Miami: A local synagogue remains in a state of confusion after last night’s Megillah reading by local author and pundit Ben Shapiro. The Megillah reading, which recounts the story of Purim, normally lasts around 25 minutes. Yet thanks to Mr. Shapiro’s famous rapid-fire staccato delivery, last night’s reading ended in slightly over 4 minutes. The Daily Freier was on the scene to speak with dazed congregants as they tried to make sense of what just happened.
“I love Ben’s podcast and I’m really happy that he moved here.” explained a man named Josh dressed as an astronaut. “But somewhere around Vashti I just got lost…. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure that he also slipped in an advertisement for Express VPN halfway through.“
“What just happened?” asked Itzik as he took a shot of Arak. “Was that Yiddish? I’m Israeli but I’m just as lost as you are.“
Yet some of the attendees were quite happy with Mr. Shapiro’s speed-reading. “On Purim, it is an obligation to become intoxicated until one does not know the difference between Haman and Mordecai.” explained Naomi, who was dressed as a cat. “I’m pregnant and can’t drink, so this was great. Ben provided me an opportunity to be just as bewildered as the drunk people.”
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Shapiro for comment, but he replied that he did not feel the need to disprove a counterfactual.
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: It’s party time in Tel Aviv! That’s right, Purim starts tonight and your rooftop party is going to be Off. The. Hook. You got the food, the drink, the ice, the music. Nothing can ruin what will no doubt be a night to remember!
Except for this one thing… You’ve been texting with your girlfriends all day and it seems that each and every one of them has come up with an amazingly unique idea for a costume: Frida Kahlo! This could be worse than Prom Night.
Let us explain: Every woman in Tel Aviv has at one time dressed up as Frida Kahlo or thought about dressing up as Frida Kahlo. There are no exceptions. Also, every single bar in Tel Aviv south of Allenby Street has at least one picture of Frida Kahlo on the wall. Again, no exceptions. This is Science.
You can’t really blame them because the Frida Kahlo costume has a lot going for it. First of all, it’s not difficult to procure. Simply get a nice vintage dress. Put your hair up. Some women might need to draw exaggerated eyebrows unless they’re Persian. Go to the Shuk and get some random flowers or fruits and just put them in your hair. And there you are, Frida Kahlo!
Plus, there is just something exciting about dressing up as an artist who was portrayed by Salma Hayek, had lots of Jewish friends, and may or may not have shtupped Trotsky. This costume is truly an all-around winner. Except now you are stuck with a slow-motion disaster movie that will be filmed on your roof. Knowing glances, dramatic exits, crying drunk texts. This could get bad.
You call your best friend for advice, but she’s busy waiting for her Mishloach Manot package from Telegrass. Hey, maybe some of your guy friends can help you out with this! Wait, never mind. Every single guy you know is busy procuring a tan blazer, black turtleneck, stubble, and black tortoise shell glasses in order to become the Tinder Swindler for Purim. You keep telling yourself that they’re doing this ironically.
Greetings everybody! I’m Paul O’Brien, He/Him, and today I’m here to explain Purim to the Jews! Because to be frank, you don’t seem to be “getting it” lately. Yet I believe in my gut that what the Jewish people really want is to be educated by a Woke NGO that knows what’s best for them. So please allow me to teach you about your holiday from a perspective of Solidarity and Global Justice. Ready? Here we go!
Long ago there was a land called “Shushan” in what today is Iran. Frankly, I’m not an expert on Iran as we mostly focus on countries with poor human rights records. Anyway, there lived a King named Ahashveros who was looking for a wife. He chose a woman named Esther who was apparently quite attractive but unbeknownst to the King, was a Zio Jewish. Esther had an Uncle named Mordecai who was quite an effective Lobbyist for Jewish Interests in the Kingdom
Sadly, the King didn’t notice these activities. Yet one of his Deputies was a keen-eyed observer named Haman. As time went on, Haman saw the growing power imbalance between the Jewish subjects and the Indigenous population of Shushan. In addition, Haman’s personal interactions with Mordecai left him feeling Marginalized and Othered. Deciding to Speak Truth to Power, Haman devised a series of responses to this Structural Injustice. Some of Haman’s proposed solutions seemed rather rash. But it’s not me to judge. Amnesty takes no political views on any question, including the right of the State of Israel to survive. (NON-SATIRE TIME-OUT: He. Really. Said. This.)
Mordecai learned of Haman’s Roadmap for Restorative Justice and notified his niece Esther, who then broke with agreed-upon norms and went directly to the King with her grievances. Feeling the full weight of Queen Esther’s Hasbara, King Ahashveros relented and in a clear-cut case of State-sanctioned cruelty, put Haman to death.
…. Can I take a break for a second and point something out? Why doesn’t the Megillah mention Palestine or the Palestinians? This feels like another manifestation of a Eurocentric World Order. OK, rant over! Back to the story….
Naturally, the Jewish community of Shushan celebrated the death of Haman. Today this holiday manifests itself as a week of debauchery with costumes that sadly reflect the rather sexist trope that women sometimes want to dress up and look hot in public. In addition, the holiday is rife with high-cholesterol fried foods and excessive alcohol consumption. Thanks but no thanks.
Tune in next month when Amnesty International takes a look at Pharaoh’s response to a Jewish Land-Grab in the Nile Delta!
So this Israeli woman wandered into Syria a while back and Israel apparently traded her freedom for Bamba, some rolling papers, and a matkot paddle the release of two Security prisoners and a large shipment of Russian Corona vaccines. It appears the woman has some issues, so this is a bit sad. But we paid a big price, she probably won’t be punished, and apparently she couldn’t care less. So here goes, the Daily Freier is going to satirize the situation with her Top Ten Excuses:
Since 2014, the Daily Freier has scratched your collected itches for weird stuff. Sometimes we even write our stories based on tips from you, our alert readership! But what if a story is just “Too weird for the Daily Freier“? Well, it happens. Here are ten stories that we simply had to reject. Enjoy wondering what might have been.
1. The men who play pétanque on Rothschild Boulevard: without their clothes on!
2. Latest Nefesh B’Nefesh program helps you get banned from Secret Tel Aviv…. BEFORE you make Aliyah!
3. Holmes Gym just opened membership to straight guys too!
4. Afula: Is it the new Neve Tzedek?
5. Bombshell: Two people who work in Israel Advocacy rumored to get along with one another.
6. Win a chance to be named Jerusalem’s Next Top Hot Chani!
7. Maccabi Health offers free personal development classes to anyone in a Purim “couples costume”.
8. Strange But True: The weirdos who enjoy Tel Aviv AND Jerusalem!
9. Sarah Tuttle-Singer takes 3 bong hits and explains the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict.
10. “Have I Peed Here Yet?” An interactive street map for Tel Aviv men.
Chicago, West Rogers Park: The Torah-observant world has been rocked this week by the disturbing news of Messianic Christians infiltrating their community. As reported in Yeshiva World News, “David and Rivkah Castello moved to West Rogers Park in Chicago a few months ago, and they dress, act, and behave like Frum Jews, and daven in local Shuls. Rivkah works as a babysitter for young children in the neighborhood.” David even had his hair in long peyot. Yet despite David and Rivkah’s intense efforts to blend in, alert members of the Community began to detect their deception after the couple vaccinated their kids began to exhibit suspicious behavior like showing up on time to community events. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.
The Daily Freier then spoke with Yankel, who sits next to David in Mincha sometimes. “He kept bragging about his wife’s gefilte fish, which is really weird. But when he said that he was looking forward to Pesach ‘because of all the yummy matzoh‘, I alerted my Rosh Yeshiva. I mean, I also told him that David didn’t know how to unfold a plastic tablecloth.”
Yet if it were not for the keen perception of the Community’s women, David and Rivkah’s deception might have gone undiscovered. “I really liked Rivkah and loved her cooking.” explained neighbor Sarah Shterna. “But when she told me that the soup she served on Shabbat had been in her freezer less than 5 months? Well, something just didn’t feel right. Also, she didn’t start her Pesach cleaning until early March.”
As we spoke to Sarah Shterna, another neighbor heard our conversation and joined in to share her story. “I started to feel uneasy around Purim when we got their mishloach manot and it didn’t have a “theme” or a poem attached.” noted Devorah Leah. “But then Rivkah showed up to my son’s Bris at 10…. after I told her that it started at 10.”
The Daily Freier asked Devorah Leah about David and Rivkah’s future in the Community. “I’m not sure. The deception really hurt our feelings.” Deborah Leah thought for a moment and continued. “But if they ever try to do this the right way, their level of effort trying to act and look more Jewish than the Jews means they have the potential to be even more annoying than most converts.”
So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, our much beloved President/National Grandfather Reuven Rivlin is lending his voice to the Israeli driving app Waze! How amazing is that? But did you know that President Rivlin was not their first choice? Waze tested several other Israeli public figures, yet for various reasons, it just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier was able to steal acquire the transcripts of the celebrities rejected for this honor. And this week we will review them all: Your Nefesh B’ Nefesh Aliyah Counselor, The Netanyahus (Bibi, Sara, and Yair!), the Editorial Board of Haaretz, Aryeh Deri, and the Israeli guy you just matched with on Tindr who currently wants to bang you and/or invite you to his Cousin’s wedding next week in Hadera. But today? Today we present you the rejected Waze narration from Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer! So without further ado, here are the transcripts!
(Time 11:00, Jerusalem, Davidka Square)
Oh hey! So you need to drive to Ben Gurion for a 3 PM flight? No problem, I know this city like the back of my hand, I even wrote a book about it! So let’s take this Amazing secret passage through Machane Yehuda! You see, last Purim I kissed a Haredi Woman there. No really! We were both wearing masks, but we all wear different masks every day of our lives, right? I mean when you think about…..wait a second, turn left here…..So anyway, we kissed and it was incredible….. Careful, the light’s about to turn red….But anyways, it was Purim, so, I mean like YOLO, right?
(Time: 11:57, Jaffa Street)
You may want to turn left here, they’ve been doing construction on this road for months and making like ZERO progress but when I asked the foreman what the holdup was, we sat down over a cup of sahlab and got in a long talk about his Army service and why he always plays Scrabble on Simchat Torah and…..wait a second, where was I? OMG the kiss? Can I tell you about the kiss? So as we finally broke our embrace, I swept away the bangs of her sheitl and we were both just so present in the moment. And as we parted our separate ways into the Jerusalem darkness, I could hear her voice echo off the ancient cobblestones: “Sei Gezunt!”……OK, let’s head toward the Damascus Gate. No, don’t worry it’s totally chill. And sorry but I’m going to have to insist that you stop at my friend Mustafa’s cafe for the BEST Arabic coffee in the city. Don’t worry, we have time. I mean, the cardamom? Can I tell you about the cardamo….. Take your second right in the roundabout….I could write an entire short story on how the taste of the cardamom lingers on the tongue and takes you back to the 15th Century and long ago villages and Winter rain and first love and…..
(Time: 12:49, somewhere near the Siloam Pools)
OK I think we’re lost right now. Wait, I can fix this. Can you drive until you see a furniture shop with this tall guy standing outside with the most incredible green eyes so even when I knew he was kinda overcharging me to re-upholster my couch, I didn’t care because I mean, easy on the eyes? (Get it? Get it?)
(Time: 13:26, The American Colony)
OMG OMG OMG stop the car! That’s Sarit, and she makes the most INCREDIBLE jewelry out of Goldstar bottle caps, dental floss, 10 Agurot coins, and tree sap! Can you run in and give her a hug for me and tell her that I’m sorry I missed her son’s Bris but that we totally need to catch up over drinks at Crave? It will only take a minute.
(Time: 14:08, Ammunition Hill)
OK, it looks like you might not make your flight, but I mean, isn’t life really about the journey?
Tel Aviv, The Old North: Oh Hi! Haven’t seen you since the big Purim Party in Kikar HaMedina last Friday! Wasn’t that great? And your costume? All 5 Village People? A-MA-ZING!
And…..Wow….. you’re still in costume it seems. What is it Wednesday now? That makes a week I guess. Which raises a few questions we’ve been pondering.
Do you wear it to bed?
Has anything been through the wash yet?
Just when were you planning on coming back from the Land of Make Believe to life here on Planet Real World?
Because we’ve all started to “Move On”. Even your niece, who had a tantrum and insisted on staying a princess when she went to Gan on Sunday…. she has already calmed down and transitioned back to good old reality.
So now it’s just you. Do you have a TimeTable? Maybe we can do this in steps. Like maybe you can take off the cowboy hat today. And the beads tomorrow. And on Friday you can wear a real shirt. How does that sound?
Of course, it’s Tel Aviv. So you can probably stretch this out to the week before Passover.
(Photo Credit: We took a picture from Wikimedia Commons and pasted the SVU Logo onto it)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 2/21/2018 at 8:30 PM
Shushan: For centuries, people have remembered where they were when Haman, one of Judaism’s super villains, was hanged. They have swung their rattles, expressed their rage and stuffed their faces. But for 2,300 years, one question has continued to pester us:
Haman. Did he act alone?….. Or, like he said when he was being led out of the Dallas Shushan Jail: was he just a patsy?
Now, light has been shed on that timeless mystery after the ganze megilla was published by the Israel Museum. We now know not only did the dark and brooding Haman NOT act alone, but he may NOT have demanded Mordechai’s execution at all. After the FBI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit hacked into the computers of Haman’s 10 sons, they discovered a browser history of Biblical porn and a picture of a sultry Esther parading on a horse. Oh and they also discovered some stuff that’s relevent to the case.
One PDF of a parchment scroll revealed that Haman, real name Hymie Gershowitz, had an insurance business which went under after his star salesman left to set up Mordechai & Sons. With Haman’s sons! After taking over two floors somewhere in Tel Aviv’s Azrieli Towers, Mordechai’s business grew and was listed on the New York Stock Exchange.
“It was the ultimate betrayal. My boys? He can have them. But would a phone call have killed him?” lamented Haman on his Blog. “Maybe a ‘Hey Hymie, I’m expanding, come for a bagel nosh, we’ll talk.’ But no. Bubkes. Zilch. Nada.”
Jerusalem: Israel’s women received some very unfortunate and disconcerting news today. In a controversial ruling, the Knesset mandated that starting this year, drawing eight whiskers on your face with a magic marker will not constitute a real Purim costume. President Rivlin further explained the new law and its far-reaching ramifications.
“Today Israel is making a statement. Ladies, you can’t just draw some lines on your cheeks, draw a cute triangle on your nose, and call it a Purim costume. Not even if you’re kinda hot. Not even if you wear a fake cat ears headband. Not even if you wear a black bodysuit.” The President consulted with several lawmakers for a moment and then corrected himself. “OK, OK, maybe if you wear a black bodysuit.”
Needless to say, reaction to the ruling among Israel’s women was swift.
“So that’s it, huh?” fumed Arielle C. “How about the guys I hang out with who have worn the same costume for 3 years. Plus Halloween. ‘Because it’s cool.‘ Lame. Oh and thanks for passing this on World Womens’ Day.”
“Well that’s just great.” groused the Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein. “I don’t suppose the Knesset is going to pass a law against guys who think sunglasses and a silly hat equal a costume.”
While conducting street interviews near Dizengoff Center, the Daily Freier stopped to compliment several women for their outlandish Purim costumes, only to awkwardly change the subject when we found out that they weren’t dressed for Purim but were just from Tel Aviv.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.