(Photo Credit: We took a picture from Wikimedia Commons and pasted the SVU Logo onto it)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 2/21/2018 at 8:30 PM
Shushan: For centuries, people have remembered where they were when Haman, one of Judaism’s super villains, was hanged. They have swung their rattles, expressed their rage and stuffed their faces. But for 2,300 years, one question has continued to pester us:
Haman. Did he act alone?….. Or, like he said when he was being led out of the Dallas Shushan Jail: was he just a patsy?
Now, light has been shed on that timeless mystery after the ganze megilla was published by the Israel Museum. We now know not only did the dark and brooding Haman NOT act alone, but he may NOT have demanded Mordechai’s execution at all. After the FBI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit hacked into the computers of Haman’s 10 sons, they discovered a browser history of Biblical porn and a picture of a sultry Esther parading on a horse. Oh and they also discovered some stuff that’s relevent to the case.
One PDF of a parchment scroll revealed that Haman, real name Hymie Gershowitz, had an insurance business which went under after his star salesman left to set up Mordechai & Sons. With Haman’s sons! After taking over two floors somewhere in Tel Aviv’s Azrieli Towers, Mordechai’s business grew and was listed on the New York Stock Exchange.
“It was the ultimate betrayal. My boys? He can have them. But would a phone call have killed him?” lamented Haman on his Blog. “Maybe a ‘Hey Hymie, I’m expanding, come for a bagel nosh, we’ll talk.’ But no. Bubkes. Zilch. Nada.”
OK people, just in cased you’ve been living under a rock for the past 18 months….. there’s going to be a little bit of locker room talk here. Got it? Good. Let’s get started.
Long time ago. In the land of Shushan. Wait a second…. Hey Jared, is that really the name of the place? That just sounds silly….. OK, so that’s really no kidding the name? Got it. Great name, Shushan. Great, Great name.
So anyway, there was this king. Ahashveros. Great King. Amazing King. Let me tell you, I have a lot of respect for Ahashveros. And he’s a strong King. Not like some other leaders I could mention…. So anyways, when you’re famous, let’s just say that the ladies find you. Ask Billy Bush what I’m talking about. Long story short is that Ahashveros had this hot chick. Named Vashti. Nice face. Killer body. But you know what? Just a nasty woman. A real nasty woman. One day the King is having a party at Ahashveros Tower. And he wants Vashti to show up. Just to show his buddies what a dime piece he landed. But get this…. Vashti refuses to show up. Can you believe the nerve? So Ahashveros? Great King. Just the best. You think he’s going to let Vashti get away with that? No way. So that night, the King goes up to Vashti and says “You’re fired“. And then I guess Vashti went on all the daytime talk shows in Shushan and complained about Ahashveros.
But now the King needs to find the next Mrs. Ahashveros. So he has a great idea…. he holds a Beauty Contest. Remind you of anybody in particular? So anyway, the King gets to check out all of the talent in the Kingdom. Love this guy. So they have an evening dress competition, the talent competition, and the speech on world peace or being nice to animals or trees or whatever. Then they have the swimsuit competition and he spots this one lady named Esther. Now this woman was a Perfect 10. Just smoking. And let’s just say she didn’t waste a lot of fabric making her swimsuit, you catch my drift?
So the King chooses Esther. Now let me ask you something. Did they have Tic-Tacs back then? Anyways, yada, yada, yada, she becomes the Queen. Great Queen. Amazing Queen. The best Queen. Just the Best. And you know what? Esther is Jewish.
So everything is going great for a while. And Esther has a cousin named Mordecai. Great guy. Great great guy. But there’s also this guy named Haman who works in the Government. Now Haman is a bad hombre. Bad Bad Hombre. And he does what he wants in Government without telling the King. I think he worked in the 9th Circuit Court of Shushan. Or maybe the Kingdom’s Environmental Protection Agency. Or the State Department. Wait a second. Did they have CNN back then? Cuz if they did, that’s where Haman was working.
So Mordecai finds out that Haman wants to kill the Jews. And he tells Esther. And this makes Esther sad. Very very sad. So Esther tells the King. And the King thinks, who the hell does this guy Haman think he is? So the King has Haman hanged. And Esther is really grateful to the King. I mean, really really grateful. You following me?
So the Jews win against Haman. So much winning. They were winning so much that finally Queen Esther said “King Ahashveros! Enough winning! Your people are bored with winning!” But the King said “No way! We will never be bored with winning!”
So then they all had a big party. A very big party. Bigger than Chanukah. Yuge. And loud. Very very loud. With those little noisemakers that my grandkids bring back from synagogue. And they all dressed up. The guys dressed up like Kings and astronauts and soldiers and cowboys. And the women dressed up like sexy devils, sexy Cleopatra, sexy Pocohantas, sexy cops, sexy Yasmin from Alladin, and my favorite, sexy nurses. I love Purim. Pass me one of those 3 pointed cookies.
On Saturday we will mark another anniversary of a sad and quite frankly unnecessary chapter in history: the Naqba tragedy that some Zionists refer to as “Purim”. The events occurred 2300 years ago in a place called Shushan, now ruled by a man I consider a friend, the Ayatollah Khameini. Shushan’s King Ahashveros was an essentially decent man, yet a man who sadly fell under the influence of a certain world-wide conspiracy led by a certain group of people from a certain part of the world. I will give you three guesses who I’m talking about, but the first two guesses don’t count.
The King had a loyal viceroy, a man named Haman. Now Haman was a bit of a boisterous chap, not unlike the noble yet sometimes over-enthusiastic Yassar Arafat. Haman had some rather radical ideas for promoting demographic harmony in the Kingdom. Yet as my old friend Idi Amin noted to me once, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
King Ahashveros’ problems began after he married his second wife, a woman named Esther. Happened to be Jewish. Esther, showing a capacity to manipulate governments that is all too familiar to those of us who pay attention to these things, quickly found an important post in the Kingdom for her Uncle Mordecai, a Far-Right Likudnik agitator. Mordecai blatantly refused to respect the proper authority of Haman. Haman, as an indigenous inhabitant of the land, was quite justifiably offended by the settler Mordecai’s violation of his honor. Haman quickly devised a solution to this problem. Indeed, his Solution was actually rather Final. Yet once again, an unnamed International Conspiracy usurped the sovereignty of a Middle Eastern Government. Pulling on the strings of power, Esther unduly influenced the King, and in an action in clear violation of International Law, Haman was martyred executed.
Just to add insult to injury, Zionists today celebrate this War Crime with a crass week-long party rife with costumes that are quite frankly guilty of sexism and cultural appropriation, coupled with behavior that under normal circumstances would trigger multiple ASBO’s. One can only hope that this year there is a more progressive J-Street commemoration of Purim.
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: WOW! That was some Purim party! The Yemenite Quarter was packed. And it was Off. The. Hook. And the trance music outside of Norman’s Bar was A-MA-ZING. And that girl you were talking to the whole night seemed really chill and down to earth. And her costume was SO AUTHENTIC! Get this…. she dressed as a Hare Krishna! And you know how some people do a half-assed job for Purim? Like wearing just a mask? Or a rainbow wig? Or wearing cat’s ears with a leotard and using a pen to add whiskers (OK, that’s actually kinda cool!) Well not her. She had it all! The flowing patchwork skirt. The peasant blouse. The sandals. Jangly bracelets. And a tambourine! She had a tambourine! How awesome was that??? And the conversation you had with her. It just flowed. Just talking about how the street music was merging with the Universe at the same time that it was emanating from the Universe! And you both like sitar music!
And she stayed in character the WHOLE. TIME! When you told her how cool her costume was, she kinda just stared at you for a second and then continued with the conversation. She kept asking if you were truly conscious. That’s so crazy man!
Wait…. you got her number? Dude! And you’re going out again today? Winning! Oh wait, you’re hanging out with her friends too? OK that’s cool. They want to see what you’re all about? Probably just looking out for her. Wait, you’re packing an overnight bag? You’re spending the weekend with her in the Galil? Well yeah…. her and her friends. Wait….. what’s a “retreat”?
Hey! A van is parked outside and it’s honking its horn. Wait! Where are you going?
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.