The idea of the new account is very simple: to show the world, the UN and everyone who complains on Secret Tel Aviv (#welcometoIsrael) that sabras are indeed amazing people with big hearts and loud voices. Next time, when someone helps you to find gluten-free cookies at the supermarket, offers his aunt friend’s son as an ideal (obviously!) shidduch, picks up your lost wallet on the street and finds you to give it back, or simply lets you cross the street on the green light (He has to. It’s the law. But still…), take a picture of this brave man or woman and share with the world!
Sounds like a genius idea, isn’t it? We took it to the streets to find out what Israelis think about it.
“That will be just another Instagram account.” complained barista Shay at the coffee kiosk. “No kittens, no boobs, no gay flags. It’s not gonna work.” He wanted to tell us about his plans for when he moves to New York next year, but that would have ruined our morning hafuch moment.
“This is cool, really cool.” enthused Motti, one of three teenagers balancing on one electric bicycle. “Achla idea, capara.” agreed his friend Shlomo.
Not everyone was positive though. “This is just racist!” yelled Inbar, while carrying her yoga mat to the free rooftop meditation class somewhere in Florentin. “This is racist and immoral, because occupation is immoral”. This caused a serious psychological trauma for us, so we decided to stop investigating Israelis and instead ask for your opinion, our precious readers.
Tel Aviv: For those of you who don’t know the word on the street, there is a hip source of news for those times when Haaretz is acting just a bit too (!!Trigger Warning!!) Likud/Neocon/Naftali. And that news source has a name: +972. The Daily Freier checked out the scene by peeking into some select coffee shops along Sheinkin and Florentin to find out just what the hoopla is all about!
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Local web designer Tamar B. has given her boyfriend Natan an ultimatum: either grow a decent beard within 2 weeks or they are breaking up. Tamar opened up to the Daily Freier’s Lifestyles and Leisure reporter: “When I first met Natan, I really thought he had potential. It was summer and he had some stubble that looked really good with his tan. Then time went by and I started dropping subtle hints about a beard, but he just didn’t get it. I mean HELLO, not only do I live in Tel Aviv, but I live on Rothschild. Should I have made this a bit more obvious and just moved to Florentin???” Tamar went on to note just how embarrassing it was that all of her girlfriends knew she was dating a beard-deficient man. “I can’t take this. Everyone’s starting to talk. Like, Naomi’s boyfriend has the full Tel Aviv hipster beard. She’s basically dating Theodor Herzl. And me? I’m stuck with Mister ‘I can’t help it, it’s genetics’.”
Daily Freier caught up with Natan for his take on this troubling development. “I really don’t know what to do” shared a visibly shaken Natan. “I’ve tried everything. I asked the Yeshiva Bochers at the booth outside Shuk HaCarmel, I mean they’re only like 19 with beards twice as thick as mine, but they just told me to lay Tefillin and the problem would solve itself……It didn’t.” Natan went on to explain the potentially dangerous procedures he was subjecting himself to; “My Vad Bayit, Shlomo might be the hairiest man who can still be classified as human. He told me to apply a mixture of hummus and motor oil to my face before bed each night…….nothing. But now I smell like a snack bar in a Be’er Sheva gas station.”
As the story went to press, there were unconfirmed sighting of Natan outside of the Jaffa Scientology Headquarters, gesturing to his face and talking to a sympathetic woman wearing khaki pants, a denim shirt and carrying a clipboard.
Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: After arriving with high hopes of success just 6 weeks ago, Tel Aviv’s Jellyfish population has packed its bags and begun migrating northward toward better opportunities along the Levantine Coast.
“I tried, I really tried” shared a disappointed medusa Ethan S. “I did Ulpan, but outside of class me and my friends only speak jellyfish and I never really made friends with locals. Also, I’m not sure if this was an issue, but whenever I hung out with Israelis, I would just sting the shit out of them.”
“I just couldn’t afford it” noted a translucent purple Shoshanna P. “I was living with three roommates in Florentin. I couldn’t find any work besides Forex. I mean, I attack unsuspecting beachgoers with my poisonous tentacles, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do Forex or Binary.”
Ethan was quick to add that he would be back “Sometime next year, after I get my finances together”. But when asked if he might try to stay a little longer, Ethan was insistent that it was time to go. “I’m done……I’m just done…..Plus I want to be gone before all the French arrive in August.”
Tel Aviv: The entire city is abuzz about a hot new smart phone app called “E-Z-Steal”. This app allows Tel Aviv residents to choose the best time and place to have their bike stolen, and even allows residents to choose which South Tel Aviv chop shop to buy their bike back from. The Daily Freier was on the scene to capture the excitement on the streets.
“Amazing!” noted Jacob S., a Forex trader from Neve Tzedek. “I wanted to go the beach, so I locked my bike up this morning, spent the day hanging out with my friends, and by the time I was done, my bike was already stolen and waiting for me at the shop two blocks from the bus station! The app even interacts with Moovit so I knew the best bus route to use to go buy my bike back!”
“E-Z Stealis just the best! ” enthused Sarah N. “I got a message yesterday on the app asking if my bike could be stolen today between 9 AM and 11 AM, and I was just, like, No way. I need to get to work in Ramat Aviv. But I teach bikram on Thursdays in Florentin, so I just typed in ‘Thursday afternoon, Florentin’. Now after the class I can have a nice cool down by walking down to Har Tsiyon Street! That shop is the best, and I even have their punch card. One more theft and my next buyback’s free!”
Because of E-Z Steal‘s popularity, Tel Aviv municipality is looking at developing new apps for the public including one that arranges the best time of day to get knocked off the sidewalk by some jerk on an electric bike called “E-Z Hit“, and also an one that allows customers to choose which hidden charges and unwanted extras to add to their cable/internet bill, coincidentally also named “E-Z Steal”.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.