Tag: selichot

The spiritual journey of Selichot, by Donald J. Trump

Daily Freier Selichot Donald TrumpSelichot. What an amazing time of year. Just amazing. Praying for forgiveness from transgressions. So much transgressions. You guys had so much transgressions that you actually got bored of transgressions! You said “Please! No more transgressions! We’re tired of transgressions!” Anyways, like I said, just some amazing, amazing prayers. The best prayers. Just the best. Incredible prayers. And the Kavana. Just incredible Kavana. Believe me, no complaints about the Kavana.

But what exactly did all these people do that they need all this Selichot? Great question. Great, great question. So let’s start with the people who transgressed against me. Because, believe me, nobody has been transgressed against more than I have. Let’s go down the list.

Billy Bush. He should ask Selichot just for being a dumbass and not destroying the Access Hollywood tapes. I mean, why keep a record of this Locker Room talk? Know what I mean? Then again, he’s out of a job now and I’m not. So no harm no foul. Come to think of it, he’s the second Bush who was out of a job in 2016 because of me. Funny how that happens.

Paul Ryan. Oh boy. This guy needs some serious Selichot. No loyalty. Sad. Very, Very Sad. Who knows, maybe he can ask his buddy Mitt Romney for some Selichot or something. Next.

Dennis Rodman’s pal. What his name. Kim Jong Whatever. Rocket Man. I don’t know, maybe he could ask for Selichot with a side of kimchi. Next.

William Kristol. I hear that he asked for Selichot in the Weekly Standard, but because nobody reads that site anymore, it didn’t count. Next.

Hillary. What can I say? I mean, can you ask Selichot for being a loser? I hear she also blamed Selichot for blowing the election in that book she wrote. Next.

Comey. Yeah. Comey, Comey, Comey. Maybe he can ask his detectives if they found any Selichot when they wiretapped Trump Tower. Because up until now, all they’ve discovered is covfefe

Anthony Weiner. Wow. You know I had that guy’s number from Day One, right? Just a sick, sick guy. How he pulled a dime piece like Huma is beyond me. So maybe we can buy him some Selichot from the prison commissary. But you know what? Gotta admit. I owe that guy. And his Internet history. On Huma’s laptop. That they found in October. The week before the election. So you know what Anthony? Me and you are cool.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that a lot of you need Selichot. So stop by Trump Yeshiva for some help with your Selichot, maybe a drosh. If you stop by during the month of September, we will even throw in a case of Trump Steaks. Chag Sameah Bitches.

 

 

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New Yom Kippur App makes Synagogue attendance Optional

yom-kippur1-e1536835428658(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 10/11/2016 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv: Synagogue attendances on the High Holy Days is projected to plummet to new lows after Israeli high-tech has ironically unveiled a new app that allows virtual attendance and charity donations from your mobile phone, once the particular holiday is over.

The controversial new app – known as Yom Kapp – was approved by the Rabbinate, after a generous donation from Vodafone, and was actually released in time for Jewish New Year – Rosh Hashanah. One of the novel features allowed people to upload their synagogue membership, selichot, birth certificate, therapy bills and digitally sign themselves into the E-Book of Life. The files are then emailed during Adon Olam to the Rabbi, a sort of Judge Judy without the humor, and, if approved, you receive the e-book in a PDF which you can save to your phone and take with you to the Pearly Gates, when the time comes. Given our fierce attachment to our mobile phones, MOTT (members of the tribe) will be allowed to be buried with their phones, breaking millennia-old Halachic law, as long as the phones are not NOKIA or anything before an IPhone 4, and contracts have been changed to Pay As You Go.

A bonus feature for Yom Kippur allows absentee Jews to play “What will I eat first?”, a new game allowing them to identify their cravings as soon as the fast has ended. This is automatically linked through GPS to your local Chinese takeaway. A shofar ringtone will be available for one day only and you can leave WhatsApp voicemails with spiritual questions for the Rabbi or polite requests for the cantor to speed up.

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