Tag: Election 2016

Judaism, The Donald September 20, 2017September 20, 2017

The spiritual journey of Selichot, by Donald J. Trump

Selichot. What an amazing time of year. Just amazing. Praying for forgiveness from transgressions. So much transgressions. You guys had so much transgressions that you actually got bored of transgressions! You said “Please! No more transgressions! We’re tired of transgressions!” Anyways, like I said, just some amazing, amazing prayers. The best prayers. Just the best. Incredible prayers. And the Kavana. Just incredible Kavana. Believe me, no complaints about the Kavana.

But what exactly did all these people do that they need all this Selichot? Great question. Great, great question. So let’s start with the people who transgressed against me. Because, believe me, nobody has been transgressed against more than I have. Let’s go down the list.

Billy Bush. He should ask Selichot just for being a dumbass and not destroying the Access Hollywood tapes. I mean, why keep a record of this Locker Room talk? Know what I mean? Then again, he’s out of a job now and I’m not. So no harm no foul. Come to think of it, he’s the second Bush who was out of a job in 2016 because of me. Funny how that happens.

Paul Ryan. Oh boy. This guy needs some serious Selichot. No loyalty. Sad. Very, Very Sad. Who knows, maybe he can ask his buddy Mitt Romney for some Selichot or something. Next.

Dennis Rodman’s pal. What his name. Kim Jong Whatever. Rocket Man. I don’t know, maybe he could ask for Selichot with a side of kimchi. Next.

William Kristol. I hear that he asked for Selichot in the Weekly Standard, but because nobody reads that site anymore, it didn’t count. Next.

Hillary. What can I say? I mean, can you ask Selichot for being a loser? I hear she also blamed Selichot for blowing the election in that book she wrote. Next.

Comey. Yeah. Comey, Comey, Comey. Maybe he can ask his detectives if they found any Selichot when they wiretapped Trump Tower. Because up until now, all they’ve discovered is covfefe

Anthony Weiner. Wow. You know I had that guy’s number from Day One, right? Just a sick, sick guy. How he pulled a dime piece like Huma is beyond me. So maybe we can buy him some Selichot from the prison commissary. But you know what? Gotta admit. I owe that guy. And his Internet history. On Huma’s laptop. That they found in October. The week before the election. So you know what Anthony? Me and you are cool.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that a lot of you need Selichot. So stop by Trump Yeshiva for some help with your Selichot, maybe a drosh. If you stop by during the month of September, we will even throw in a case of Trump Steaks. Chag Sameah Bitches.

Election 2016, Guest Writer Wednesday November 23, 2016November 23, 2016

Nursery Rhyme Characters join Post-Election Protests

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/23/2016 at 8:00 AM

London: The twin shock wins of Brexit and Apprentice host Donald Trump have produced an unexpected surge in violent protests and assaults among nursery rhyme characters.

Lazy chav Humpty Dumpty was arrested in England for racially attacking Polish construction
workers after he fell from a retaining wall, which left him unable to get disability benefits for a fractured fibula. Also arrested was an angry Little Miss Muffet for throwing her old tuffet, the only furniture she had left after IKEA relocated all its branches to Ireland.

Old Macdonald left his barren farm, together with Mary, who had to eat her little lamb or go to a food shelter, and Little Bo Peep, who did lose her entire flock …to a lousy exchange rate, to show moral support for poor Baa Baa Black Sheep. Baa had no wool left after the EU stopped its subsidies, killing off his farm and it also refused to import the three bags full that he had produced because of EU quotas applicable to Brexit Britain.

Meanwhile, Stateside, Jill was left seething after boyfriend Jack, who went to fetch her a pail of water, broke his crown but was left uninsured to see a dentist after Trump threw out Obamacare.

Over at the Spout, Itsy Bitsy Spider failed to climb it when the sun didn’t come out to dry the rain after Donald ripped up America’s pledge to curb greenhouse gases.

And having kissed all the girls and made them cry, Georgie Porgie avoided a harassment lawsuit and was given a cabinet position by Trump, in quite a turnaround for li’l Georgie. When the boys came out to play, Georgie didn’t always run away so he was forced to undergo the ‘conversion’ therapy urged (and experienced) by VP Mike-on-the-down-low Pence.

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Carlos Danger, Dating and Relationships, Election 2016 November 22, 2016January 18, 2017

Anthony Weiner busted for sexting underage horse

By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 7:00 PM

Nunnelly, Tennessee: Troubled former Congressman/Freakiest Jew we know/Twitter aficionado/Huma’s Ex, Anthony Weiner is in the spotlight once again, after a filly he rode at his sex addiction clinic claimed that they have been engaged in an online sexting relationship since soon after his arrival at the rural Tennessee locale. “Lightning”, a 3-year-old Palomino, claims that she first initiated contact with Mr. Weiner based on her admiration for his progressive values, but that the conversation quickly took a different turn.

“When Anthony first got here, I was just so excited. I followed him in Congress when he stood up for Medicaid and 9/11 First Responders, and just wanted to thank him for everything he did for the Progressive Cause. I never thought things would get weird and sexual. OK….. I mean we’re talking Anthony Weiner, so I thought ‘ Hey, maybe things will get weird and sexual‘, but then I was like ‘But hey! I’m a horse!‘ You know what I’m saying?”

Yet that is exactly what happened. Lightning, who won’t be a mare until next Spring, continued. “Soon our chats got freakier and freakier. I knew things were spinning out of control when he asked for pictures of me posing without a saddle.”

As the Daily Freier dug deeper into the story, Lightning admitted that she leaked the story after finding out that Mr. Weiner was also exchanging texts with a Clydesdale named Ruby, an Apaloosa named Far Lap, and a Shetland Pony. “So yeah. Not only was he a bit of a freak, but he was a two, three, four-timing freak.” Lightning stopped for a moment to pick at the alfalfa in her feed bag. “Meeting a nice guy shouldn’t be this difficult.”

When the Daily Freier challenged Lightning that her story was a bit incredulous, she countered. “What…You never heard of a talking horse?”

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Election 2016, Guest Writer Wednesday, The Donald November 5, 2016November 5, 2016

Donald & Hillary: You’re Fired

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 11/5/2016 at 4:30 PM

Washington: Three hundred million people stateside have been left scratching their heads as both Presidential candidates have dropped out of the U.S. election in as dramatic fashion as it started.

Like the genre of reality show that trumpeted the rise of the Donald, Republican Party leadership told him yesterday: “Donald you’re fired!” as it emerged that the pool of married women left untarnished by Donald for THEM to have affairs with was diminished. He was spotted clinging on to his toupee and golf clubs as he hurried away in a New York cab.

As the news filtered through to a glacial Hillary, she was photographed by the paparazzi, lying in an old pantsuit next to a rusty needle in the sukkah of her son-in-law, smoking a doobie and sucking the juice out of an etrog, insisting “I don’t got no fricking problem, I am gonna castrate the sumbitch.” The Daily Freier’s investigations are inconclusive if she was talking about Anthony Weiner or her husband. There was a knock on the door by men with white coats as Bill looked away, sheepishly at a glossy picture of Monica Lewinsky on the mantlepiece.

Diminished by an embarrassing Brexit, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth made the unusual foray into offering an opinion in the political arena, by bringing up the possibility of renewed British colonialism, saying: “One is happy to take back the United States on a temporary basis until sense and stability have returned, but we demand that they keep Spice Girl Mel B. Oh and Piers Morgan too.”

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