Tag: Jews

Judaism

Messianics posing as Frum Jews busted after showing up on time to a Simcha

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/17/2019 at 2:30 PM

Chicago, West Rogers Park: The Torah-observant world has been rocked this week by the disturbing news of Messianic Christians infiltrating their community. As reported in Yeshiva World News, “David and Rivkah Castello moved to West Rogers Park in Chicago a few months ago, and they dress, act, and behave like Frum Jews, and daven in local Shuls. Rivkah works as a babysitter for young children in the neighborhood.” David even had his hair in long peyot. Yet despite David and Rivkah’s intense efforts to blend in, alert members of the Community began to detect their deception after the couple vaccinated their kids began to exhibit suspicious behavior like showing up on time to community events. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get all the facts.

The Daily Freier first spoke with David’s acquaintance Nachum, to hear his suspicions. “David was perfectly happy davening in any of the local shuls, and he didn’t even have a Shul that he hated so much that he wouldn’t be caught dead there.” Nachum then looked around the room and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Plus, his pants legs were long enough to reach his shoes.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with Yankel, who sits next to David in Mincha sometimes. “He kept bragging about his wife’s gefilte fish, which is really weird. But when he said that he was looking forward to Pesach ‘because of all the yummy matzoh‘, I alerted my Rosh Yeshiva. I mean, I also told him that David didn’t know how to unfold a plastic tablecloth.”

Yet if it were not for the keen perception of the Community’s women, David and Rivkah’s deception might have gone undiscovered. “I really liked Rivkah and loved her cooking.” explained neighbor Sarah Shterna. “But when she told me that the soup she served on Shabbat had been in her freezer less than 5 months? Well, something just didn’t feel right. Also, she didn’t start her Pesach cleaning until early March.”

As we spoke to Sarah Shterna, another neighbor heard our conversation and joined in to share her story. “I started to feel uneasy around Purim when we got their mishloach manot and it didn’t have a “theme” or a poem attached.” noted Devorah Leah.  “But then Rivkah showed up to my son’s Bris at 10…. after I told her that it started at 10.”

The Daily Freier asked Devorah Leah about David and Rivkah’s future in the Community. “I’m not sure. The deception really hurt our feelings.” Deborah Leah thought for a moment and continued. “But if they ever try to do this the right way, their level of effort trying to act and look more Jewish than the Jews means they have the potential to be even more annoying than most converts.”

UPDATE: David and Rivkah just got an offer to help run Netanyahu’s social media accounts.

ISIS

Conspiracy Nut has a theory About ISIS that does not involve The Jews

conspiracy nutBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/24/2015 at 11:00 AM

Grand Forks, North Dakota: Part-time copyright researcher and full-time conspiracy theorist Bobby Holloman has some decidedly unorthodox ideas.  He has proof that the 1969 Lunar Landing was filmed in the back of a Stuckey’s Restaurant off of Interstate 40 near Amarillo.  He refuses to do business in paper currency, but rather barters for his needs using gold dust.  And don’t get him started on 9/11.  But perhaps his wackiest conspiracy theory to date involves  the Terror State of ISIS.  Bobby has a theory for their  origins and funding that does not involve the Pope, the Illuminati, the Federal Reserve, Queen Elizabeth, and most of all, the Joooooz.  The Daily Freier had the opportunity to speak with Bobby at his compound on the North Dakota prairie this week.

“Quick, come in and close the door behind you!  You only have seconds to spare!” implored Bobby as he ushered us into his home while scanning the sky for drones. “You want some water?  I drilled my own well! No fluoride for me!”

As we sat down in his living room, Bobby explained his theory on the origins of ISIS. “OK, this is going to sound crazy, but let me lay it out for you:  I believe that a combination of Saudi Arabia exporting Wahhabi ideology for a generation, oil money from corrupt Gulf States, veteran Jihadists of Al Qaeda’s wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Chechnya…..plus a confused Western Civilization led by a man who thinks Climate Change is its greatest threat– these factors combined to create the conditions for ISIS.”

When the Daily Freier challenged him on his wacky theory, Bobby elaborated. “Of course, Bashar Assad and Hezbollah can take some credit for killing peaceful Syrian protesters in 2011 instead of negotiating with a frustrated Sunni majority. And of course Iran was pulling Bashar’s strings…….then there’s the West’s Progressive Left that seems to hate its own civilization more than it hates ISIS…..of course Al Jazeera should take a bow for beaming Islamist propaganda into millions of homes for 20 years…..I mean, call me crazy but let’s connect the dots.”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, Bobby asked us if we wanted to get on his mailing list because he was about to publish a manifesto explaining exactly how the Kardashians became famous.