Tag: Tucker Carlson

Israellycool

Qatar’s Emir Takes Brief Break From Using Tucker Carlson as Hand Puppet

Doha: In a move described by Gulf Insiders as World-Class Gamesmanship and 3-D Chess, Qatar’s Emir Tamim bin Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani pulled his hand out of Tucker Carlson‘s butt for 5 minutes this morning. “This sort of work is exhausting.” explained a Palace Insider on condition of anonymity.  “Think of this as a ‘Self Care’ regimen for Royalty….everybody needs a break sometimes.”

Qatar’s relationship with Tucker Carlson has been described by some critics as “more puppetry than that Being John Malkovich movie.” Yet Mr. Carlson has taken this criticism in stride.  In fact, he generously joined the Daily Freier for a video chat from his Doha hotel room. “Some people say that I’m an Opportunist. But Fox News fired me in 2023, and my fishing lodge is not going to pay for itself.” Tucker Carlson paused for a moment and stared into the distance. “Strangely enough, that’s about the time I decided I don’t like Israel anymore. Crazy, huh?”

(We published this story on Israellycool today. Go check out the entire story here!)

 

BDS, Top 10

Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel

So Jerry Nadler is retiring from Congress and Hashem has a sense of humor. Because an even more annoying Jew-ish person is running for his vacant seat. Cameron Kasky’s brand is basically being a less-accomplished version of Mamdani, only kinda Jewish. And he HATES Israel. So imagine our surprise when journalist Eliana Goldin cold busted him at Ben Gurion Airport wearing a Covid mask and trying to be incognito! Then, in a fit of bravery, he accused Eliana of being a “narc“! Does he think that she’s his mean Freshman Dorm RA or something? But we here at the Daily Freier just KNOW that Cam had to have a good reason to run the BDS gauntlet and visit Altneuland. Because if he didn’t, that would make him kind of a hypocrite. So behold: Cameron Kasky’s Top Ten Excuses for Visiting Israel!


1. My HMO assigned me to Doctor Shakshuka.             

2. Jewish Voice for Peace told me that Sukkot is this week.       

3. Muhammad El-Kurd said there’s a really chill hookah bar in Ramallah where he “keeps it on the DL”.

4. Wanted a free trip with Taglit but they banned me after “the hummus incident” in Williamsburg.

5. Zohran asked me to “take lots of pictures” of Army bases, bus terminals, and ports.

6. Really wanted to see the Bernie Sanders statue on Frishman Beach.

7. Ilhan wants to open a Daycare Center in Jenin and asked me to look at some Real Estate.

8. Needed some talking points for Tucker’s show next week.

9. Rashida dared me to tape $50,000 in non-sequential bills to my body and deliver it to her Uncle in Nablus.

10. Honestly, I thought I would get away with it.

Chanukah, The Jooz

Tucker Carlson Tells the Story of Chanukah
באנו טאקר לגרש

In the coming days we will be informed that we need to celebrate a certain Holiday. A holiday called “Chanukah”. Spinning tops, fried food, some presents. What’s not to like? And that’s EXACTLY how the people who packaged this so-called Holiday want you to think. Because their Greatest Fear is that YOU, the American People, will “peek behind the curtain.” Start asking Questions. Start doing your OWN research about what ACTUALLY happens BEHIND the scenes at the Chanukah Lobby. And that FEAR on their part tells you more than any slickly produced Infomercial about “The Festival of Lights”. So let’s look at the facts.

There’s a King named Antiochus. A Strong Leader from Syria that some Jews don’t like. Sound familiar? What EVIL plots does this man Antiochus want to hatch upon the Jews? War? Famine? Genocide??? No, Antiochus wants to encourage physical fitness in Greek Gymnasiums. Some of the people there exercise naked. Not my idea of a Saturday night, but what do I know? But this offends some powerful Jews. And these powerful Jews with names like “Mattathias” and “Judah Maccabee” don’t like being offended. 

So how do these easily offended Jewish powerbrokers react? Do they call for dialogue? Do they look for common ground? No, they embark on another Israel-inspired regime change war in the Middle East. They don’t claim to have a Mandate to pursue this war… and No Honest person suggests they COULD get one. Because the people who actually WANTED this war never actually admitted their true agenda: Ending Religious Pluralism in the Holy Land. No longer can you sacrifice a pig in the “Holy of the Holies”. But why not? Was there a vote that I missed? No, because that would have exposed the TOTAL UNWILLINGNESS of the people PUSHING this war to find a peaceful solution. They knew they could not win the debate honestly. So they changed the premise. Now we’re talking about armored Syrian war elephants. WAR ELEPHANTS!!! It would be absurd if wasn’t so serious.

But that’s the Agenda that was forced upon us by an unaccountable cabal of powerful forces. So how do they justify this power grab? They find some oil. And that oil lasts a really long time apparently. I mean, Case Closed, right?

This weekend when you’re “chowing down” on a jelly doughnut you need to ask yourself: “Who wants me to eat this doughnut? And why do they so DESPERATELY want me to eat it without asking questions?”

Tune in next week when I explore healthy Middle Eastern diets by tossing The Emir of Qatar’s salad.

The Jooz

The Story of Sukkot, by Tucker Carlson

Today we are going to look at a Holiday that we THINK we know about. A Holiday that (((they))) they TELL us is about the Fall Harvest and the Exodus from Egypt. Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Families sitting down together, good food, maybe a little wine. But what’s going on beneath the surface? Most Americans have no IDEA about the ACTUAL intention of this so-called festival, and they would be com-PLETE-ly shocked if they were ever allowed to see the real picture.  Because we are not allowed to question Sukkot in any way. Full Stop. Journalists who ask too many questions about Sukkot are warned, quietly at first, to back off. Then they’re warned not-so-quietly. It’s hard to overstate just how BADLY that certain forces do NOT want us talking about “Sukkot”. AT ALL. What they’re worried about is that someone somewhere will begin asking questions. Questions that they DESPERATELY don’t want to answer. But today, WE are asking the questions. And we want answers.

Certain Powerful Lobbies tell us with a straight face that this so-called Sukkah is just a booth in a field. But why is there only three walls? What did they do with the other wall? I MYSELF find it interesting that this wall is missing, don’t you? What did they do with the other wall? Was it asking too many questions about Bibi Netanyahu?  Did it criticize AIPAC? Again, I’m only asking questions. Questions that some forces find extremely uncomfortable.

In addition, Americans have grown so accustomed to being lied to that they don’t even QUESTION a fruit that looks like a bizarre giant lemon with bad acne. They tell you it’s an “Etrog”. But do you really believe them? What happened to the regular lemons? Did they just “GO AWAY” one day? Or were they told to go away if they knew what’s good for them? These are the kinds of open psychological operations that THEY are currently conducting on YOU. Like the Lulav. It’s a palm frond wrapped with willow. THAT’S a little strange, isn’t it? But then they point it in every direction. Almost like they’re showing you all of the places under their influence. Again, you’re not supposed to have any questions about this.

There is so much more to share with you about this disturbing “Holiday”, but Qatar’s weekly check hasn’t cleared yet and my next fishing cabin in Montana isn’t going to just purchase itself. Tune in next week when we go behind the scenes at a Matzoh factory and discover their secret ingredient.