The Daily Freier is proud to announce our new spin-off site for American news, The Heat Grates! Follow them here!
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/15/2016 at 12:30 PM
Fort Collins, Colorado: In the latest twist to an unpredictable election season, Libertarian candidate for President Gary Johnson has temporarily suspended his campaign in order to compete at next week’s Hacky Sack tournament in Boulder. The Daily Freier caught up with the candidate when their minivan stopped at a local brewpub/bike repair shop for a campaign rally.
“I know running for President is important.” explained former New Mexico Governor Johnson as we sat at the table in the back of the mini-van. “But I missed last year’s tournament and I’ll be darned if I miss two years in a row.” Governor Johnson pushed away a bottle of Febreze, a toilet paper roll with a fabric softener sheet lining the inside, and a hollowed out apple with some sort of resin on it as he cleared space on the table to chart out his strategy for the tournament. “Two years ago I made it to the quarter-final round before getting eliminated. There’s a lot of luck in who you draw for your circle, but it also helps to just show up with a good vibe and not be a dick. That’s usually good enough to get you to the second or third round. I kinda lost track of time, but it felt like we had the sack in the air for hours. Stoked.”
As a campaign aide placed a cassette marked “Phish Binghamton April ’94” into the minivan’s tape deck, Governor Johnson called a brief halt to the interview. “Can we just chill for a sec? I think this is the one where they closed with ‘Highway to Hell’ done a capella.”
With less than a month to go before the election, the move to suspend the campaign for a week met with some internal friction within the Johnson-Weld team. In fact, Johnson’s campaign aide described running mate former Massachusetts Governor William Weld as “being a total buzzkill about the whole thing“. Yet Governor Johnson was not swayed by any dissent. “Weld’s good people,” Johnson noted, as he rolled some sort of cigarette on a pristine white binder labeled “Foreign Policy“ that appeared to be in its original plastic wrapper, “but sometimes he just needs to chill. Besides, we just need a few days to unwind. Catch some rays. Maybe do a nice bike ride down to the Springs. Plus I got a bro down there who just opened his own climbing gym.”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Governor Johnson discreetly asked us if we “wanted to go in on a bag“.