By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 7/25/2015 at 11:20 AM
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Local web designer Tamar B. has given her boyfriend Natan an ultimatum: either grow a decent beard within 2 weeks or they are breaking up. Tamar opened up to the Daily Freier’s Lifestyles and Leisure reporter: “When I first met Natan, I really thought he had potential. It was summer and he had some stubble that looked really good with his tan. Then time went by and I started dropping subtle hints about a beard, but he just didn’t get it. I mean HELLO, not only do I live in Tel Aviv, but I live on Rothschild. Should I have made this a bit more obvious and just moved to Florentin???” Tamar went on to note just how embarrassing it was that all of her girlfriends knew she was dating a beard-deficient man. “I can’t take this. Everyone’s starting to talk. Like, Naomi’s boyfriend has the full Tel Aviv hipster beard. She’s basically dating Theodor Herzl. And me? I’m stuck with Mister ‘I can’t help it, it’s genetics’.”
Daily Freier caught up with Natan for his take on this troubling development. “I really don’t know what to do” shared a visibly shaken Natan. “I’ve tried everything. I asked the Yeshiva Bochers at the booth outside Shuk HaCarmel, I mean they’re only like 19 with beards twice as thick as mine, but they just told me to lay Tefillin and the problem would solve itself……It didn’t.” Natan went on to explain the potentially dangerous procedures he was subjecting himself to; “My Vad Bayit, Shlomo might be the hairiest man who can still be classified as human. He told me to apply a mixture of hummus and motor oil to my face before bed each night…….nothing. But now I smell like a snack bar in a Be’er Sheva gas station.”
As the story went to press, there were unconfirmed sighting of Natan outside of the Jaffa Scientology Headquarters, gesturing to his face and talking to a sympathetic woman wearing khaki pants, a denim shirt and carrying a clipboard.