Tag: Billy Bush

The spiritual journey of Selichot, by Donald J. Trump

Daily Freier Selichot Donald TrumpSelichot. What an amazing time of year. Just amazing. Praying for forgiveness from transgressions. So much transgressions. You guys had so much transgressions that you actually got bored of transgressions! You said “Please! No more transgressions! We’re tired of transgressions!” Anyways, like I said, just some amazing, amazing prayers. The best prayers. Just the best. Incredible prayers. And the Kavana. Just incredible Kavana. Believe me, no complaints about the Kavana.

But what exactly did all these people do that they need all this Selichot? Great question. Great, great question. So let’s start with the people who transgressed against me. Because, believe me, nobody has been transgressed against more than I have. Let’s go down the list.

Billy Bush. He should ask Selichot just for being a dumbass and not destroying the Access Hollywood tapes. I mean, why keep a record of this Locker Room talk? Know what I mean? Then again, he’s out of a job now and I’m not. So no harm no foul. Come to think of it, he’s the second Bush who was out of a job in 2016 because of me. Funny how that happens.

Paul Ryan. Oh boy. This guy needs some serious Selichot. No loyalty. Sad. Very, Very Sad. Who knows, maybe he can ask his buddy Mitt Romney for some Selichot or something. Next.

Dennis Rodman’s pal. What his name. Kim Jong Whatever. Rocket Man. I don’t know, maybe he could ask for Selichot with a side of kimchi. Next.

William Kristol. I hear that he asked for Selichot in the Weekly Standard, but because nobody reads that site anymore, it didn’t count. Next.

Hillary. What can I say? I mean, can you ask Selichot for being a loser? I hear she also blamed Selichot for blowing the election in that book she wrote. Next.

Comey. Yeah. Comey, Comey, Comey. Maybe he can ask his detectives if they found any Selichot when they wiretapped Trump Tower. Because up until now, all they’ve discovered is covfefe

Anthony Weiner. Wow. You know I had that guy’s number from Day One, right? Just a sick, sick guy. How he pulled a dime piece like Huma is beyond me. So maybe we can buy him some Selichot from the prison commissary. But you know what? Gotta admit. I owe that guy. And his Internet history. On Huma’s laptop. That they found in October. The week before the election. So you know what Anthony? Me and you are cool.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that a lot of you need Selichot. So stop by Trump Yeshiva for some help with your Selichot, maybe a drosh. If you stop by during the month of September, we will even throw in a case of Trump Steaks. Chag Sameah Bitches.

 

 

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“Mr. Trump, please tell us the story of Purim!”

Trump Purim(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

OK people, just in cased you’ve been living under a rock for the past 18 months….. there’s going to be a little bit of locker room talk here. Got it? Good. Let’s get started.

Long time ago. In the land of Shushan. Wait a second…. Hey Jared, is that really the name of the place? That just sounds silly….. OK, so that’s really no kidding the name? Got it. Great name, Shushan. Great, Great name.

So anyway, there was this king. Ahashveros. Great King. Amazing King. Let me tell you, I have a lot of respect for Ahashveros. And he’s a strong King. Not like some other leaders I could mention…. So anyways, when you’re famous, let’s just say that the ladies find you. Ask Billy Bush what I’m talking about. Long story short is that Ahashveros had this hot chick. Named Vashti. Nice face. Killer body. But you know what? Just a nasty woman. A real nasty woman. One day the King is having a party at Ahashveros Tower.  And he wants Vashti to show up. Just to show his buddies what a dime piece he landed. But get this…. Vashti refuses to show up. Can you believe the nerve? So Ahashveros? Great King. Just the best. You think he’s going to let Vashti get away with that? No way. So that night, the King goes up to Vashti and says “You’re fired“. And then I guess Vashti went on all the daytime talk shows in Shushan and complained about Ahashveros.

But now the King needs to find the next Mrs. Ahashveros. So he has a great idea…. he holds a Beauty Contest. Remind you of anybody in particular? So anyway, the King gets to check out all of the talent in the Kingdom. Love this guy. So they have an evening dress competition, the talent competition, and the speech on world peace or being nice to animals or trees or whatever. Then they have the swimsuit competition and he spots this one lady named Esther. Now this woman was a Perfect 10. Just smoking. And let’s just say she didn’t waste a lot of fabric making her swimsuit, you catch my drift?

So the King chooses Esther. Now let me ask you something. Did they have Tic-Tacs back then? Anyways, yada, yada, yada, she becomes the Queen. Great Queen. Amazing Queen. The best Queen. Just the Best.  And you know what? Esther is Jewish.

So everything is going great for a while. And Esther has a cousin named Mordecai. Great guy. Great great guy. But there’s also this guy named Haman who works in the Government. Now Haman is a bad hombre. Bad Bad Hombre. And he does what he wants in Government without telling the King. I think he worked in the 9th Circuit Court of Shushan. Or maybe the Kingdom’s Environmental Protection Agency. Or the State Department. Wait a second. Did they have CNN back then? Cuz if they did, that’s where Haman was working.

So Mordecai finds out that Haman wants to kill the Jews. And he tells Esther. And this makes Esther sad. Very very sad. So Esther tells the King. And the King thinks, who the hell does this guy Haman think he is? So the King has Haman hanged. And Esther is really grateful to the King. I mean, really really grateful. You following me?

So the Jews win against Haman. So much winning. They were winning so much that finally Queen Esther said “King Ahashveros! Enough winning! Your people are bored with winning!” But the King said “No way! We will never be bored with winning!

So then they all had a big party. A very big party. Bigger than Chanukah. Yuge. And loud. Very very loud. With those little noisemakers that my grandkids bring back from synagogue. And they all dressed up. The guys dressed up like Kings and astronauts and soldiers and cowboys. And the women dressed up like sexy devils, sexy Cleopatra, sexy Pocohantas, sexy cops, sexy Yasmin from Alladin, and my favorite, sexy nurses. I love Purim. Pass me one of those 3 pointed cookies.