Santa Fe: Political Nerds everywhere (Hi!) are beyond excited this week with the news that former CIA Agent Valerie Plame is running for Congress in New Mexico! For those of you playing along at home, Ms. Plame was in the middle of a giant Balagan about 15 years ago about the Iraq War, secret identities, Dick Cheney, Weapons of Mass Destruction and a bunch of other things from a decade Before the Covfefe Era (BCE). Anyhoo, in addition to all that, Ms. Plame used to be really into Twitter, but now we can’t find her account. Which is weird, cuz it had some pretty cool stuff on it. Like the time she retweeted a story called “America’s Jews Are Driving America’s Wars“. But that was an honest mistake that she owned up to by saying…. ummm…. “Many neocon hawks ARE Jewish.” Yet this was really just an isolated incident, except, umm, for the other time that she retweeted a 9/11 Conspiracy theory about Dancing Jooz.
Fortunately, Ms. Plame has moved on after her campaign manager snatched her Iphone and deleted her Twitter account and just launched her Congressional Campaign with an A-Ma-Zing video where she drives a Camaro in the desert in reverse faster than Israel created ISIS. Because let’s face it, there’s not a minute to spare. We need Ms. Plame to put on her old CIA sleuth hat and get to the bottom of some stuff that’s been keeping us up at night. Such as….
Who poisoned the village well?
(Something about the Rothschilds. And The Freemasons. And an Octopus.)
And of course…
3. What’s gives their matzoh that special zing?
As a special treat, Ms. Plame also informed us that she has previously unmentioned Jewish ancestors! You know, like Ken Livingstone’s grandmother! And, umm….Julia Salazar. OMG! Or as Ms. Plame now says, ‘Oy Gevalt!’
Camden, London: Today a very irate Labour Activist is demanding to know why she wasn’t invited to join Jeremy Corbyn’s secret Anti-Semitic Facebook Group “Palestine Live”. An investigation by David Collier uncovered that the Secret Facebook Group “trafficked in anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, posted articles by Neo-Nazis, denied Israel’s right to exist, and called pro-Israel Jews “Zio-Nazis.” The group included Holocaust Denier Paul Eisen, as well as “the Jew who was too Anti-Semitic for the BDS Movement” Gilad Atzmon. And in a revelation that shocked people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the head of Breaking the Silence was also a member of the group…..Well rest assured, Labour Member of Parliament Danielle Lynne-Stephens is quite upset and wants to know why she never received an invite. The Daily Freier stopped by Momentum Headquarters in London to meet up with MP Lynne-Stephens and have a little chat.
Danielle went on to explain just how unfair her exclusion from the group was. “How many times do I need to talk about the Rothschilds before I get an invite? And the sad part is, I could have really helped them with the quality of their memes……Like, they passed around pictures of hook-nosed Jews with demonic eyes? Big Deal. For a month my profile picture was a giant octopus with a big nose and a Star of David!”“I’m sorry, but my obsessive hatred of Israel takes a back seat to nobody in that group. Posting articles by David Duke? Hellooooo? David Duke once posted an article written by me!….Saying that 9/11 was an Israeli False-Flag operation? Please. I’ve been saying it since the days of dial-up Internet.”
“It just isn’t fair.” Danielle continued. “How many times do I have to use the word “Zio” before I start getting the respect I deserve? And don’t tell me Corbyn didn’t know I wasn’t in the group. He commented and ‘Liked’ posts all the time! I’m tempted to take a walk over to Jeremy’s gardening allotment and give him a piece of my mind.”
For his part, Mr. Corbyn says he denounces anti-Semitism in all its forms and has launched a committee to look into any wrong-doing by Labour MP’s. The Committee will be led by Ken Livingstone, Jackie Walker, and George Galloway.
London: Former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone took time out of his busy schedule of claiming that Hitler was a Zionist to discover that he may very well be Jewish. “Greville Janner used to drive me home from the House of Commons at night. We would chat away about the Middle East. He would speculate about whether or not I was Jewish because my grandmother’s name was Zona.” (Reader Alert! He reallyreallysaid this! He also said that some of his best friends are Jewish!)
Mr. Livingstone continued to describe his mystical journey. “I felt that the best way to honor my heritage would be to bestow myself a Jewish name. Henceforth, you can address me as Ken Ben Zona!”
The UK’s Jewish Community responded wholeheartedly to the news. Local businessman Darren B. was very excited. “The next time somebody accuses Mr. Livingstone of being against the Jews, I’m going to tell them that Ken’s not an Anti-Semite, he’s a Ben Zona!”
In order to get a Legalistic view of this exciting development, the Daily Freier traveled to Golders Green and spoke to Rabbi Chaim L., who explained that since Judaism has a matrilineal tradition, “Ken’s been Ben Zona the whole time, even if he only discovered this now!”