Tag: John Cusack

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Hamas, Top 10

Top Ten Reasons Hamas Wants to Leave Qatar
(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Lately Ismail Haniyeh and Khaled Mashal have been threatening to leave their comfy lair in Qatar, which is a respected actor on the world stage that is definitely NOT a giant gas station/television studio providing aid and comfort to a bunch of psychotic murderers from the 7th century. So yeah… apparently the big machers at Hamas have ants in their pants and their boots are made for walking and…. we’ve lost our train of thought. Anyhoo, Behold! The Top Ten reasons Hamas wants to leave Qatar!

1. John Cusack keeps sexting us.

2. The Kiddush Club here is just one big clique.

3. We want to move to a less Western city like maybe Dearborn.

4. Jeremy found us an amazing sublet in Islington near the Tube.

5. Doha’s Gharqad trees made some very catty comments about my wife’s clothes.

6. Last week we almost got trapped in a taxicab with Thomas Friedman.

7. Tired of making small talk with Martin Indyk at the Al Jazeera company picnic.

8. Just landed a job next Semester teaching Ethics at Columbia.

9. Yesterday I sneezed in the Hotel elevator and the Bellhop said “Lebriut”.

10. My friends in Dublin just elected me to City Council.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The United Nations, Top 10

Top 10 Signs there’s a Hamas Bunker underneath your UNRWA Office

This week we learned that UNRWA’s protests that they don’t even know anyone in Hamas might be a bit rich. Not just because a dozen of their employees attacked Israel on October 7th, but now we learn that Hamas was running a data center underneath UNRWA’s headquarters! Now their leadership is claiming they had, like “No Idea” what was underneath their HQ. Here at Daily Freier we sympathize with the United Nations and want to help. Perhaps we can assist the UN in finding “red flags” that indicate that maybe things are not as they seem. So without further ado, Behold! The Top Ten Signs there’s a Hamas Bunker underneath your office!

  1. John Cusack always loitering in the break room.
  2. Your Bluetooth asks if you want to match with “Yaya Sinwar’s iPhone”.
  3. Goat wearing a miniskirt & fishnet stockings comes and goes at all hours of the night.
  4. Rashida Tlaib calls and asks what time everyone goes home at night because she’s “just curious”.
  5. You show up early to work one morning and catch Roger Waters taking a dump.
  6. Your Handyman wanders around emptying his pockets of dirt just like in Shawshank Redemption.
  7. There’s a Wolt driver at the front door but nobody in the office ordered food.
  8.  Someone always bangs on the floor with a broomstick whenever you make noise after 10 PM.
  9. Your summer intern tells you that the noise in the basement is just Chabad doing home improvement.*
  10. There’s a sign on the basement door that says “To the Top Secret Hamas Data Center”.

 

 

*Too Soon?

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The United Nations

UNRWA Teacher’s Top 10 Excuses for Joining Hamas

This week the world was rocked by the UNBELIEVABLE News that The United Nations Schools in Gaza have been infiltrated by Hamas. This story came as a shock to the millions of Dorks who weren’t reading the Daily Freier in 2015. Nonetheless, UNRWA’s big donors including the USA are pulling their funding. But this is all a big mistake. In fact, The Daily Freier spent the day compiling some of the very legitimate explanations for the current misunderstanding. So behold: UNRWA Teacher’s Top 10 Excuses for Joining Hamas!


1. It was either join Hamas or teach Health Class to Sophomores.


2. Actually it’s mandatory under the “No Jihadi Left Behind” Act of 2012.


3. I wanted to impress John Cusack.


4. Still not the Wokest thing an Elementary Education Major did this year.


5. I just wanted to meet the Hamas Bumblebee.


6. Our Union said we could attend the Hamas meetings via Zoom.


7. Roger Waters sent me a really nice invitation.


8. The kids asked if we could have class outside.


9. We will do ANYTHING to get out of Parent-Teacher Conference Night.


10. We kinda just hate Jews.