Tag: Ismail Haniyeh

Ismail Haniyeh: A Eulogy by Jeremy Corbyn

On Wednesday I awoke to the horrible news that the man I had once invited for Tea at the House of Commons was now dead, another victim of Zionist Aggression. My dear friend Ismail Haniyeh was killed in Tehran, and I am Literally Shattered. (Side Note: Whomever sent me the so called “meme” of Mr. Haniyeh being hit by a “Love missile going straight to the heart” like some middling 1980’s power ballad, let me reiterate: That Is Not Funny.)  When the pundits offered temporary “Band Aid” Solutions to the Crisis in Palestine, what my friend Ismail offered were Solutions. Solutions that were in fact rather Final.

Yet Ismail’s breadth of knowledge and expertise never ceased to amaze me. I will never forget the time I invited him to our Islington Gardening Allotment’s “Compost for Palestine” Gala. Mr. Haniyeh showed an interest in our gardens that left me quite chuffed. In fact, he wandered the garden intently studying the rocks and the trees. He said that if you listened closely, they would speak to you. Now this is a message of Environmental Stewardship that many in Government would be wise to emulate. Yet for some reason, Ismail seemed adamant that we never plant any gharqad trees, an eccentric behavior that I simply took in stride.

I will miss our outings to watch football together, especially when we cheered whichever team was playing Tottenham that day.  He even taught us a traditional Palestinian Football Chant entitled “Khaybar Khaybar Ya Yahud.” It was quite catchy.

As much as I want to putter around the flat today and sulk, there is work to be done. Mr. Haniyeh would want us to be strong. He would also want us to send him money in increments smaller than 10,000 U.S. Dollars via those nice gentlemen at the Finsbury Park Mosque. Today I shall search for the proper wreath to send to Doha in honor of Mr. Haniyeh.

Goodbye Dear Friend.

Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Haniyeh’s Assassination

We here in Israel were just as Shocked (Shocked I tell you!) as you were when we learned of Ismail Haniyeh’s untimely passing this week. Yet before we could move on with our lives and attain Closure, we needed to get to the bottom of exactly what went wrong with Iran’s security and how they failed to prevent this tragedy. So we put on our Journalist hats and did some real shoe leather work that may or may not have entailed joining a Code Pink Zoom Virtual Shiva. The results were 100% Pure Journalism with a side of hummus. So behold: Iran’s Top Ten Excuses for Ismail Haniyeh’s Assassination!


1. Our new Chief of Security came highly recommended by the U.S. Secret Service.

2. Busy binge-watching “Tehran”.

3. Still understaffed because we thought Ilhan Omar’s ‘brother’ and ‘husband’ were two different people.

4. Roger Waters smoked a joint on the patio and left the sliding door unlocked.

5. Sloped Roof

6. Haniyeh’s Bodyguard incapacitated by the smell from Jeremy Corbyn’s compost pile in the garden.

7. Medea Benjamin keeps sexting us.

8. Our Nightshift Zoom Meeting went late because Trita Parsi doesn’t know how to stop talking.

9. Should have been more suspicious of the Tubi bottles we found behind the shrubs.

10. Our interns from Jewish Voice for Peace were at a Shabbat Dinner on Wednesday night.

Top Ten Reasons Hamas Wants to Leave Qatar

(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Lately Ismail Haniyeh and Khaled Mashal have been threatening to leave their comfy lair in Qatar, which is a respected actor on the world stage that is definitely NOT a giant gas station/television studio providing aid and comfort to a bunch of psychotic murderers from the 7th century. So yeah… apparently the big machers at Hamas have ants in their pants and their boots are made for walking and…. we’ve lost our train of thought. Anyhoo, Behold! The Top Ten reasons Hamas wants to leave Qatar!


1. John Cusack keeps sexting us.

2. The Kiddush Club here is just one big clique.

3. We want to move to a less Western city like maybe Dearborn.

4. Jeremy found us an amazing sublet in Islington near the Tube.

5. Doha’s Gharqad trees made some very catty comments about my wife’s clothes.

6. Last week we almost got trapped in a taxicab with Thomas Friedman.

7. Tired of making small talk with Martin Indyk at the Al Jazeera company picnic.

8. Just landed a job next Semester teaching Ethics at Columbia.

9. Yesterday I sneezed in the Hotel elevator and the Bellhop said “Lebriut”.

10. My friends in Dublin just elected me to City Council.

But Mr. Haniyeh, Why is My Bus Ticket to the March of Return Only One-Way?

Mr. Haniyeh, it is a great honor to join you in the heroic struggle to end the Occupation of Gaza! We will drive the Jews out of Gaza….. Wait. They all left in 2005? But we are still Occupied! Because!

But our struggle is not just about the Occupation. It is about breaking down the Walls that separate Gaza from the World! Wait. We border the largest nation in the Arab World, and they say that we are Brothers!

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