Tag: Hamas Charter

Our "Cousins", Terrorism

Terrorists captured in Forest after Trees & Rocks call the Police
“Damn Gharkad Trees!”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/8/2022 at 12:45 PM

Rosh Ha Ayin: Israeli Border Police are today hailing the quick-thinking of Rosh HaAyin’s community of rocks and trees. Earlier today they noticed the two latest sons of Amalek hiding in their midst, and in an amazing twist of the Hamas Charter, chose to call out to Law Enforcement that there were Terrorists hiding behind them. The Daily Freier was first on the scene, as we wanted an excuse to check out the Tandu Pub in Rosh HaAyin later.

As Border Police interrogated the terrorists, the Daily Freier managed to speak with one of today’s heroes, a Gharqad tree named Snir. 

“I saw those idiots from Jenin trying to hide behind my trunk.” explained Snir as he conducted photosynthesis and swept his Mirpeset. “So I yelled at the Border Police in the next meadow.“

The Daily Freier inquired as to what exactly he yelled to the Police. “Eyy Gever there is a Terrorist behind me come and capture him.“

As the Daily Freier got ready to leave, IfNotNow had already posted a tweet calling Snir a racist.

*Shout-out to the cousin of our favorite Lone Soldier for inspiring this story.

Jeremy Corbyn, Labour Party, The Jooz

Three guesses who is to blame, and the first two don’t count. By Jeremy Corbyn

Yesterday the Progressive Community was hit by a Disaster, a Naqba if you will. Labour lost huge swathes of Districts across the Nation. You see, Labour’s loss affected me deeply. I truly felt pain. A stabbing pain. In the back to be precise. But today we must take stock of our losses and identify just how this happened to us. Or more appropriately, who did this to us. Walking in the Heath yesterday, I had some time to reflect, and had an epiphany. I believe that I know the root cause of our loss. I will give you three guesses who is to blame for our calamity, but the first two don’t count.

Perhaps there is a group of people out there. A bit different. Unfamiliar with British irony. Perhaps they live clustered along a certain rail line in London. Just for the sake of argument, let’s say the Northern Line. I had a chance to discuss this with Ken Livingstone last night at Momentum’s weekly potluck and he seemed to be two steps ahead of me. He truly has a talent for seeing hidden truths. I believe the younger people would call this “being Woke”. But anyway, we agreed there was a group of people out there. People with a knack for finances. People who also live in a certain country along the Western Mediterranean Coast. But not Lebanon or Syria.

Our friends in Hamas and Hezbollah have perhaps an even keener insight into this group of people. In fact I was simply delighted to learn that Hamas even included folktales about these people in their Charter. I simply did not know how ecologically-minded Hamas was until I heard their folklore about the group of people whom we are currently discussing and how even the rocks and the trees of Palestine knew what we in Britain are just learning now. Fascinating. Simply fascinating.

Have you guessed yet?

Jeremy Corbyn, The Jooz

Opposing the Zionist land-grab known as “Tu B’Shevat”, by Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn's Tu B'ShevatThis week we observe another sad anniversary of displacement and dispossession in Historic Palestine: The Zionist Land-Grab masquerading as Environmentalism known as “Tu B’Shevat“. This so-called “Birthday of the Trees” is sadly little more than another attempt by the Zionists to create “Facts on the Ground“, or more specifically “In the Ground“. While some Zionists attempt to portray the scheme as a sort of Poor Man’s Earth Day, it is rather little more than a Naqba with a green facade. Additionally, Israeli school children are encouraged to plant trees, once again contributing to the gradual marginalization of the Palestinian people from their land, tree by planted tree.

Furthermore, On Tu B’Shevat it is customary to have a “Seder“, where the Israelis commit mass amounts of cultural appropriation by displaying and then eating various indigenous Palestinian fruit and nuts. To add insult to injury, the debacle gains a festive air as attendees consume four glasses of wine.

But all is not lost. The outspoken Palestinian activists known as “Hamas“, whom I count among my friends, have their own ecological beliefs. Something about helpful trees and rocks that talk. And in this parable, perhaps we can strive to find a solution to the current impasse. A Solution that is indeed rather Final, if you will. Quite Fascinating, to tell the truth. Quite Fascinating.