Tag: Rachel Dolezal

Tikkun Olam, WOKE

IfNotNow hires Jessica Krug

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/5/2020 at 11:30 AM

New York: In stunning news, an academic of Jewish descent named  Rachel Bat Dolezal Jessica Krug was revealed to be masquerading as an Afro-Latina woman. Doctor Krug, originally from Kansas City, went to great lengths to hone her Woke credentials, including adopting a “street” New York accent so absurd that anyone who grew up in the Tri-State area was reduced to giggling uncontrollably (Bonus points: when she inevitably trashed the IDF, she did it with that accent!) The story is amazing, including such delicious tidbits as people getting suspicious because she was horrible at salsa dancing.

While this was seen by many as a career-ending scandal, others within the Woke As-A-Jewish Community sensed an opportunity. That’s right, Jessica Krug is now working for the beating heart of Progressive As-A-Jewdaism, IfNotNow. The Daily Freier spoke with IfNotNow co-founder, Progressive Christian Activist Seth Woody about this Revelation of Good News.

“A talent like Doctor Krug doesn’t come around every day.” explained Seth as he got ready to teach his next Communion class. “So we knew we had to act quickly. We signed her to a 5-year contract with an option to extend.“

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Woody about the qualities in Doctor Krug that caught IFNotNow’s attention.  Seth thought for a moment and replied: “Well, she’s Woke to the point of being Performative, has a hostile relationship with her Jewish heritage, and tends to make things up. Plus, she’s batshit crazy. She’s a perfect fit for our organization.“

Of course, not everyone on the Progressive Left was happy about the move. Noted Twitter personality Ari L. Gold was livid. “Seriously?” Ari exclaimed. “So getting kicked out of Israel and chaining yourself to the Venezuelan Embassy doesn’t count for anything? If you think I’m not going to Tweet about this for the next three weeks, you’re mistaken.”

As the IfNotNow intern ushered us out after the interview, a stream of attendees arrived for their High Holiday Planning Meeting in order to prepare for Purim and Tu B’Shvat.

*Editor’s Note: Julia Salazar could not be reached for comment.

Election 2018, Tikkun Olam

Fact Checker: every word in Julia Salazar’s bio is false. “Even the punctuation.”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/10/2018 at 4:17 PM

Brooklyn: An exhaustive and comprehensive review of New York State Senate candidate Julia Salazar‘s stated biography has revealed that every single part of it was totally made up, including the words ‘and’, ‘the‘, the number ‘3‘, the letter ‘Q‘, and all of the punctuation to include the commas, semi-colons, and parentheses.

The Daily Freier Institute for Fact Checking Excellence released their report this morning, and it has taken the media by storm. “You know how the TV News awards you ‘Pinocchios’ if you make something up?” explained The Freier Institute’s lead Fact Checker Aaron Pomerantz. “We literally don’t have enough ‘Pinocchios’ to award her so we rated her “Geppetto” in hopes that this will lead to the creation of more Pinocchios.“

Mr. Pomerantz then laid out his Institute’s findings: “Not only did she create the image of growing up poor despite living in a McMansion and having a $600,000 Trust Fund, she also created a Jewish family identity completely unknown to her brother and parents. Additionally, she appears to be the only person to ever immigrate to America from…. Florida.” Mr. Pomerantz then described further inconsistencies. “See that comma in paragraph 2? She made it up. Also that semi colon. And that apostrophe. Also the letter “Q” in that footnote over there. Then there’s that Number “6” in the addendum. Fake, Fake, Fake, Fake.”

When contacted about the accusations that her entire biography is false right down to the punctuation, her Campaign spokesperson responded that it depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.

Election 2018, Tikkun Olam

Julia Salazar: “My Hebrew name is רחל בת דולזל”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/31/2018 at 2:45 PM

Brooklyn: Everyone’s favorite immigrant born in Florida who grew up poor in a McMansion has come out forcefully that she is in fact Jewish. Julia Salazar is running for New York State Senate from Brooklyn and has embraced the identity as a Woke Latina Jew. Despite certain statements contradicting her claim of Jewish ancestry from unreliable partisan organizations, like, um, her brother, Julia adamantly stands by her claim of Jewish roots. “I even have a Jewish name! she explained to the Daily Freier. “רחל בת דולזל. She was a hero from the Bible or something. I dunno, the Rabbi explained it halfway through the conversion, but I was texting Shaun King and must have forgotten.“

The Daily Freier asked Ms. Salazar the name of the Rabbi who converted her, and she quickly answered that it was Krusty the Clown’s dad from the Simpsons he works at the same Shul where Tim Whatley converted in the ‘Yada Yada Yada‘ episode. When the Daily Freier tried to delve further into her claim, she accused us of being “Anti-Dentite“.

The Daily Freier then asked Ms. Salazar about her future plans, and she replied: “I really want to win this, praise Jesus, I mean, B’zrat HaShem. But if this doesn’t work out, maybe I can move to Spokane and chair a NAACP chapter.“