Well, the United Kingdom just let five terror suspects out on bail. That’s right, 5 masked men driving vans were arrested at night outside of RAF Fairford Air Base. The vans had fake company names and fake phone numbers written on their sides. The suspects were discovered by an alert local farmer because the local police were busy watching reruns of Coronation Street on DVD. So naturally, the British authorities set them free on Bail, which goes against everything we learned about crime fighting that we learned from watching Law & Order. Anyhoo, the British authorities were kind enough to explain their reasoning. So behold, the “Top Ten Reasons Britain Released the Air Base Terror Suspects on Bail”:
1. They asked nicely.
2. Ed Miliband vouched for them “as a Jew“.
3. We wanted to prevent a possible future Macklemore song.
4. One of them was Ilhan Omar’s brother. Or her husband. Or both.
5. Jeremy Corbyn said he needed some “helping hands” down at his Islington gardening allotment.
6. It wouldn’t be Cricket to keep them in jail while we investigated.
7. They claimed they were just filming a Tik Tok video for Mamdani.
8. Something Something Something “We hate Trump“.
9. Someone tried to fly into Heathrow with olive oil from the Golan and we needed the jail cells.
10. Roger Waters claimed they were his Backup Dancers.
