By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1/29/2017 at 5:30 PM
Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.
“I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.
The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.
Hamas also welcomed the move, adding that foreign visitors would be most welcome. Visas would be free, but tourists are expected to take out their own insurance n the unlikely event that yada yada yada. Tourists are already lining up for the opportunity to see Arafat’s Tomb, the Roger Waters Wax Museum, the United Nations School that definitely was NOT used to fire mortars at Israel, and the Hamas Bumblebee. Also, Hamas mentioned something about a tunnel connecting Gaza International’s main concourse and downtown Tel Aviv.
The Abbas Airlines aircraft, dubbed “Quds Force 1”, boasts 72 flight attendants, each covered head to toe. And apparently they’re virgins.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 4/12/2016 at 11:40 AM
Luton, United Kingdom: Recently sacked Labour Councillor Ayşegül Gürbüz held a brief Press Conference this morning explaining to the nation exactly why she had sent out a bunch of not-very-nice tweets praising Hitler and wishing for Iran to destroy Israel: She thought that she was actually working for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine (UNRWA).
Ms. Gürbüz, who in fine sibling tradition had previously blamed her sister for the tweets, initially planned on telling the public that a canine had devoured her schoolwork. Yet at the Press Conference she admitted the truth. “I thought I was working for UNRWA. This was truly an honest mistake. I mean, if I thought I worked in an office environment where you could get fired for bashing Zios inappropriate remarks about the Jewish people, I would have been more circumspect. I mean, UNRWA doesn’t fire ANYONE!
When asked about her future plans, Ms. Gürbüz noted that she may go into game design before Labour quietly rehires her some time around August or September.
Khan Yunis, Gaza: La Agencia de las Naciones Unidas para los Refugiados de Palestina en Oriente Próximo (UNRWA) está hoy en crisis después de que unos informes recién publicados revelaran que uno de los suyos mantiene una página en Facebook absolutamente libre de fotos admirativas de Hitler, de judíos siendo perseguidos o de judíos religiosos siendo atropellados por un coche o acuchillados.
Fares A., un profesor de matemáticas en la Escuela Primaria Sayyid Qutb de Khan Yunis, mantiene un perfil en Facebook que única y estrictamente contiene fotos de su familia, de sí mismo frente a algún Ferrari o una foto publicada por algún dulce corazón femenino de la escuela (a quien su mujer no puede soportar) de ambos juntos en la década de 1990, e imágenes de lo que parece ser una celebración de una barbacoa al aire libre con un sabroso cordero.
Los compañeros de Hassan en la escuela de primaria Sayyid Qutb estaban en un estado de shock. “Tu piensas que conoces a alguien, y luego, bang, resulta ser otra persona“, declaró el descorazonado profesor de historia Hassan M. “Quiero subrayar que él ha estado en mi casa, hablamos de fútbol… Supongo que la próxima seré más cuidadoso con mis amistades“.
La profesora de geografía Layla R. estaba igualmente molesta. “Este hombre ha empañado la dignidad de Gaza. Esto es aún peor que cuando el Mossad secuestró a nuestro gatito“.
El portavoz de la UNRWA, Chris Gunness, compareció apresuradamente en una rueda de prensa preparada para hacer frente al creciente escándalo. “Tomamos esta acusación muy en serio y vamos a investigarla tan pronto como sea posible, sobre todo después de terminar la investigación sobre las finanzas de un blog que nos critica“.
Cuando este artículo entró en prensa, surgieron informes de que Fares A., el profesor acusado, publicó a la desesperada en su Facebook sus últimas calificaciones en el juego conocido como “Naqbaville“, en un intento de salvar el honor de su familia.
(Photo Credit: The Googles)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 10/9/2015 at 12:30 PM
Khan Yunis, Gaza: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East (UNRWA) is in turmoil today after published reports revealed that one of their own maintains a Facebook page with absolutely no pictures of Hitler, Jews being hunted down, nor of religious Jews being run over with a car. Fares A., a mathematics teacher at Sayyid Qutb Elementary School in Khan Yunis, maintains a Facebook profile containing strictly pictures of his family, pictures of himself in front of somebody else’s Ferrari, a picture posted by his high school sweetheart (whom his wife can’t stand) of the two of them together in the early 1990’s, and pictures of what appears to be an outdoor barbecue event with particularly tasty lamb.
Fares’s fellow teachers at Sayyid Qutb Elementary were in a state of shock today. “You think you know a guy, and then, bang, this happens.” stated a disheartened History Teacher Hassan M. ” I mean, he’s been to my house, we talk football…..I guess next time I will be more careful with my friendships.” Geography teacher Layla R. was equally upset. “This man has tarnished the dignity of Gaza. This is even worse than when the Mossad kidnapped our Bumblebee.”
UNRWA’s spokesman Chris Gunness appeared at a hastily prepared press conference to address the growing scandal. “We take this accusation very seriously and we will investigate it as soon as we finish investigating the finances of a blog that criticizes us.“
As this article went to press, reports emerged that Fares was desperately posting his latest scores for the game Naqbaville on his Facebook page in an attempt to salvage his family’s honor.