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Selichot. What an amazing time of year. Just amazing. Praying for forgiveness from transgressions. So much transgressions. You guys had so much transgressions that you actually got bored of transgressions! You said “Please! No more transgressions! We’re tired of transgressions!” Anyways, like I said, just some amazing, amazing prayers. The best prayers. Just the best. Incredible prayers. And the Kavana. Just incredible Kavana. Believe me, no complaints about the Kavana.

But what exactly did all these people do that they need all this Selichot? Great question. Great, great question. So let’s start with the people who transgressed against me. Because, believe me, nobody has been transgressed against more than I have. Let’s go down the list.

Billy Bush. He should ask Selichot just for being a dumbass and not destroying the Access Hollywood tapes. I mean, why keep a record of this Locker Room talk? Know what I mean? Then again, he’s out of a job now and I’m not. So no harm no foul. Come to think of it, he’s the second Bush who was out of a job in 2016 because of me. Funny how that happens.

Paul Ryan. Oh boy. This guy needs some serious Selichot. No loyalty. Sad. Very, Very Sad. Who knows, maybe he can ask his buddy Mitt Romney for some Selichot or something. Next.

Dennis Rodman’s pal. What his name. Kim Jong Whatever. Rocket Man. I don’t know, maybe he could ask for Selichot with a side of kimchi. Next.

William Kristol. I hear that he asked for Selichot in the Weekly Standard, but because nobody reads that site anymore, it didn’t count. Next.

Hillary. What can I say? I mean, can you ask Selichot for being a loser? I hear she also blamed Selichot for blowing the election in that book she wrote. Next.

Comey. Yeah. Comey, Comey, Comey. Maybe he can ask his detectives if they found any Selichot when they wiretapped Trump Tower. Because up until now, all they’ve discovered is covfefe

Anthony Weiner. Wow. You know I had that guy’s number from Day One, right? Just a sick, sick guy. How he pulled a dime piece like Huma is beyond me. So maybe we can buy him some Selichot from the prison commissary. But you know what? Gotta admit. I owe that guy. And his Internet history. On Huma’s laptop. That they found in October. The week before the election. So you know what Anthony? Me and you are cool.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that a lot of you need Selichot. So stop by Trump Yeshiva for some help with your Selichot, maybe a drosh. If you stop by during the month of September, we will even throw in a case of Trump Steaks. Chag Sameah Bitches.

May 1, 2017 (Happy May Day!)

Memorandum For: Korean Central News Agency

From: The Daily Freier

Subject: Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Greetings from the Daily Freier, a people’s collective located in the humid and cosmopolitan coastal region of Tel Aviv tasked with providing timely and useful information to the hardworking farmers, intellectuals, and factory workers of the surrounding villages and hamlets!

We understand that the Defense Minister of our nation, Mr. Liberman, said some very rude and hurtful things about the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea, the Honorable Kim Jong-un. And this makes us very sad. This sort of malicious gossip is the type of idle chatter that one would expect from the clique of popular students at a Young Women’s’ Revolutionary School of Technology and Science when they are speaking of the new girl who has just arrived from a smaller, less prestigious Revolutionary School of Technology and Science located in a more provincial and traditional region. Do you know what we’re saying?

Due to the unfortunate and unhelpful statements of Mr. Liberman, the Daily Freier has decided to take bold action and appoint our august publication as the Central Secretariat for all future correspondence between our two fraternal and honorable nations. Henceforth, you can feel free to ignore the statements of Mr. Liberman, and quite frankly, just about the rest of our leaders. Why not? We here in Israel do it every day. It is actually quite therapeutic.

In the spirit of progress and fraternal goodwill, we at the Daily Freier offer our services to your Honorable News Agency for the distribution of relevant and timely information pertaining to the activities and achievements of our respective peoples, specifically in the subjects of agriculture, iron smelting, small tractor preventive maintenance, and forestry. Once again, please ignore the boisterous and foolish words of our leaders! In the words of the lively and honest peoples’ vernacular of the urban North American proletariat, “We got you, fam”.

Yours in Fraternal Solidarity,