Tel Aviv: Police are looking into the strange appearance of a drunken man in downtown Tel Aviv claiming to be the prophet Elijah. With just three weeks to go to Passover, detectives are puzzled by the man apparently called Eliyahu, who seems to be off his head on Kedem wine.
“He was screaming that his father was Avi Koman and that he was the real deal but we have seen it all here.” pointed out Police Superintendent Nadav B. “One year, some guy was arrested inside a giant chocolate egg claiming to be Roger Rabbit. There is a lot of wine flowing this time of year and we have just finished Purim. It could be part of a long, lingering national hangover.”
What remains a mystery is that he was spotted going door to door near Rothschild Boulevard by Jehovah’s Witnesses (who initially thought he was one of their own) wearing only a white sheet from the Sheraton Hotel and hiking sandals. While the Jehovah’s Witnesses were busy pestering people spreading the good word outside the AM/PM Market, ‘Elijah’ was seen stumbling around front gardens, knocking stray cats off trash cans and pressed up against kitchen windows asking for extra eggs in salt water.
One neighbour on Sheinkin Street said: “It’s usually very gentrified around here. Occasionally you’d get a protest about the cost of soya milk, but there aren’t often disturbances. But this guy was screaming, ‘I’ll give you a plague of frogs, let me in, I’m Elijah! I’ve got locusts, crabs, everything.‘ Weird.”
After he started squeezing tomato ketchup packets onto doorposts, horrified locals called the police. Briefly questioned, he was then admitted to the rehabilitation ward at Ichilov hospital pending DNA tests. He is currently sharing a padded room next to a middle age man claiming to be a reincarnated Queen Esther, a pair of twins alleging they survived on Noah’s Ark, and a disciple threatening to spill the beans on the real Mary Magdalene.
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: WOW! That was some Purim party! The Yemenite Quarter was packed. And it was Off. The. Hook. And the trance music outside of Norman’s Bar was A-MA-ZING. And that girl you were talking to the whole night seemed really chill and down to earth. And her costume was SO AUTHENTIC! Get this…. she dressed as a Hare Krishna! And you know how some people do a half-assed job for Purim? Like wearing just a mask? Or a rainbow wig? Or wearing cat’s ears with a leotard and using a pen to add whiskers (OK, that’s actually kinda cool!) Well not her. She had it all! The flowing patchwork skirt. The peasant blouse. The sandals. Jangly bracelets. And a tambourine! She had a tambourine! How awesome was that??? And the conversation you had with her. It just flowed. Just talking about how the street music was merging with the Universe at the same time that it was emanating from the Universe! And you both like sitar music!
And she stayed in character the WHOLE. TIME! When you told her how cool her costume was, she kinda just stared at you for a second and then continued with the conversation. She kept asking if you were truly conscious. That’s so crazy man!
Wait…. you got her number? Dude! And you’re going out again today? Winning! Oh wait, you’re hanging out with her friends too? OK that’s cool. They want to see what you’re all about? Probably just looking out for her. Wait, you’re packing an overnight bag? You’re spending the weekend with her in the Galil? Well yeah…. her and her friends. Wait….. what’s a “retreat”?
Hey! A van is parked outside and it’s honking its horn. Wait! Where are you going?
Sometimes I feel that after 7 years of my reign as King of Shushan, I am still cleaning up a big mess. A mess that’s not my fault. I inherited the worst economy in the history of Persia. Wars with the Babylonians and the Chaldeans. And the climate was changing from burning too much cow dung. So it would be a mistake to hold me responsible for the current situation. Context, people.
And now folks are complaining about Haman. Saying he wants to kill the Jews. But Haman was in fact appointed by the previous Administration’s King. Not naming any names, but he goes by “W the Younger”. So a lot of folks are getting upset about Haman. And to be truthful, for outsiders like Mordecai to pop off with their opinions. Without the facts….. well it just isn’t helpful. And it makes my job as King more difficult.
Now back to Haman….
If Haman is not careful; and if he continues to act in this manner; then he should not be surprised if we choose to take drastic measures. Such as making thousands of Cuneiform “Hashtags” on clay tablets that say “#NoToHaman”….. So he needs to watch himself. And I tell Haman not to call my bluff.
But back to the problem at hand….
So Queen Esther and Mordecai, they’re quite religious. And sometimes, when folks have been left behind by the Iron Age, they cling bitterly to their slingshots and their religion. And to be truthful, Mordecai simply does not have the unique background and education to truly appreciate the situation. Like I do.
Now some folks want me to step in and stop what they call a potential “genocide” in Shushan. Because they say Haman wants to kill the Jews. But it is not that simple. I’ve spoken to Mordecai. And quite frankly, he is often wrong. Now Mordecai seems to think that Haman does not have…..legitimate grievances. And to be frank, Haman can be a real hothead. Truthfully, both of them disappoint me. There’s plenty of blame to go around. Everyone’s a little wrong. Except me of course. But it’s my job. As the leader. To rise above. These petty grievances. And try to find. A consensus.
Now Let me be perfectly clear. The statements made by Haman, they constitute a red line. And if it was up to me, you can rest assured that there would be severe repercussions for his actions. But unfortunately, here in Shushan, as your King I am not in a position to simply do these things. First we must consult with the council of provincial chieftains. And quite frankly, the council has been quite obstructionist. Now some may say that they’re acting this way out of personal dislike for me. And some of the folks in the Casbah who perform right-wing poetry and folklore, well they’re not too helpful. Like Rushambian Limbaughvus. Guys like him.
Anyways, where was I? Oh Yes, Haman. Haman needs to know that he’s on the wrong side of history. Aaaand he needs to get with the program. I mean, we’re here in Shushan and it’s already like the 3rd Century Before The Common Era. Get with the program.
Now Haman’s supposed plan. To kill the Jews. Looks serious. So I have dispatched. My grand vizier. Johnius Kerryezer. To look into it. And he’s working. With our regional allies. And within the framework of the world. As we currently know it.
So Mordecai says that Haman is constructing gallows. So these gallows, they don’t yet exist. Now Mordecai thinks they’ll be ready next month. But he doesn’t see the intelligence that I see. I have the best wizards and magicians in Persia. So for him to pop off like that, frankly, it’s chickenshit unprofessional. Anyhow, I’ve talked to Haman, and he says that the gallows are for scientific research. And if we want to truly build relationships and end the old quarrels, quite frankly we need to take Haman at his word. And find a consensus. So I have some great news.
Minister Johnius Kerryezer has struck a deal with Haman. Haman will refrain from building the gallows for around 10 years. Or at least to the end of my reign one moon after the next Winter Solstice. Which is a really long time. But hopefully a few years. I will have completed my third papyrus scroll by then. And I will be in my second career of performing oratory lectures throughout the land. But back to the deal….
In exchange for Haman’s promise, the treasury will release to him 50 thousand ingots of gold. Prince Josephus Bidenopolos is on his way as we speak to deliver the news to Mordecai. So people of Shushan, I’ve solved your problems again. You’re welcome.
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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.
By Lee Saunders
