Jerusalem:The stalemate in Israeli politics is broken and a new coalition has won the backing of the public. Netta Barzilai will join the Blue White and Pink party, thus saving Israeli voters from a third election and saving the sanity of President Rivlin. The shocking move will see the Eurovision winner as Defense Minister. Plus, Bar Refaeli will serve Finance Minister.
As a confused Bibi looked nostalgically at a pair of furry handcuffs, Sarah began to bake cakes with metal files inside. While the ultra-religious parties, Shas and UTJ, sensing their time was up, raided yeshivas, burning a surprising amount of Wizard of Oz DVDs. The Joint List said: “We will not cooperate with this Coalition. We are not your toy. Wait, can we rephrase that?”
An excited Netta noted “I have a manifesto to unite people and make them forget about scandalous corruption, the insane cost of living, and an utterly senseless conflict. Oh, and ridiculous fashion and cheesy music for Everyone!”
(An original-ish Screenplay by Lee Saunders & Aaron Pomerantz)
[SCENE: February 2021, Neve Tirza Prison for Women]
Narrator (sounding a bit like Sara Netanyahu. But definitely *NOT* Morgan Freeman): I must admit I didn’t think much of Bar, first time I laid eyes on her. She might’ve been important in Hollywood, but here in the joint she was just another woman in prison grays. Looked like a stiff breeze could blow her over. I bet the other inmates that she would crack under the pressure the first night….cost me two packs of cigarettes. She never made a sound, if you ignore the hairdryer, chatting on a satellite phone, and name-dropping. I could see why some of the girls took her for snobby. A talk and a strut that just wasn’t normal around here. She strolled. Like a woman with the best lawyer in the world and a cute blonde goysicher ex-boyfriend.
(Scene: The prison roof. Inmates are laying down tar. Sara Netanyahu is the prisoner trustee in charge of the detail. Bar is sunbathing.)
Sara (to another inmate): And now it looks like we need to declare the champagne, cigars, and clothes as income! Can you believe it???
Bar: Excuse me Sara, do you trust your husband?
Sara (dismissively): Of course not, don’t be ridiculous…. but we’re still throwing you off this roof for your chutzpanit.
(Two burly women grab Bar)
Bar (speaking quickly): Because I know a way that you can avoid declaring those gifts by putting them in your husband’s name!
Sara: Leave her alone, girls.
(The women let Bar go)
Sara: OK…. I’m listening Mami.
Narrator: And that’s how it all started. Soon she was doing taxes for the wardens. She polished their shoes. I mean, SHE didn’t polish them, but one of her people did. She promised to introduce the guards to Gal Gadot if they just brought in some decent shampoo from SuperPharm.
Sara: Hey Bar, how did you smuggle in all of this bamba and moisturizer?
Bar: I got them from Ehud over in the Men’s Block. Now be a dear and help me smuggle the stuff I got from Duty Free. It’s waiting in the Elevator.
Narrator: It got to be too much, we just couldn’t stand it. So me and the girls blew up a photo of my Bibi in the photocopier room, stuck it to the wall and gave her some nail clippers. Just to get her out of here.
EPILOGUE (spoken by a serious-sounding old dude): In the Spring of 2021, Refaeli escaped from Neve Tirza-shank Prison. She had spent 19 hours tunneling through the wall of her cell, which had all the solid foundations of a Tel Aviv apartment. Within a day, she was tremping it down to the Sinai.
Narrator: I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. They are meant to live their quai-legal lives in the scorching Middle Eastern sun, surrounded by hash and snorkelers.
Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Israeli Security Agency Shin Bet pooped a brick and a half this morning when Donald Trump’s Air Force One accidentally appeared in the country’s Independence Day aerial flyover.
The whole Middle East held its breath as the U.S. President’s private jet, returning from a photographic tour of the Hezbollah Gorillas In the Mist, suddenly veered left, pirouetted and somersaulted into the Israeli Air Force’s procession up the Mediterranean coast.
The Donald, unusually defensive, tried to defuse the situation: “Why the fuss? Melania didn’t believe me that Israel was the size of New Jersey. I wanted to show her. Happy 69th Birthday Israel. 69 is the best number. Just the best. I love that number and believe me, I have had a lot of numbers. #69” tweeted the U.S. President, with a winky emoji.
Never one to reveal too much, Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-calm-now‘ Spicer added: “Afterwards, the President had a very lively, I mean friendly, chat with Israeli PM Benjamin No-you-can’t-do-too-yoo-hoo. We are also planning to display the might of the US Air Force…. in a surprise flyover… starting in Washington DC at 8pm on Saturday…. after the Trumps come back from a celebratory dinner on the Champs-Élysées with the Le Pens, Les Pens, the Pens, Ha Penim. Whatever. With fountain pens and stationery. Damn it. I don’t know. It’s been 105 days. And I’m tired.”
North Korea’s little dicta-doll, Kim Wrong Un almost choked on his Sausage and Egg McMuffin in disbelief.
Tel Aviv: Late wonder-nun Mother Teresa is now officially a Saint, 19 years after her death in India at the age of 87. Following a complex and frankly tedious process, the Catholic Church has collected enough documents and testimony to make her a Saint, a title reserved for people considered so holy during their lives that are they considered to be with God and can actually perform miracles.
Israeli supermodel and part-time taxpayer Bar Refaeli was said to be devastated, angered that Sainthood does not exist in Judaism, or to the living, especially as her magic was not applauded when it came to her income tax forms.
Taking a short break from shopping for lipstick, Refaeli told the Daily Freier: “I know she helped people in the slums of Calcutta but I made a quite frankly hilarious video for ‘Funny or Die‘. And without expecting a thank you.”
Like a Biblical X-Factor, the Vatican goes through several stages, to include:
Reading the testimonies from sick people who have been cured
Ploughing through a heap of local references
Sending documents to the Judges’ Houses, the Theologians, to see if you are even worth the trouble.
A hopeful Refaeli noted: “I dated DiCaprio for a while and that is always worth a few brownie points at the Pearly Gates, although I am not sure, with him being a gentile, whether the Rabbis would let that slide. I mean at least he wasn’t Reform.”
If a potential Saint gets through this stage, you then have to prove that you performed a miracle, such as healing the sick. While Ms. Teresa cured a woman of stomach tumors after the victim prayed to her, Refaeli said she once kissed an aspirin and gave it to her sister and the migraine disappeared instantly. There were some gasps among theologians at this point, who added: “Ms Refaeli, you are quite something else.”
This stage, called beatification, and less painful than it sounds, is followed by the need for a second miracle, like Leicester FC winning the Premier League or Trump being nice to foreigners. Once that is complete, you are considered a Saint.
There appears to be some hope for Ms. Refaeli. The Saint-making machine has not been exempt from corruption and backhanders for many years so if she gets her furry alligator purse out, she may yet get a day named after her.
Tel Aviv, Bograshov Beach: Israel is celebrating another major start-up success as a local ice cream salesman was floated as an Initial Public Offering (IPO) on the Tel Aviv and New York Stock Exchanges.
To sun-worshipping residents of Tel Aviv, the familiar cries of “Arctic” up and down the city’s beaches are as familiar as a hug and a phone call from your Jewish mother. But this week, the appearance of the charming leathery-skinned Shlomo Cohen had an extra glow as it emerged he has been launched as “Arctic Ltd” on two of the world’s major stock exchanges.
Selling Magnums and Ice Lollies for NIS 15 apiece has seen the once-broke pensioner float on the New York Stock Exchange, with a share price of $43, and catapulted onto the Forbes List of Really Really Rich People, ahead of disappointed Israeli model/actress Bar Refaeli.
“I never felt bad about charging NIS15 for frozen crap on a stick, there is a market for it and when people’s brains are baking slowly, they will hand over their best friends if you ask.” said Shlomo. Tel Aviv’s Sunbathers were happy for Shlomo, if not exactly surprised. “It just highlights the entrepreneurial spirit of the country, and that fortune can hit you at any time here.” added local Amir Goldenberg, who plans to launch “WaterForYou” off the back of his scooter, to compete with the NIS 25 per bottle charged by some of the beach cafes.
Tel Aviv Stock Exchange Spokesperson, Tal A. explained “We are the Start-Up Nation, and this elderly gentleman has shown that you can be broke your whole life in Israel but it matters less how you live, but more where you finish.”
Cohen, 64 from Netanya, does not plan to retire but he does plan to buy a new vest from Castro and a sunhat from Carmel Market and may expand to cover the beaches of Herzliya. To the delight of the tiny straight minority population of Tel Aviv, Bar Refaeli has applied for a part time job with him.
Los Angeles: A multi-billion dollar lawsuit threatens to embroil the entertainment industry this week after it emerged that the latest characters from CPN (the Cartoon Political Network) – Bibi Be-Man, Boris “Brexit” Johnson and “The Donald” resemble iconic Disney and Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters, in both appearance and speech.
It is the first time cartoon characters are expected in court since Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and raises the real possibility that the famous white glove of Mickey Mouse may be forced to swear on a Bible in the witness-box.
Allegations focus on Be-Man, the nickname for Israeli PM Bibi, who was likened to the muscular blonde Master of the Universe cartoon from the 1980s. The revival has seen him increase his monthly barber’s bill (short, back and sides) from the $1,800 spent while at the UN in New York, to a whopping $20,000 (L’Oreal colour, shade 5) although this is still less than his formidable princess of power, Sarah She-Ra Netanyahu.
Speaking of the power of Greyskull(s), The Donald has been this week accused of plagiarizing cute cartoon bird Tweety Pie. “I tawt I saw an immigrant, I did, I did!!” he cried at the Republican National convention in Cleveland. It may have been his first wife, Czech Ivana or his Slovenian third wife, who this week was also accused of ripping off vast chunks of Michelle Obama’s first speech. Scandalous. When we know Michelle is the most effectual Top Cat, the indisputable leader of the gang…..of Democrats on their way out to see Officer Dibble.
Across the pond, fans of clueless and hapless pooch Scooby Doo were left wondering about the inspiration for Britain’s new Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson. At his first awkward date with politicians in Brussels since the Brexit, Boz leaped out his seat during talks on saving Greece to express “Zoinks, there are times like this when I would literally do anything for a Scooby snack….I’d even put the UK back in!” Angela Merkel, resembling a stockier Penelope Pitstop, shrieked “Hayulp, Hayulp” before Silvio Dastardly Berlusconi, Italy’s boomerang Prime Minister Emeritus, appeared behind her to smack her on the arse again.
The much-anticipated court case will follow the spate of recent personal injury/idiocy cases stemming from the Pokemon Go phenomenon, which saw people fall off bridges and sidewalks while looking for things that were purely imaginary. Bar Refaeli collapsed with exhaustion while looking for her tax receipts.
Tel Aviv: The world will hold its breath this weekend as Israel and West ISIS will do battle for a shock place in the World Cup semi finals, after both teams overachieved in the group stages.
The tense clash will be the first time the Zionist nation has gone head to almost-head with West ISIS, who surprisingly topped the Caliphate group after a penalty shootout win against Al Qaeda…when the opposition goalkeeper was beheaded during the coin toss.
After losing 5-1 to East ISIS in the opening game, the signs weren’t good for West ISIS, whose entire midfield was hurled into the stands after the linesman was blown up for raising the wrong flag. Managed by Kassam Allardyce, they switched the formation to play 10 up front and one lookout at the back after a poor back pass saw a central defender hit on the head by a flaming vuvuzela. That formation worked as they sneaked through the group stages with wins over Al Nusra and Boko Loco before clinching top spot in an eventful win over Al Qaeda. Trailing one nil, West ISIS controversially equalised in stoppage time when an in-swinging corner found super sub Jihadi Ringo, who had only put on his suicide vest moments before. He nodded the ball goalwards. The keeper palmed the ball away but the striker’s head flew in, along with two fingers, a right elbow and a knuckleduster. As ISIS fans celebrated by singing Liverpool FC’s ‘You’ll never walk alone‘, the opposition fans began to chant ‘You’ll never walk again‘ so the referee awarded the goal before he was assaulted by irate tea vendors.
Israel’s qualification was more routine as they coasted through, under the management of financial wizards Ehud Olmert and Aryeh Deri. Opposing managers were paying shekels into their offshore bank accounts while the Israeli attack scored freely. Israel thrashed Lebanon 6-0 when they turned the floodlights and water off after hearing of a rocket fired at Haifa. The Zionists romped past the Future Palestinian State, 9-0, after Israel’s Egyptian coach Sissi executed the substitutes bench, which was being used as a grenade factory. The BBC called for an immediate boycott, running with the headline: ‘Palestinian heartbreak as Israel steals football glory‘.
This World Cup had been awash with dramas and scandals. Mexico were kicked out for refusing to play the USA unless Donald Trump quit the race for president. Germany were docked points for fielding a squad comprised only of Syrian refugees, while England’s threat to leave the European Union saw them placed in the Pacific Group where they were knocked out 1-0 by sleeping giants Fiji. Speculation still remains about the result of the game between Israel and Iran, managed by former Ayatollah favourite, Haveyouhadyourdinnerdad. The Al-Jazeera commentary box and cameras were detonated by Hezbollah when fans rose for the Israeli national anthem Hatikva. Drone footage, however, showed the Iranian first XI limping off at the final whistle, beaten and bruised, screaming ‘OK, OK, so Israel bloody exists!’
Oddly, there are plenty of tickets still on sale for the Israel-ISIS clash at the stadium in the central Asian republic of Icouldntgiveaf–kistan. As TV networks booked flights out of the country, ex FIFA president Sepp Blatter promised security would be as tight as his wallet and as comfortable as his padded cell in Switzerland.
The football pilgrimage is expected to see Israel bring 25,000 fans including the publicity-shy supermodel Bar Refaeli. It is unclear how many ISIS fans will come until the end of a three-week gun battle in Palmyra. Available at http://www.armageddon.com (strictly a fanciful jest!–The Freier Legal Department), tickets start at $5 and include a souvenir program, a light beer and funeral expenses.
Tel Aviv: Publicity-shy full-time supermodel and part-time Israeli taxpayer Bar Refaeli has gone into hiding, with tremendous shame, after failing to make it onto the list of celebrities and politicians exposed in the Panama Papers for illegal deals and dodgy finances.
The Mossack Fonseca law firm in the Central American statelet was revealed this week to be the engine room where the world’s rich got filthy, stinking and dirty rich. And nobody offered Ms. Rafaeli a piece of the action, rendering The Israeli supermodel too upset to speak. Her PR agent explained: ‘Ms. Refaeli is dismayed at her absence from this exclusive list. More than 11 million documents and nothing. Especially when a real D-Lister like the Prime Minister of Iceland made the team.‘
Years of Sesame Street accounting, imaginative wedding lists, and hiding the shekels under her Princess and the Pea four poster bed during her ‘army service’ have all proved futile as she failed to make it onto neither this list nor the Forbes Rich list.
Her agent continued. ‘She is a fighter and will be back to claim maternity benefits and appear on Big Brother to complement her meagre salary.’ Additionally, Bar’s agent informed the Daily Freier that his client intended to never wear a Panama hat as long as she lived.
Meanwhile, as one Israeli supermodel hid away from the papers, another, Wonder Woman’s Gal Gadot, was all over them. She was tipped for Oscar stardom after impressing audiences with her 59 words and wrist action in the three-hour Batman vs Superman snoozathon. Even in ultra-conservative Gaza, Hamas militants left their tunnels and rockets to download the original TV series and compare her performance to the iconic Lynda Carter. Gaza tailors are currently working on a Wonder Woman suicide belt in time for Naqba Day.
Jerusalem: Israeli supermodel and renowned IDF non-veteran Bar Refaeli was hauled before the Knesset Emergency Committee (KEC) this week to explain how her recent wedding almost dragged Israel into the Syrian civil war and engulfed the country in a fight with Lebanon. Stressed out about the secret wedding photographs being auctioned to trashy magazines, Refaeli bought two drones to hover 1,000 feet above the chuppah in northern Israel in order to deter local and global media attention. When the batteries in the remote control failed, the drones drifted towards Beirut, and the Lebanese militia called in reinforcements. It turned out that Refaeli, who has received free cars, free apartments and was recently under investigation for tax evasion, had not bought the drones but they were actually a remote control airplane with a cellphone camera attached, belonging to her cousin’s neighbor’s former roommate’s eight year-old little cousin Asaf.
Vowing revenge, the fanatical Hezbollah promised no stone would be left unturned in their hunt for the culprits. Unconfirmed reports from local gossip media magazine “Salaam Beirut” alleged that Hassan Nasrallah was aggrieved at not being invited to the wedding. At the moment that orders were given to shoot down the camera-with-wings, Refaeli’s bridesmaids accidentally knocked the remote control out of Asaf’s hands, sending the drone nosediving towards the ISIS-held Syrian village of Beit-al-wadi-forgot-the-rest.
Summoned before the Knesset, she told court reporters: “I am sorry for the balagan, I could not take any chances. I heard one of the religious magazines were sending in under-cover rabbis to officiate and the whole thing made me panic. I am genuinely sorry I never served in the IDF and dodged tax but I never wanted to hurt my country. I didn’t enlist because I felt dating Leonardo Dicaprio and being seen on Fox billboards were good ways to raise Israel’s profile abroad. Am Yisrael Chai.” Before leaving with a suspended fine, she announced that she was pregnant with her first child. Although little Refaeli is not expected until later this year, the nation began to check their bomb shelters and started downloading “Red Alert” in advance.
Tel Aviv: Gift-giving at Israeli weddings became much easier to understand for guests this week after a series of technological breakthroughs. Scientists at the renowned Technion Institute in Haifa unveiled a range of devices aimed at replacing the giant shekel-guzzling piggy bank that ritually stands in the corner of wedding receptions. Immigrants and native Israelis alike welcomed the news. The Daily Freier was able to speak with one such enthusiastic customer. Malcolm Green, a British Oleh Hadash noted: “When we got married, we had a wedding list at the Poundshop in Liverpool and just asked relatives to buy frying pans and food mixers. Now, everyone wants money, to pay for the very wedding you are going to! Why not just go out for a good shawarma and split the bill?”
Having attended his first wedding on an Israeli kibbutz, Aaron Stone, a new immigrant from the U.S. pointed out: “I looked at a website here designed to help you calculate the amount you are supposed to give the couple. If you know the bride more than 5 years, NIS300, more than 10, NIS1000, if you slept with the mother, you need to get them a car and stay away. It is all so odd.”
Help is soon at hand, though, following the collaboration between researchers and a number of banks and fashion houses. Now, guests can either securely leave cheques in a safety deposit box stitched into the Rabbi’s hat, throw new magnetic shekel confetti at the happy couple, or swipe credit cards at one of the wedding chuppa’s four poles, each sponsored by Mastercard, Visa, Bank Hapoalim and Bank Leumi. 5G WiFi will connect each of the poles to the most favorable exchange rates, which are etched onto the Ketubah marriage contract with a laser pen. Fathers of the bride and groom will both be able to wear special voice-activated black pants that drop on hearing the words Mazel Tov, to reveal a compact cash register.
New brides will have the option of wearing an electronic white hoodie, which holds notes and coins, and is linked by Bluetooth to the groom’s bowtie, which sorts the currency into dollars, pounds and other major currencies. Gucci, Armani and Cofix will be bringing out wedding dresses with trains and veils made from perforated standing order and direct debit instructions if guests prefer to spread payments. A secret pilot scheme was launched at the wedding of noted selective tax-payer Bar Refaeli. When the wine glass was smashed, guests could be heard screaming “Mazel Tov” and “I’m broke” simultaneously. The products will be available from Sunday for purchase by the general public on one of the hidden floors at the Dizengoff shopping mall.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.