Santa Fe: Political Nerds everywhere (Hi!) are beyond excited this week with the news that former CIA Agent Valerie Plame is running for Congress in New Mexico! For those of you playing along at home, Ms. Plame was in the middle of a giant Balagan about 15 years ago about the Iraq War, secret identities, Dick Cheney, Weapons of Mass Destruction and a bunch of other things from a decade Before the Covfefe Era (BCE). Anyhoo, in addition to all that, Ms. Plame used to be really into Twitter, but now we can’t find her account. Which is weird, cuz it had some pretty cool stuff on it. Like the time she retweeted a story called “America’s Jews Are Driving America’s Wars“. But that was an honest mistake that she owned up to by saying…. ummm…. “Many neocon hawks ARE Jewish.” Yet this was really just an isolated incident, except, umm, for the other time that she retweeted a 9/11 Conspiracy theory about Dancing Jooz.
Fortunately, Ms. Plame has moved on after her campaign manager snatched her Iphone and deleted her Twitter account and just launched her Congressional Campaign with an A-Ma-Zing video where she drives a Camaro in the desert in reverse faster than Israel created ISIS. Because let’s face it, there’s not a minute to spare. We need Ms. Plame to put on her old CIA sleuth hat and get to the bottom of some stuff that’s been keeping us up at night. Such as….
Who poisoned the village well?
(Something about the Rothschilds. And The Freemasons. And an Octopus.)
And of course…
3. What’s gives their matzoh that special zing?
As a special treat, Ms. Plame also informed us that she has previously unmentioned Jewish ancestors! You know, like Ken Livingstone’s grandmother! And, umm….Julia Salazar. OMG! Or as Ms. Plame now says, ‘Oy Gevalt!’
Grand Forks, North Dakota: Part-time copyright researcher and full-time conspiracy theorist Bobby Holloman has some decidedly unorthodox ideas. He has proof that the 1969 Lunar Landing was filmed in the back of a Stuckey’s Restaurant off of Interstate 40 near Amarillo. He refuses to do business in paper currency, but rather barters for his needs using gold dust. And don’t get him started on 9/11. But perhaps his wackiest conspiracy theory to date involves the Terror State of ISIS. Bobby has a theory for their origins and funding that does not involve the Pope, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, Queen Elizabeth, and most of all, the Joooooz. The Daily Freier had the opportunity to speak with Bobby at his compound on the North Dakota prairie this week.
“Quick, come in and close the door behind you! You only have seconds to spare!” implored Bobby as he ushered us into his home while scanning the sky for drones. “You want some water? I drilled my own well! No fluoride for me!”
As we sat down in his living room, Bobby explained his theory on the origins of ISIS. “OK, this is going to sound crazy, but let me lay it out for you: I believe that a combination of Saudi Arabia exporting Wahhabi ideology for a generation, oil money from corrupt Gulf States, veteran Jihadists of Al Qaeda’s wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Chechnya…..plus a confused Western Civilization led by a man who thinks Climate Change is its greatest threat– these factors combined to create the conditions for ISIS.”
When the Daily Freier challenged him on his wacky theory, Bobby elaborated. “Of course, Bashar Assad and Hezbollah can take some credit for killing peaceful Syrian protesters in 2011 instead of negotiating with a frustrated Sunni majority. And of course Iran was pulling Bashar’s strings…….then there’s the West’s Progressive Left that seems to hate its own civilization more than it hates ISIS…..of course Al Jazeera should take a bow for beaming Islamist propaganda into millions of homes for 20 years…..I mean, call me crazy but let’s connect the dots.”
As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Bobby asked us if we wanted to get on his mailing list because he was about to publish a manifesto explaining exactly how the Kardashians became famous.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.