Tag: United Nations

USA abstains on UN Resolution condemning Moses’s crimes against Egypt

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 1/18/2017 at 6:30 PM

New York, Turtle Bay: Israel’s not-so-great position at the United Nations sunk to new depths this week after the UN Security Council passed, with the United States abstaining, a resolution demanding the investigation into alleged crimes committed by Moses. You know, the guy from the Bible. Dead for 3200 years, Moshe Rabenu, a homeless shepherd, was condemned for kidnap, economic sabotage of the Egyptian people and as an accomplice to mass murder. With the US failure to veto this resolution, the BDS movement is expected to boycott “everything that’s kinda Jewy“,  to include Facebook, Chinese Food, and Woody Allen movies.

The Resolution, first reported by that bastion of free press in the Middle East Al Jazeera, states that Moses forcibly removed 600,000 relatively content Jews from kibbutzim in Egypt, force-fed them crackers that taste like cardboard until they were sick, and then sped towards Eilat in a second-hand Hyundai. Furthermore, as the Canaanite Police Department gave chase, Moses the Terrible and his Zionist entities vandalized the streets of Cairo with a bunch of dead locusts and frogs. Police also believe he is responsible for splitting a sea, in contravention to international environmental laws.

These crimes caused such economic hardship in Egypt that it ultimately led to revolutions and the arrival of ISIS.” said the UN’s outgoing Secretary General, Bank Ki Wank I Moon.

The investigation has been one of the longest in Egyptian history. Police did not open the file for more than 2,000 years, after only packets of Kosher-for-Passover Bamba and stubbed out spliffs were found in the wilderness around the Sinai town of Dahab.

Al Jazeera, however, managed to track down a key witness, Mahmoud, a retired tour guide. “It was definitely Moses. The trunk was flapping open and closed, with two giant tablets in the back. There were hundreds of kids strapped to the roof. I thought it was a school trip to the Coral Reef.” said Mahmoud. It is believed that Moses relied on an early version of Waze, a phenomenal breakthrough in GPS technology, which helped direct Noah to dry land during some pretty bad weather.

Israeli Prime Minister, Bibi Netanyahu, fresh from his latest romantic dinner with the other Moses, Arnon, said: “If you were abandoned in a wicker basket as a baby, you too would have a point to prove. Why should he be held to higher standards?

Bibi received support from his new BFF, incoming President Trump, who googled “What is the United Nations?” before tweeting “Like #MerylStreep, the UN is vastly overrated.

Advertisements

Hanukkah Miracle as Ketchup Heiress with nothing to say speaks for 75 Minutes

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/31/2016 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: People around here have seen a lot, but something is different this week. On Wednesday, something happened that was so profound that it very well may have been a modern Hanukkah miracle. Ketchup heiress/Navy Veteran/Dude who lost to Dubya/Diplomat John Kerry spoke for 75 minutes without actually having anything to say. With only enough relevant ideas to fill a 5 minute chat, Kerry somehow summoned enough J-Street talking points, Senate anecdotes, and Thomas Friedman clichés to make his talk last 75 minutes. Nes Gadol Haya Sham! So the Daily Freier hit the streets to find out the word. On the streets.

As the Daily Freier exited Jerusalem’s Central Bus Station, we ran into a familiar face: Alert Local Ronit S., who was on her way to the Ministry of Education to get a scuba diving certification from Cancun translated into Hebrew so she could be a dive instructor or something. We asked Ronit if she heard the speech.

Yeah. They played it on the bus the whole way here. Seventy. Five. Minutes. It was so bad that the driver actually had to pull over to get some fresh air near Latrun. I made a bet with the guy next to me on how long it would last. He said 90 minutes, I said 70. So I won. 50 Shekels. The guy was mad and insisted that if Kerry was allowed to also speak in French that the speech would have hit 2 hours.

The Daily Freier said goodbye to Ronit and proceeded onto the Light Rail toward the  Illegally Occupied Western Wall. On the Light Rail, we saw Historian Yoni K. who went on to explain the significance of Kerry’s speech. “What Secretary Kerry did was like transporting me back in time.” explained Yoni as he looked into the distance. “It was like I was in Barack Obama’s Columbia University Dorm Room bull session circa 1983. Imagine a reality where Israel never offered the Palestinians a State in 2000, 2001, and 2008.  A reality where Ehud Barak never completely withdrew from South Lebanon in a UN certified move in 2000, and Hezbollah never promptly moved in and kidnapped an Israeli patrol. In this Alternative Universe, Ariel Sharon never removed every Jew from Gaza and handed it over to the Palestinian Authority in 2005; and Hamas never evicted the PA from Gaza in 2007…. You know, for a minute while I was listening to his speech….. I thought that I was high.

The Daily Freier jumped off the Light Rail and walked over to city hall where several children sat in a circle playing dreidel.

Gimmel” shouted one boy as he grabbed a handful of candy from a pile in the center.

Hay” shouted another, as he too grabbed some candy.

Nun” mumbled another boy as the other kids started to taunt him. “Ha Ha!” They shouted as they handed him the headphones of an I-Pod. “Now you have to listen to Kerry recount his special friendship with Shimon Peres.

That’s OK, I guess.” muttered the boy. “At least I don’t have to listen to him talk about his yacht trip to Martha’s Vineyard.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

UNESCO not convinced that Adam Sandler is really Jewish

420px-Adam_Sandler_6821

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 7/31/2016 at 8:40 AM

Paris: The United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) is holding an emergency meeting tomorrow to get down to the bare facts on a question that has confused them for some time: whether famous actor Adam Sandler is really Jewish. While Mr. Sandler has made a name for himself with works to include the Chanukah Song, 8 Crazy Nights, and Don’t Mess with the Zohan, this level of proof simply leaves more questions than answers for the fun folks over at UNESCO. The Daily Freier spoke with UNESCO spokesperson Francesca S. about this fascinating development.

We just really don’t know whether or not ‘Mr. Sandler’ is actually ‘Jewish’ [when saying these words, she really did make quote-marks in the air with her fingers] so as an organization we are required to do the proper research. Just last week, we learned from President Abbas that Jesus was actually Palestinian.

When the Daily Freier asked UNESCO if there were any other fairly big problems in the world right now that didn’t involve Israelis or J-E-W-S, she paused, looked at us the same way our teacher did when we used to eat paste, and continued her monologue.

We’ve been so busy deciding that the Western Wall [she did the air quotes thing again] is actually part of the Al-Aqsa Mosque, that we haven’t really had time to catch up with all of our other tasks.”

For its part, Israel reacted with scorn to UNESCO’s move, but in the spirit of compromise, offered to declare Max Blumenthal and  Tel Aviv’s Atarim Square as Palestinian.

The status of Mr Sandler’s Judaism is due to be voted on early this week by the 21-members of UNESCO’s World Heritage Committee, at which point they will also decide the Jewish status of Jackie Mason, the movie Yentl, North Miami Beach, and Seth Rogen’s hair.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Save

Instagram’s @SabrasBeingPolite breaks down stereotypes

Sabras Being Polite Insta Daily Freier

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 6/22/2016 at 7:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Florentin: Inspired by the impressive success of HotDudesAndHummus and not connected to Israel (but definitely created by Jews) BrosBeingBasic , a group of students at Tel Aviv University launched a new Instagram account SabrasBeingPolite.

The idea of the new account is very simple: to show the world, the UN and everyone who complains on Secret Tel Aviv (#welcometoIsrael) that sabras are indeed amazing people with big hearts and loud voices. Next time, when someone helps you to find gluten-free cookies at the supermarket, offers his aunt friend’s son as an ideal (obviously!) shidduch, picks up your lost wallet on the street and finds you to give it back, or simply lets you cross the street on the green light (He has to. It’s the law. But still…), take a picture of this brave man or woman and share with the world!

Sounds like a genius idea, isn’t it? We took it to the streets to find out what Israelis think about it.
That will be just another Instagram account.” complained barista Shay at the coffee kiosk. “No kittens, no boobs, no gay flags. It’s not gonna work.” He wanted to tell us about his plans for when he moves to New York next year, but that would have ruined our morning hafuch moment.

This is cool, really cool.” enthused Motti, one of three teenagers balancing on one electric bicycle. “Achla idea, capara.” agreed his friend Shlomo.

Not everyone was positive though. “This is just racist!” yelled Inbar, while carrying her yoga mat to the free rooftop meditation class somewhere in Florentin. “This is racist and immoral, because occupation is immoral”. This caused a serious psychological trauma for us, so we decided to stop investigating Israelis and instead ask for your opinion, our precious readers.

Labour Councillor explains Hitler tweets: “I thought I was working at UNRWA”

Untitled

By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 4/12/2016 at 11:40 AM

Luton, United Kingdom: Recently sacked Labour Councillor Ayşegül Gürbüz held a brief Press Conference this morning explaining to the nation exactly why she had sent out a bunch of not-very-nice tweets praising Hitler and wishing for Iran to destroy Israel: She thought that she was actually working for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine (UNRWA).

Ms. Gürbüz, who in fine sibling tradition had previously blamed her sister for the tweets, initially planned on telling the public that a canine had devoured her schoolwork.    Yet at the Press Conference she admitted the truth. “I thought I was working for UNRWA.  This was truly an honest mistake. I mean, if I thought I worked in an office environment where you could get fired for bashing Zios inappropriate remarks about the Jewish people, I would have been more circumspect. I mean, UNRWA doesn’t fire ANYONE!

When asked about her future plans, Ms. Gürbüz noted that she may go into game design before Labour quietly rehires her some time around August or September.

 

 

UN Slams IDF after Interrogators Place Detainee at Shabbat Table of only French Speakers

french_jews

(Photo Credit: Jewish Agency)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 4/8/2016 at 10:50 AM

New York, Turtle Bay: United Nations Secretary General Ban-Ki Moon reacted with undisguised anger to published reports alleging that the Israel Defense Force is using a new and potentially dangerous interrogation technique: placing detainees at a Sabbath table comprised completely of French Jews. From Paris. Speaking only French. At a slightly elevated noise volume. All… Night… Long…  Secretary General Moon explained his objections to the Daily Freier during a break from his busy schedule of not helping to solve the Syrian crisis.

Israel simply cannot behave in this fashion if it wishes to improve its standing in the Community of Nations.  I mean, the mere thought of this activity is horrifying.  It reminds me of the time I was trapped in an elevator with François Hollande  and Nicolas Sarkozy for 45 minutes during a power outage.

Israel responded to Secretary Moon’s statement, explaining the effectiveness of the technique.  “We only do this with our real hard cases, the tough guys.” stated IDF spokesperson Guy T. “Just last Shabbat we had a Hamas guy on a hunger strike.  We put him at a table of new French Olim. By the time of Kiddush he was fidgeting in his seat. Soon he was visibly sweating and talking to himself.  Before the Birkat HaMazon he looked me in the eye and said ‘Get me out of here.’ Twenty minutes later he was in his cell eating a falafel.

When the Daily Freier asked Guy if there was an interrogation technique that would work with a table of American Olim, he said he’d get back to us after more than 5 Americans make Aliyah.

Save