Artist With Flag In His Butt at Haaretz Event Shocks People Who’ve Never Read Haaretz

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(EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED!)

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 3/7/2016 at 4:50 PM

Tel Aviv (Surprise!): The scandalous performance at yesterday’s Haaretz Culture Conference during which an artist placed the flag in his tuchus while pelting attendees with orange rinds, shocked and offended those members of the audience and the public who had never, like, actually “read” Haaretz.  The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to console the traumatized, somehow find a way to work through the horror, and to monetize this story.

I….I don’t know what to say” said a shell-shocked Adi F., who admitted that she had never read a column by Gideon Levy.I wonder if Maccabi will cover therapy sessions. I really want to un-see this.”

Other audience members were visibly angry. “This is an outrage! A shonda to the Goyim! How could he do this?” demanded Michael H., before letting slip that his exposure to Haaretz is limited to peaking at the Weekend Edition left on his Vad Bayit’s doorstep.

Interestingly, audience members who were accustomed to Haaretz were visibly less upset. “Still not as offensive as an Amira Hass article!” chuckled alert local Ronit S. as she sipped a cappuccino in the lobby.

After security escorted the artist from the stage and removed the flag from his posterior, a subsequent body cavity search further revealed 3 Shekels, 40 Agurot, some cheap sunglasses, and a Rav Kav.

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