Tel Aviv: After being caught with some cannabis and spending close to a year in a Russian jail, Naama Issachar is now happily back in Eretz Yisrael thanks to a personal appeal from Prime Minister Netanyahu. Yet a lot has changed here in Israel since the early days of 2019, and Naama discussed her adjustment process to Israeli life with the Daily Freier.
“Wait, what’s up with Telegrass?” Naama asked us, slightly annoyed. “There’s a Nature Party in the Galil next week and I was hoping, I mean a friend was hoping to touch base with my weed guy, I mean a friend’s weed guy.” Naama paused for a moment and reflected. “The funny thing is that all of Tel Aviv basically smells like a giant spliff, but ‘everyone is out of weed‘. Like is that even scientifically possible?”
Naama continued describing the Big Adjustment. “I have so much to catch up on. Things like who won ‘The Voice’, and who we’re sending to Eurovision…. so is ‘Tudo Bom’ still a thing?”
Before ending the interview, we secured a promise from Ms. Issachar that she would update us with all the stories from her inevitable trip to MidBurn and/or Tzfat later this year.
EPILOGUE: While the Daily Freier has a rich history of shrewdly negotiating with Mr. Putin, nobody from the Government bothered to call us. Next time something like this happens, can someone have Bibi’s office send us a text?
Haifa: A woman who married a wild boar from Haifa in 1999 is now, decades later, one of Israel’s many ‘Agunot,’ the name for women ‘chained’ to a defunct marriage and unable to remarry in a traditional ceremony. Her husband, the wild boar, has repeatedly refused to grant her the Jewish divorce degree known as a Get. Smadar S., who had only been on three dates before she married the boar, and who subsequently filed for civil divorce, is frantic to get a religious divorce as well so she can remarry and have a child before her biological clock ticks to the end of her fertility.
“I never thought a wild boar would trap me like this.” she said. “He was so nice in the beginning. But now my life is a mess and it’s completely unfair. Why does he get to remarry while I can’t even date? Being an Agunah is worse than turning forty.“
“Look, I understood that he was a wild boar.” Smadar went on. “But I thought my love would help him to change. I was patient. I was kind. He wanted to root through garbage? Fine. I looked the other way. His idea of a vacation was digging his furry snout into garden manure… whatevs. A wild boar’s gotta do what a wild boar’s gotta do. I get it. I’m not meshuganah. But he’s absolutely refused to be a mensch and grant me a Get, even when asked by friends, family, attorneys and others. His response was always the same. He’d snort a few times, trot away and overturn a trash bin.”
The wild boar population in the coastal city of Haifa has grown considerably larger since 2018 as a result of the city’s mayor, Einat Kalisch-Rotem banning measures that would have driven the wild boars away and/or killed them. Animal rights defenders have applauded the mayor’s defense of nature and the local wildlife, but there have now been reports of single wild boars in dating apps and groups of wild boars blocking traffic. Wild boars, like foxes, jackals and other wildlife, are protected by Israeli law.
“Wild boars are grey, their hair feels like bristle, and they can grow up to two meters (six feet) long.” Smadar took a long sip of her coffee and stared into the distance. “I don’t know why I thought that was Hot.”
“Oy, veh iz mir… you wouldn’t believe how selfish they are. A wild boar thinks only of himself. He never replaced the toilet paper after he used up a roll. Just left the cardboard. Seriously, every time. He never paid a bill. Never cooked a meal. Never a kind word. Nothing. De nada. I wish I’d gotten a pre-nup.”
As we got up to leave, Smadar inquired whether we knew any ‘discreet’ Arab Christians or Russians who ran a butcher shop. “Asking For a Friend“.
Tel Aviv, Montefiore: A beloved Tel Aviv literary institution is recovering nicely from a month-long bout of Writer’s Block. After weeks of not having goofy yet funny ideas pinging around our respective minds, the Staff of the Daily Freier are now firing on all cylinders. The creativity is happening! We’re busy type-type-typing away! Baruch HaShem!
Oh Yeah….. in completely unrelated news, Rabbi Shmuley’s daughter Chana just opened a Sex Shop in Tel Aviv. Not sure why we bothered to mention this, as it has nothing to do with our miraculous recovery from Writer’s Block, which we attribute to plenty of bikram yoga, a juice cleanse in the Negev, and the Keto Diet. But sure…. Chana, who is clearly carrying on the Boteach family tradition of keeping a low profile/avoiding sensationalism, just opened “Kosher Sex” on Montefiore Street. Plus, it doubles as a clothing boutique!
Tel Aviv, Allenby: A robot from the Israel Defense Force’s Explosive Ordnance Demolition (EOD) unit has just posted on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” asking for a lot of free stuff ”because he’s a Lone Soldier“. Lone Soldiers, or those who come to Israel to serve in the IDF without their family, tend to get a bit of help from the Community. But some guys take the whole thing a bit far. The Daily Freier spoke with the robot, known to his friends as “Udi”, in a cafe on Dizengoff Street as he enjoyed a well-deserved 48 Hour Pass with friends.
“Look, I don’t want to be pushy.” explained Udi. “So I just asked for some pots & pans, a bed-frame, a bicycle, a washing machine, some furniture, a Playstation, and an espresso maker. Oh yeah, and a hat. I definitely need a hat.”
While the idea of a robot posting online might strike some as being bizarre, Secret Tel Aviv appears to have accepted Udi as one of their own. “Udi has adjusted well to our community.” explained Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark. “In fact, last week some of his female robot friends submitted his photo to our site in an attempt to do a bit of amateur matchmaking ‘because he’s a really nice guy‘. Also just this morning, he joined a post concerning a used futon for sale and within 5 minutes someone had already accused him of hating Israel. Finally, he submitted a question about how to get medical marijuana without a doctor’s prescription, but added ‘asking for a friend‘ to the end of the post. You know, normal Secret Tel Aviv stuff.”
Update: In late breaking news, Udi the robot has just sent a sleazy Direct Message to the apartment-hunting Norwegian woman on Secret Tel Aviv who somehow thought it would be a good idea to add a selfie to her post.
EDITOR’S NOTE: We blacked out the name of the cat’s owner. But if you are that person, the Daily Freier wants to help you get your cat laid and will be happy to add any relevent contact info to this post. Let us know.
Yet today the site is in a bit of trouble with the Authorities. Just before Shabbat, a Ramat Gan woman wrote a post attempting to procure a female cat for her male Sphynx named “Yoda” to have sexual relations with. Now the Tel Aviv Police Department’s cyber-crimes unit is investigating this possible case of cat-pimping. The Daily Freier walked down to the police station on Dizengoff to get all the facts.
“What we are uncovering is really unprecedented.” explained a detective named Sivan. “I mean, this may be the first time anybody ever used Secret Tel Aviv to have sex. If we don’t move quickly, Secret Tel Aviv could turn into the sort of site where women ask for advice on the best skin care options in Tel Aviv and a bunch of sketchy dudes make the same perverted joke. Imagine that!”
The Daily Freier then took the time to speak to several passersby at Shuk HaCarmel about this disturbing development. “I am very worried about the direction that Secret Tel Aviv is taking recently.” explained alert local Ronit S. “I mean, at this rate, they might even open their own Sperm Bank. Wait, never mind.”
Naturally, the post was so strange that Secret Tel Aviv’s readers chose to ignore it and….. JUST KIDDING! They lost their minds! There were 80 comments before the Admins shut it down! A third of them were women (Yes. They were ALL Women) urging the owner to get Yoda’s junk “snipped”. A third of them were people trying to facilitate a cat hookup. And a third of them just stopped by to stare.
In order to get a more balanced view on this story, the Daily Freier reached out to Tel Aviv’s cat community for their opinion, which wasn’t really that difficult, because our Vaad Bayit leaves food for them outside our building and they are ALWAYS AROUND. Anyway, we spoke to a Calico named “Phoebe” who shared her opinions on this urgent topic. “So my girlfriends showed me the post because I’ve been single since June and I have to admit he was kinda cute….. but then I saw that he lives all the way out in Ramat Gan. So yeah… thanks but no thanks. I am NOT doing the Walk of Shame on the 66 Sherut.“
As frantic interns scurried from point to point in the newsroom grabbing messages from the old-time teletype machine and carrying coffee, the editorial staff gathered for a nervous meeting in the conference room. Yuval Weiss opened the meeting. “This is insane. It’s almost as if Jonny is testing us. Just to see how we react.” Guest Writer Lee Saunders was in a state of shock, almost bereft of his Droll English wit. “This is madness. A Secret Tel Aviv Sperm Bank??? Who knows what sort of wankers will show up.” Like we said, almost bereft.
Meanwhile, Dating and Relationships Columnist Emily Goldstein and Guest Writer Mia Deych were growing progressively angrier as they reviewed the list of guys who “liked” the original post for the Sperm Bank on Secret Tel Aviv. Mia explained. “At least 3 of these guys had at one time told one of us that they “weren’t looking for anything long-term.” So they couldn’t commit but now they’re just going to throw their DNA out there to random women in Tel Aviv? What the Hell? …. Also, me and Emily compared notes and one of the guys used the same line on both of us.”
While the bulk of the Daily Freier staff struggled with the New Normal, reporter Aaron Pomerantz walked down to Secret Tel Aviv to get all the facts.
Tel Aviv Haganah: Construction workers excavating Tel Aviv’s Light Rail Line made an amazing discovery yesterday: the earliest known recording of the Secret Tel Aviv website and Facebook page. “Secret Ur of the Chaldeans” which later morphed into “Secret Harran“, then “Secret Land of Canaan” and then “Secret Eretz Yisrael“, was a message board recorded in ancient Hebrew and later Aramaic on clay bricks in which the people of the day were able to ask perfect strangers how to solve their batshit crazy personal problems, how to evade Customs Fees when bringing items back from the Babylonian Exile, and how to identify an insect that they found in their granary. The Daily Freier went to the scene to smell the excitement.
Hebrew University Professor of Antiquities Nadav S. explained the importance of the finding to the Daily Freier. “What this discovery shows is really a snapshot of life before the Common Era.” Professor Nadav picked up a clay shard and began to read aloud.
“So if you’re like a King? And you see a really hot woman sunning herself on her roof, but she’s married? And her husband is an Achi but he’s not an ‘Achi Achi’. So you send her husband off to do Miluim, because hey, you’re the King, and he like dies? After that is it OK to hook up with her?…….Asking for a friend.”
Nadav continued. “What is fascinating is that the tablets show a continuous narrative of the self-absorbed going back over 3,000 years.” The Professor grabbed another shard at random and read it.
“Hi Secret Land of Canaan this is Sarah. I’m a new Olah. So my husband found this nice cave in Hebron, which is over the Green Line but whatever. Anyway, the landlord seems like a psycho. Let’s call him ‘Ephraim’. And I think he’s a Hittite. Can I say that? Is that racist? Anyway, he wants 12 post-dated checks plus someone from another tribe to co-sign for the cave. Is that normal?”
Nadav turned the shard over to reveal responses from passers-by. “What is fascinating is that random Israelites stopped what they were doing to provide advice to this woman seeking a cave. One person suggested that she go back to her original place of birth. Another person said “Welcome to the Land of Canaan” which appears to be the earliest recorded use of sarcasm. And another guy appeared to have sent her a ‘Private Parchment Message“.
Professor Nadav stressed that the problems faced by our ancestors on “Secret Harran” are very similar to the problems people write about today on Secret Tel Aviv:
“So I really connected with this girl but she’s like Super Super Mizrahi. I mean I had to get her family’s permission to go on a date with her. Anyway, when I went to the house to meet her Dad, somehow he tricked me into going into business with him. And then he fixes me up with his other daughter, but the thing is she….. has a really nice personality. So now the Dad says if I stay with his agricultural supply company for a couple more years then he will let me date the first daughter too. Anyway Secret Harran…… has anybody else been through this? Is this nuts? Am I in too deep?”
As the Daily Freier ended the interview, construction workers uncovered the first recorded instance of somebody getting banned from “Secret Land of Canaan“.
Tel Aviv, Basel: So you submitted a request to see a therapist last week online. And now you’ve stopped by the Maccabi Office, taken a number, and walked down the stairs into their sketchy as hell waiting room. You just need the Tofes 17 Form and then you can go see a therapist. This is really important. Being an Olah Hadashah is not easy. And then there’s the school thing. And your ex. And your mom. And you made more per hour working for McDonalds 10 years ago than you make working for Nefesh now.
So anyway, all you need is the approval form and you will be on your way! But wait. The lady denied your claim. Apparently Maccabi is cutting costs. She wants you to post your problems on Secret Tel Aviv “And they’ll take care of you”.
“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”
Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house. But he had to work the next morning. So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home. Some people have a walk of shame. I had a Car Pool of shame.”
Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry. So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”
Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big. And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”
In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”
Tel Aviv- The City’s literary community is in turmoil this evening as publishing giant “The Daily Freier” was forced to perform an embarrassing retraction of an article. The newspaper of record had prepared its daily edition with a humorous yet satirical story about a guy who seeks to sell “someone else’s” pornography collection on the popular website “Secret Tel Aviv”. Yet early this evening officials from the Israeli Bureau of Literary and Publishing Standards served a notice at the Daily Freier’s Central Tel Aviv office that the satirical story that it had just created was identical to a real life event: a guy trying to sell “someone else’s” pornography collection on the popular website “Secret Tel Aviv”.
Officials from the Bureau explained their strict enforcement of the law: “It is very important for the Israeli public that satire stay within the realm of satire and not enter the realm of real world events.” noted Investigator Yair C. “Just last Spring we shut down an operation that had written a satirical piece about a guy who ran a casino with hookers and drugs in the Balkans and then got himself elected to the Knesset.”
For their part, Daily Freier staff were humiliated by the spectacle. “You don’t know how much research goes into each article.” noted ‘Pulse of the City’ section editor Darren B. “This was an incredible oversight on our part. Our interns labor mightily on the Internets to ensure that a satirical event never actually occurred. That way we don’t write a satirical piece about a guy checking Secret Tel Aviv for a Rave Dance Party that offers babysitting. Really though, our biggest fear is that as the posts continue to get weirder and weirder, it is only a matter of time before Secret Tel Aviv becomes a self-aware entity.”
When asked if he had any closing remarks about the unfortunate events today, Darren asked “Say you wouldn’t know if the collection has been sold yet would you? ……Asking for a friend.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.