By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/18/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Basel: So you submitted a request to see a therapist last week online.  And now you’ve stopped by the Maccabi Office, taken a number, and walked down the stairs into their sketchy as hell waiting room.  You just need the Tofes 17 Form and then you can go see a therapist.  This is really important.  Being an Olah Hadashah is not easy.  And then there’s the school thing.  And your ex. And your mom.  And you made more per hour working for McDonalds 10 years ago than you make working for Nefesh now.

So anyway, all you  need is the approval form and you will be on your way!  But wait. The lady denied your claim.  Apparently Maccabi is cutting costs. She wants you to post your problems on Secret Tel Aviv “And they’ll take care of you”.

You: But that’s nuts!

Woman (Nava?): Welcome to Israel

You: But these are really personal problems!

Nava: Have you READ Secret Tel Aviv lately?

You: But they’re not professionals!

Nava: 90,000 people can’t be wrong.

You: But what if I have other questions?  Like what if I need to identify an insect I found in my kitchen?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: But what if I find a stranger’s underwear in my laundry?  Huh?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: But what if I need to find out what time the Shuk closes?

Nava: They got you covered.

You: This actually sounds pretty good. Thank you so much!

Nava: No problem.  Hey, do you have some place to go for Seder? We’re going to my Uncle’s house in Hadera.  You should come with us.