and shared them with you, our loyal readers. To date we have shared the Waze instructions provided by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer and also your Nefesh B’Nefesh Aliyah Counselor! Anyhoo, guess who we have today? That’s right, the Netanyahus: Bibi, Sara, and Yair! Isn’t this Amazing? Let’s check it out!
Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu: Good afternoon and I would like to thank you for using Waze for your journey today. Did you know that Israeli innovation has led to the cherry tomato, the thumb drive, and Gal Gadot? We are truly the Start-Up Nation becau….
Sara Netanyahu: OK Hurry up and pull into traffic, we don’t have all day.
Bibi: So where are you driving today? Herzliya? Excellent choice! It is an incubator for technology and…
Sara: Turn left! Didn’t I tell you to turn left? Why aren’t you listening to me? You don’t think I’m educated? I am a trained psychologist! Psych-o-lo-gist! B.A ! M.A ! Don’t you know who I am? You’re going to get fired! You want to get fired?
Bibi: Sara, we can’t fire him. He doesn’t actually work for us. Besides, our new friend is going to do me a favor and run into this cigar store in the Tel Aviv Namal Port and pick up that box of Dominican Coronas I ordered. Wait, you asked how much you need to pay? Oh don’t be silly, I don’t pay for stuff like this. But go ahead and take this bag of deposit bottles in with you and bring back the change. Thank you my friend, I appreciate it. You know, a Waze trip is really a team effort. Like a sports team. Or, I don’t know, a submarine.
[Vehicle has temporarily stopped.]
Sara: You’re back?! Finally?! What are we paying you for? Hurry up and drive!
Yair Netanyahu: Hey, we’re about to pass the Pussycat Lounge. Can you jump out and ask if Cinnamon is working tonight? Because she said that if I bring people to the champagne room during her shift, she would rock my…..
Sara: Turn left! I told you to turn left!
Bibi: Hey, you missed the turn. Where are you going? And why are you trying to get out of the car? We’re in the middle of traffic! Wait, you want to quit your Waze trip? Come on, let’s talk about this. Because I’m willing to do almost anything to keep you in thiscoalitioncar with us. Name your price. Close all the makolets on Shabbat? Deal. Keep exempting Haredim from conscription? Consider it done. Go back on my word about letting the Reform pray at the Western Wall? Done and Done. Hey, where are you going???
Yair: Achi, before you go…. can I borrow 400 Shekels?
OMG Hi! Wait, you just did a Semester at Hebrew University??? Wow, that sounds A-MA-ZING! Isn’t Israeli Higher Education Incredible? You know, if you were a citizen, it would be MUCH cheaper! Hint, Hint! …… Ha Ha! Just Kidding! Not Really!
OK, So where are we going today? The Airport? You’re flying to London for an Internship? Ummm, yeah….. Not really feeling that, you know? I mean, No beaches in London, LOL! So yeah, what time is your flight? 3 hours? OK, Fine. What’s that? You think we’re going the wrong way to the airport? Oh no, this is a shortcut. Only Olim know it!
OK, back to your plans. Because to tell you the truth, I really think you should make Aliyah. And Israel is so Diverse! I mean, it’s not just Jerusalem and Tel Aviv. Haifa is Amazing. And there’s the Galilee! Can I interest you in our “Go North” program?
What’s that? You think you’re going to miss your flight to London because it’s been 45 minutes and we still haven’t gotten on the Highway?? Maybe that’s a sign from HaShem! Because to be honest, I think you’re making a Huge Mistake. At the very least you should do a MASA program until you come to your senses and give up this silly idea of living in Chul.
Wait a minute, it looks like we somehow ended up at the Nefesh B’Nefesh Jerusalem office. And we’re just in time for this week’s Aliyah fair! It’s a one-stop shop for you to get all of your paperwork in order. If everything goes right, we can submit your Aliyah application tomorrow morning! Isn’t this incredible? What are the Odds? I mean, Only in Israel, right?
So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, our much beloved President/National Grandfather Reuven Rivlin is lending his voice to the Israeli driving app Waze! How amazing is that? But did you know that President Rivlin was not their first choice? Waze tested several other Israeli public figures, yet for various reasons, it just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier was able to steal acquire the transcripts of the celebrities rejected for this honor. And this week we will review them all: Your Nefesh B’ Nefesh Aliyah Counselor, The Netanyahus (Bibi, Sara, and Yair!), the Editorial Board of Haaretz, Aryeh Deri, and the Israeli guy you just matched with on Tindr who currently wants to bang you and/or invite you to his Cousin’s wedding next week in Hadera. But today? Today we present you the rejected Waze narration from Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer! So without further ado, here are the transcripts!
(Time 11:00, Jerusalem, Davidka Square)
Oh hey! So you need to drive to Ben Gurion for a 3 PM flight? No problem, I know this city like the back of my hand, I even wrote a book about it! So let’s take this Amazing secret passage through Machane Yehuda! You see, last Purim I kissed a Haredi Woman there. No really! We were both wearing masks, but we all wear different masks every day of our lives, right? I mean when you think about…..wait a second, turn left here…..So anyway, we kissed and it was incredible….. Careful, the light’s about to turn red….But anyways, it was Purim, so, I mean like YOLO, right?
(Time: 11:57, Jaffa Street)
You may want to turn left here, they’ve been doing construction on this road for months and making like ZERO progress but when I asked the foreman what the holdup was, we sat down over a cup of sahlab and got in a long talk about his Army service and why he always plays Scrabble on Simchat Torah and…..wait a second, where was I? OMG the kiss? Can I tell you about the kiss? So as we finally broke our embrace, I swept away the bangs of her sheitl and we were both just so present in the moment. And as we parted our separate ways into the Jerusalem darkness, I could hear her voice echo off the ancient cobblestones: “Sei Gezunt!”……OK, let’s head toward the Damascus Gate. No, don’t worry it’s totally chill. And sorry but I’m going to have to insist that you stop at my friend Mustafa’s cafe for the BEST Arabic coffee in the city. Don’t worry, we have time. I mean, the cardamom? Can I tell you about the cardamo….. Take your second right in the roundabout….I could write an entire short story on how the taste of the cardamom lingers on the tongue and takes you back to the 15th Century and long ago villages and Winter rain and first love and…..
(Time: 12:49, somewhere near the Siloam Pools)
OK I think we’re lost right now. Wait, I can fix this. Can you drive until you see a furniture shop with this tall guy standing outside with the most incredible green eyes so even when I knew he was kinda overcharging me to re-upholster my couch, I didn’t care because I mean, easy on the eyes? (Get it? Get it?)
(Time: 13:26, The American Colony)
OMG OMG OMG stop the car! That’s Sarit, and she makes the most INCREDIBLE jewelry out of Goldstar bottle caps, dental floss, 10 Agurot coins, and tree sap! Can you run in and give her a hug for me and tell her that I’m sorry I missed her son’s Bris but that we totally need to catch up over drinks at Crave? It will only take a minute.
(Time: 14:08, Ammunition Hill)
OK, it looks like you might not make your flight, but I mean, isn’t life really about the journey?
Jerusalem: The #StartupNation just got wind of a story making some Not-So-Nice assertions about its economy, and they are NOT happy. In February, Bloomberg Online published an article describing Israel’s economy as “Low-Tech”. And if you think Israel is going to just take this sort of disrespect, well, you’re wrong. This afternoon, the Israeli Ministry of Finance sent a very irate Fax to Bloomberg citing all of the inaccuracies and false assertions in the story. The Daily Freier stopped by the Ministry to get all the facts.
“This article is just full of falsehoods and exaggerations.” explained Ministry spokesperson, Guy H., as a Dot-Matrix Printer worked noisily in the background. “Israel’s economy is a Hub of growth and innovation. We have the Technion! And look at Wix! Don’t forget about Waze!” Guy fiddled distractedly with his desktop computer for a moment and continued. “Please excuse me, my Windows 95 is telling me I need to re-start in order to install the latest patches.”
The Daily Freier then asked Guy if there was a reason why it took his office two whole months to respond to Bloomberg’s slanderous hit-piece. “We’ve been having a lot of problems with our dial-up, and the woman who has the password for the office computer with Internet access is on maternity leave and the guy with the key to the computer room has been on a smoke break for 7 weeks and we can’t fire him because his Uncle is a Big Deal over at Histadrut.” At this moment, Guy’s phone began to ring. “Sorry, but I need to take this call. Nobody has gotten new ID cards since December and I’m hoping that’s the Reprographics Shop saying they’ve fixed the Printer.” (Editor’s Note: Based on a True Story! In real life, a certain writer finally received his or her ID Card for the University of Haifa after submitting the request in December. And they misspelled our name on the card. Not that we’re bitter.)
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Guy asked us if we wanted to connect on MySpace.
UPDATE: In a late breaking development, the Daily Freier learned that Bloomberg disconnected its Fax Line at some point in late 2007, and thus never received the Economy Minister’s angry screed.
Tel Aviv, Sheinkin: I am sure my dad would be surprised at dating today – he met my mum at a Valentine’s Day disco in Liverpool – asked if she wanted crisps. She did. They were married for 40 years. Maybe it was Bamba.
Today, have we gone completely nuts? The gay world, literally. If a shared love of crisps belongs to a bygone era, at least let technology be accurate. As a sexual navigation app, it fails. Often.
Here’s Juan Carlos, he is from Chihuahua, Mexico. Oh. Does the Number 63 Bus go there? Can I use my RavKav? Waze says no. Once, someone in Cairo messaged me because his GPS said I was around the corner. Maybe we were once ‘one’ in Canaan. But in 2017? Not so much.
As the technological retreat gathers pace, they are now setting up special wards at Ichilov Hospital for people getting carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping through Atraf at 20 profiles per minute. I should know…. I was just in outpatients. Swipe, scroll, drool, click, next. I could not help marvelling at the talking nipples, zooming in on their bathroom mirror to see if they have used Windolene (you can tell a lot about places and people from their bathrooms, they say). And then, the Sears catalogue of the obligatory selfie at the gym – the new photo booth of the 21st century. I tried. Called someone over to help me lift the 50kg bar bell…….. aaaaand that’s why I was really at Ichilov.
“Host?” has become the new hello; the winky emoticon as close to a technological marriage as possible. I am rather partial of the little embarrassed one with deformed jazz hands. Spellings go out the window. ‘Have u got plans?’ Yes: You, Me, Shopping, Oxford English Dictionary. If you know how to use a comma, marry me. Just tell me what crisps you want at the wedding.
New York, Turtle Bay: Israel’s not-so-great position at the United Nations sunk to new depths this week after the UN Security Council passed, with the United States abstaining, a resolution demanding the investigation into alleged crimes committed by Moses. You know, the guy from the Bible. Dead for 3200 years, Moshe Rabenu, a homeless shepherd, was condemned for kidnap, economic sabotage of the Egyptian people and as an accomplice to mass murder. With the US failure to veto this resolution, the BDS movement is expected to boycott “everything that’s kinda Jewy“, to include Facebook, Chinese Food, and Woody Allen movies.
The Resolution, first reported by that bastion of free press in the Middle East Al Jazeera, states that Moses forcibly removed 600,000 relatively content Jews from kibbutzim in Egypt, force-fed them crackers that taste like cardboard until they were sick, and then sped towards Eilat in a second-hand Hyundai. Furthermore, as the Canaanite Police Department gave chase, Moses the Terrible and his Zionist entities vandalized the streets of Cairo with a bunch of dead locusts and frogs. Police also believe he is responsible for splitting a sea, in contravention to international environmental laws.
“These crimes caused such economic hardship in Egypt that it ultimately led to revolutions and the arrival of ISIS.” said the UN’s outgoing Secretary General, Bank Ki Wank I Moon.
The investigation has been one of the longest in Egyptian history. Police did not open the file for more than 2,000 years, after only packets of Kosher-for-Passover Bamba and stubbed out spliffs were found in the wilderness around the Sinai town of Dahab.
Al Jazeera, however, managed to track down a key witness, Mahmoud, a retired tour guide. “It was definitely Moses. The trunk was flapping open and closed, with two giant tablets in the back. There were hundreds of kids strapped to the roof. I thought it was a school trip to the Coral Reef.” said Mahmoud. It is believed that Moses relied on an early version of Waze, a phenomenal breakthrough in GPS technology, which helped direct Noah to dry land during some pretty bad weather.
Israeli Prime Minister, Bibi Netanyahu, fresh from his latest romantic dinner with the other Moses, Arnon, said: “If you were abandoned in a wicker basket as a baby, you too would have a point to prove. Why should he be held to higher standards?”
Bibi received support from his new BFF, incoming President Trump, who googled “What is the United Nations?” before tweeting “Like #MerylStreep, the UN is vastly overrated.”
Tel Aviv: The Israeli Municipal and National Police have put out a National Alert for a missing American tourist, last seen 72 hours ago. According to the Police Report, the missing person’s name is Sarah [insert another initial here]. Sarah, described as 21 years old, brunette, 5’2″, was last seen by friends on her way to locate “The Best Hummus Spot in Tel Aviv”.
“Yeah, I have no idea where she could have gone.” said David R., a friend of Sarah’s and a fellow team member from one of Israel’s countless and easily forgettable MASA programs. “The last thing she said to me was that this really nice Israeli guy told her about an amazing hummus spot in Tel Aviv (‘much better than all the others’) near the Carmel Market and that she was going to check it out…. And that was the last I heard of her.” David stared at the floor with a worried look on his face, “I mean she should have been back days ago, not to mention the fact that clearly the best Hummus place is Falafel Gabay on Dizengoff.”
Israeli Police who searched for Sarah since early Tuesday say that they have yet to find her but have identified several witnesses throughout the city who have claimed to have spoken to a woman who matches that description.
Yossi L., a long-time resident of Tel Aviv of 5 months claims to have spoken to Sarah that very day. “Yes, emmmmmm, I saw the American girl, she came up to me asking for directions. She was looking for the best hummus restaurant in Tel Aviv and it was supposed to be located the Carmel Market. I realized immediately she must have been lost and confused since the best hummus is on Pinsker Street and I quickly redirected her.” Yossi smiled and continued his story. “I mean Hummus HaCarmel is okay I guess but the real stuff is obviously Hummus Mashawsha.”
Police scoured Pinsker Street for clues but soon discovered that Sarah had already left the area. Another witness, Chaim T., seems to have spoken to Sarah as well, “Yes I saw her but she seemed very dazed and confused, looking for the best hummus on Pinsker Street when she should have been in Yafo at Abu Dhabi.” adding quickly with a broad smile, “Obviously I gave her directions … only 5 different buses with Moovit, not Waze!”
UPDATE: Relieved residents learned this morning that Sarah is alive and well. While wandering Yafo yesterday, Sarah suffered from heat exhaustion and alert bystanders rushed her to the nearest medical facility, Doctor Shakshuka. She is still sipping Limonana and looking at the menu because “there are just so many choices“.
Herzliya Pituah: You are coming to a party half an hour late, because you don’t want to pay the cover charge/wait in line/because on Facebook it says that the party starts at 9….. and the door is simply locked and a brutal looking security guy is trying to explain that you arrived too early. Like “half an hour late early“???
Ok, lesson learned! But the next week you are invited to a house party, you show up an hour (fashionably!) late, and the host is on his way to the shower wrapped in a towel and looks at you as you as if you had just fallen down from the moon. Sound familiar? Google Israel decided to solve this Olim problem and launch a new application “Israeli Standard Time“.
The app will get access to your calendar, Facebook, and WhatsApp in order to adjust your perceptions of time and space to the “more flexible” Israeli reality-based local timing based on the Middle Eastern traditions of punctuality. Now you don’t need to worry if you should come to an event two or three hours late to be on time – the application tracks Facebook “check-ins” and selfies posted to Instagram to let you know when the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire and it’s about time to show up.
Having trouble setting up meetings with Israelis? Let Israeli Standard Time do the job for you. The app automatically changes ETA based on the historical tardiness of your phone contacts. Next time, when you are supposed to meet at 7 pm, and you are getting a message at 6.58 PM that “I’m running 5 minutes late”, you don’t need to figure out if you should leave your apartment or if you can read a few more posts on Secret Tel Aviv. Israeli Timing automatically adjusts the message to read “I’m running 30 minutes late”. Winning!
The Application can be linked into Moovit, Waze and GetTaxi to make sure you are always “on time” in the amazing Startup Nation.
Stockholm: Debates over the Boycott Israel movement raged across Europe today after millions of fans were left traumatized by the decision to ban all things Israeli in Saturday’s grand finale of Eurovision. The chaos began when outspoken Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallstrom, a strong supporter of the BDS movement aimed at economically crippling Israel, made a series of blunders that left hosts Sweden red-faced. Firstly, she moved the singing competition from the 16,000 all-seater Ericsson Globe arena in Stockholm – after discovering that the mother-in-law of the Ericsson CEO had once eaten a pomegranate on an Israeli kibbutz in 1954. “We were left with no choice. We really can’t be seen to support that level of aggressive Zionism.” Ms. Wallstrom stated defiantly, as the venue was changed to an old IKEA warehouse in the tiny northern village of Dooberguberfloozer. Coaches were then arranged to transport the 42 competing nations after the Israel-developed GPS app Waze had been blocked, sending the lost Azerbaijanis on a wild-goose chase around Denmark. Meanwhile, Israeli start-up GetTaxi, the world’s second largest Taxi app, was switched off, forcing the Spanish to hitchhike to a place they could not even say.
Eurovision is one of the few European cultural events that reinforces regional differences and continuously raises the prospect of a third World War. Amidst all the kitsch of cheesy dancing fairies and Viking heavy metal bands, this year’s show was once again mired in controversy. Greece was devastated after failing to make the final for the first time and immediately blamed German-imposed cuts. Neighboring Turkey was thrilled to have negotiated its inclusion in next year’s semi-finals, in exchange for building more Syrian refugee camps. Fights and beheadings broke out in this year’s semi-finals after a romantic ballad sung by ISIS boy band, the Caliphatties failed to melt judges’ hearts. Canada too was left ticked off by Australia’s inclusion in Eurovision for the second year running. Quebec-born diva Celine Dion, who won Eurovision for Switzerland in 1988, offered to sing but new Prime Minister/heart-throb, Justin ‘Donnie Osmond’ Trudeau vetoed her offer, sending a giant wave of relief across Canada.
When the networks finally managed to broadcast the rest of the show, it appeared that bookies’ favorites Russia – which had threatened to turn off the gas and lights in Eastern Europe – had done predictably well. Also surprising was the Great Britain entry, sung by reality TV superstars Joe and Jake. The last time a British duo scored so well abroad, there was a pubic lice outbreak in London. Their upbeat song “You are not alone,” dedicated to former London Mayor Ken Livingstone, was nevertheless ridiculed in Germany. “Zay bloody will be soon if zay vote to leave ze EU next month, ha, ha!” Angela Merkel chuckled to reporters, as she faxed through the votes from Berlin.
Nervously awaiting the Eurovision results aboard Air Force Trump, the man formerly known as Donald, warned: “This is what happens when you have no real defensible borders, political or cultural.” The Republican rebel immediately called for the US-Mexico fence to be built six meters higher and promised a tax on burritos…..
(Note: Ukraine stole it from Russia and Australia. The UK did shit and the Israeli entry, which arrived late, held up by squabbles over the last kosher meal on El Al, finished about half way.)
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.