Tag: So much winning

The Donald, U.S. Embassy in Israel

Old Tel Aviv Embassy now the Trump University School of Diplomacy!

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Josh Warhit

Last Updated 10/28/2020 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon Street: A 1989 agreement that foresaw a US Embassy move to Jerusalem stipulated that Israel would take custody of the old Tel Aviv location free of charge.  Yet according to published reports, the United States has backtracked, and will not hand over the prime beachfront property on HaYarkon Street.

Political commentators surmised that the United States might sell the property to the highest bidder. But sources from within the Trump Administration have revealed that Israel will in fact be granted the property on condition that it becomes the physical campus for the Trump University Graduate School of Diplomacy. President Trump explained his rationale:

“This school, my school, rectifies a total real estate disaster initiated by the Bush Administration in 1989. Just like I got us out of his son’s mess in Iraq, I’m ensuring the United States makes the most of this key property holding.”

In the past two months, the Trump Administration has touted its key role in Israeli normalization deals with the United Arab Emirates, the Kingdom of Bahrain, and Sudan, and has suggested that numerous other Arab nations are purportedly interested in peace with the Jewish state.

“I don’t need the credit for peace, because they’ll never give it to me, even though I definitely deserve it. The **TRUMP** School of Diplomacy will be a huge step in the quest for future peace, and no less importantly, will let the world know who is responsible for it, even though it doesn’t matter.”

The graduate school will offer a Masters’ degree with optional focuses in Deal Making, Negotiating, and Winning. It will be the first institution to offer an M.A.d. (Master of Arts… of the Deal).

The **TRUMP** School of Diplomacy will be the President’s second academic center in Israel. Trump Yeshiva, the Judaic Studies Department at Trump University, is currently headquartered in one of the many haunted corridors of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station. Upon opening of the Trump School of Diplomacy, Trump Yeshiva plans to move to the Embassy complex, in the annex right next to where they’re going to be selling Trump Steaks.

The Donald, U.S. Embassy in Israel

In honor of Embassy move, Israeli town of Hofit renames itself “Covfefe”

(Photo Credit: Wikipedia)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/27/2017 at 8:00 PM

Hofif Covfefe: The town elders of this hamlet in Central Israel are very excited after Donald Trump’s recent decision to move the American Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. And now they want to do something to show just how much gratitude they have for the Donald. Therefore, as of 1 January 2018, the town of Hofit will heretofore be referred to as “Covfefe“. The Daily Freier set out to visit Hofit, so we took the train to Netanya in hopes of taking a bus from there. But since we don’t speak French, we couldn’t understand what anyone was saying and we missed the bus to Hofit and had to hitchhike. But we eventually got there and interviewed “the man (and woman!) on the street”.

“We just wanted to show President Trump how much we appreciated his courage.” explained City Manager Yoni C. “And what better way to honor Mr. Trump than to name our little town after that word he accidentally invented on Twitter last Spring.”

While Yoni was optimistic about the change, some residents had their reservations. Local Rabbi Avi T. explained. “First of all, nobody knows what Covfefe actually is. So we don’t actually know if there is a special Bracha that might be necessary. Secondly, we still aren’t positive how it’s spelled in Hebrew. With a Kuf or a Kaf? This might sound silly, but there are serious Gematric implications for this.”

As the Daily Freier got ready to leave, the guys from Egged were already changing the name on the Bus Stop.

 

Purim, The Donald

“Mr. Trump, please tell us the story of Purim!”

Trump Purim(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

OK people, just in cased you’ve been living under a rock for the past 18 months….. there’s going to be a little bit of locker room talk here. Got it? Good. Let’s get started.

Long time ago. In the land of Shushan. Wait a second…. Hey Jared, is that really the name of the place? That just sounds silly….. OK, so that’s really no kidding the name? Got it. Great name, Shushan. Great, Great name.

So anyway, there was this king. Ahashveros. Great King. Amazing King. Let me tell you, I have a lot of respect for Ahashveros. And he’s a strong King. Not like some other leaders I could mention…. So anyways, when you’re famous, let’s just say that the ladies find you. Ask Billy Bush what I’m talking about. Long story short is that Ahashveros had this hot chick. Named Vashti. Nice face. Killer body. But you know what? Just a nasty woman. A real nasty woman. One day the King is having a party at Ahashveros Tower.  And he wants Vashti to show up. Just to show his buddies what a dime piece he landed. But get this…. Vashti refuses to show up. Can you believe the nerve? So Ahashveros? Great King. Just the best. You think he’s going to let Vashti get away with that? No way. So that night, the King goes up to Vashti and says “You’re fired“. And then I guess Vashti went on all the daytime talk shows in Shushan and complained about Ahashveros.

But now the King needs to find the next Mrs. Ahashveros. So he has a great idea…. he holds a Beauty Contest. Remind you of anybody in particular? So anyway, the King gets to check out all of the talent in the Kingdom. Love this guy. So they have an evening dress competition, the talent competition, and the speech on world peace or being nice to animals or trees or whatever. Then they have the swimsuit competition and he spots this one lady named Esther. Now this woman was a Perfect 10. Just smoking. And let’s just say she didn’t waste a lot of fabric making her swimsuit, you catch my drift?

So the King chooses Esther. Now let me ask you something. Did they have Tic-Tacs back then? Anyways, yada, yada, yada, she becomes the Queen. Great Queen. Amazing Queen. The best Queen. Just the Best.  And you know what? Esther is Jewish.

So everything is going great for a while. And Esther has a cousin named Mordecai. Great guy. Great great guy. But there’s also this guy named Haman who works in the Government. Now Haman is a bad hombre. Bad Bad Hombre. And he does what he wants in Government without telling the King. I think he worked in the 9th Circuit Court of Shushan. Or maybe the Kingdom’s Environmental Protection Agency. Or the State Department. Wait a second. Did they have CNN back then? Cuz if they did, that’s where Haman was working.

So Mordecai finds out that Haman wants to kill the Jews. And he tells Esther. And this makes Esther sad. Very very sad. So Esther tells the King. And the King thinks, who the hell does this guy Haman think he is? So the King has Haman hanged. And Esther is really grateful to the King. I mean, really really grateful. You following me?

So the Jews win against Haman. So much winning. They were winning so much that finally Queen Esther said “King Ahashveros! Enough winning! Your people are bored with winning!” But the King said “No way! We will never be bored with winning!”

So then they all had a big party. A very big party. Bigger than Chanukah. Yuge. And loud. Very very loud. With those little noisemakers that my grandkids bring back from synagogue. And they all dressed up. The guys dressed up like Kings and astronauts and soldiers and cowboys. And the women dressed up like sexy devils, sexy Cleopatra, sexy Pocohantas, sexy cops, sexy Yasmin from Alladin, and my favorite, sexy nurses. I love Purim. Pass me one of those 3 pointed cookies.