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By Aaron Pomerantz and Gabby Shuster
Last Updated 3/8/2017 at 4:20
Tel Aviv: With the recent ruling decriminalizing cannabis in the State of Israel, Tel Aviv residents are concerned that they may start smelling marijuana smoke on the streets. Like, In Tel Aviv. Marijuana smoke. We mean, out in the open and stuff. The Daily Freier set out to get all the facts before we started to make things up.
“I’m just concerned that when I walk down Florentin Street I may encounter marijuana smoke.” explained local musician Tomer G. “And that would not be OK.”
“This sets a very bad precedent.” noted Avner B., an artisanal cheese maker out of Yafo. “Soon people won’t need to mix cannabis into tobacco to mask a cigarette’s true nature. They may not even need to smoke their cannabis in ceramic pipes that are painted to look like a filtered cigarette.” Avner’s eyes darted around the room nervously for a moment. “I mean, if that’s the way other people smoke cannabis now. I mean, people who definitely aren’t me.”
North Tel Aviv resident Yoni K. also shared his fears. “Next thing you know, people will be smoking spliffs at a Tuesday night rooftop party, one of those bars on Dizengoff with the long tables and benches, or at a bus stop in broad daylight on Ibn Gvirol.” (Note to the satirically impaired: This is already happening).
“I am curious what this ‘cannabis’ thing smells like.” observed alert local Ronit S. as she sat outside of a pub near the Carmel Market. “Does it smell like that cigarette that those guys over there are smoking? Because that cigarette smells like my older brother’s Metallica jean jacket smelled like back in High School.”
“Wait. Cannabis is decriminalized now?” enthused Sarit B., a hostess at a pub on Allenby Street. “I’m a little excited. Maybe now cannabis use will be readily observed in Tel Aviv’s pubs, bars, and clubs.”
This week’s ruling has had ramifications beyond Israel’s borders as well, with 2016 United States Libertarian Party Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson indicated that he may be now interested in a fact-finding visit to the Holy Land.
Tel Aviv officials reacted to the potential fallout of the ruling with mixed feelings. Municipality Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. tried to see the bright side of the change. “Well, at least the smell of pot on the streets might displace the smell of dry pee.“
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/15/2016 at 12:30 PM
Fort Collins, Colorado: In the latest twist to an unpredictable election season, Libertarian candidate for President Gary Johnson has temporarily suspended his campaign in order to compete at next week’s Hacky Sack tournament in Boulder. The Daily Freier caught up with the candidate when their minivan stopped at a local brewpub/bike repair shop for a campaign rally.
“I know running for President is important.” explained former New Mexico Governor Johnson as we sat at the table in the back of the mini-van. “But I missed last year’s tournament and I’ll be darned if I miss two years in a row.” Governor Johnson pushed away a bottle of Febreze, a toilet paper roll with a fabric softener sheet lining the inside, and a hollowed out apple with some sort of resin on it as he cleared space on the table to chart out his strategy for the tournament. “Two years ago I made it to the quarter-final round before getting eliminated. There’s a lot of luck in who you draw for your circle, but it also helps to just show up with a good vibe and not be a dick. That’s usually good enough to get you to the second or third round. I kinda lost track of time, but it felt like we had the sack in the air for hours. Stoked.”
As a campaign aide placed a cassette marked “Phish Binghamton April ’94” into the minivan’s tape deck, Governor Johnson called a brief halt to the interview. “Can we just chill for a sec? I think this is the one where they closed with ‘Highway to Hell’ done a capella.”
With less than a month to go before the election, the move to suspend the campaign for a week met with some internal friction within the Johnson-Weld team. In fact, Johnson’s campaign aide described running mate former Massachusetts Governor William Weld as “being a total buzzkill about the whole thing“. Yet Governor Johnson was not swayed by any dissent. “Weld’s good people,” Johnson noted, as he rolled some sort of cigarette on a pristine white binder labeled “Foreign Policy“ that appeared to be in its original plastic wrapper, “but sometimes he just needs to chill. Besides, we just need a few days to unwind. Catch some rays. Maybe do a nice bike ride down to the Springs. Plus I got a bro down there who just opened his own climbing gym.”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Governor Johnson discreetly asked us if we “wanted to go in on a bag“.