SCENE: Headquarters, Justice League of Unemployed Lefty “Experts”
Former President Barack Obama: People, let me perfectly clear. These protests. In Iran. Are contributing. To instability. In the Middle East. And more importantly. They are. Endangering. My Legacy. Which is. The Iran Nuclear Deal.
Former Secretary of State John Forbes Kerry: I actually was for these protests, before I was against them.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: (Stumbles in dressed in hiking gear and clutching a bottle of Chardonnay): Let’s tell everyone to be quiet and not voice support for the protesters. I mean, it worked last time.
Selichot. What an amazing time of year. Just amazing. Praying for forgiveness from transgressions. So much transgressions. You guys had so much transgressions that you actually got bored of transgressions! You said “Please! No more transgressions! We’re tired of transgressions!” Anyways, like I said, just some amazing, amazing prayers. The best prayers. Just the best. Incredible prayers. And the Kavana. Just incredible Kavana. Believe me, no complaints about the Kavana.
But what exactly did all these people do that they need all this Selichot? Great question. Great, great question. So let’s start with the people who transgressed against me. Because, believe me, nobody has been transgressed against more than I have. Let’s go down the list.
Billy Bush. He should ask Selichot just for being a dumbass and not destroying the Access Hollywood tapes. I mean, why keep a record of this Locker Room talk? Know what I mean? Then again, he’s out of a job now and I’m not. So no harm no foul. Come to think of it, he’s the second Bush who was out of a job in 2016 because of me. Funny how that happens.
Paul Ryan. Oh boy. This guy needs some serious Selichot. No loyalty. Sad. Very, Very Sad. Who knows, maybe he can ask his buddy Mitt Romney for some Selichot or something. Next.
Dennis Rodman’s pal. What his name. Kim Jong Whatever. Rocket Man. I don’t know, maybe he could ask for Selichot with a side of kimchi. Next.
William Kristol. I hear that he asked for Selichot in the Weekly Standard, but because nobody reads that site anymore, it didn’t count. Next.
Comey. Yeah. Comey, Comey, Comey. Maybe he can ask his detectives if they found any Selichot when they wiretapped Trump Tower. Because up until now, all they’ve discovered is covfefe
Anthony Weiner. Wow. You know I had that guy’s number from Day One, right? Just a sick, sick guy. How he pulled a dime piece like Huma is beyond me. So maybe we can buy him some Selichot from the prison commissary. But you know what? Gotta admit. I owe that guy. And his Internet history. On Huma’s laptop. That they found in October. The week before the election. So you know what Anthony? Me and you are cool.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that a lot of you need Selichot. So stop by Trump Yeshiva for some help with your Selichot, maybe a drosh. If you stop by during the month of September, we will even throw in a case of Trump Steaks. Chag Sameah Bitches.
Sometimes, when one has received a helping hand …. or as we used to say in Chicago, “a solid“, it can be difficult to truly explain the emotions that one feels. Like gratitude. And that’s kind of the situation where we are right now. And by “we” I mean “you” the people of Israel. and “me” The President of the United States.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a lot that you can be thankful for. I mean, people have come up with a lot of ideas for peace. Bill Clinton did the whole “Peace Process” thing. And I suppose his idea of gaining the love and trust of the Israeli people before demanding tough concessions was a good idea… for the 90’s.
And I guess George W. Bush had an interesting plan as far as it goes in terms of building a deep personal bond with Ariel Sharon. But what did he get, besides Israel completely withdrawing from Gaza after 40 years and handing it over to the Palestinian Authority? Are you following?
So clearly, this problem was crying out for a new way of doing business. And that’s where I came in.
I know it’s been a while, but let’s look back to 2009 when I flew over here to address the Muslim World and notably didn’t take a detour to say hi to Israel. Brilliance. Or again, for a bit of Chicago vernacular, I flipped the script …. But it gets better.
Remember the Arab Spring? Gotta say, that Mubarak character was a bit of “old hat“. Why not take a spin with the Muslim Brotherhood? As my friend Hillary would say, “What difference does it make?”
Which brings us to Syria. So there’s some folks who said the best path was to just do nothing and keep quiet. Bu that doesn’t represent. Our values. As Americans. And then you had some folks popping off. Saying we should establish a No-Fly Zone. But all of these folks failed to see the Third Approach: lecture and criticize Putin and Assad without actually, like, doing anything to back it up. And bang! We were able to bear witness and hold Putin Assad accountable, without, like, actually having to hold them accountable.
Now when we look at the Iran Deal, a lot of folks said it couldn’t be done. That our positions were too far apart. And then we had some folks. Right here in Israel. And they were popping off about this. Without knowing. All the facts. But they didn’t have the big picture. Which I had. And my Administration showed. That if you just gave Iran everything they asked for plus 20%, that they could be reasonable.
So after spending eight years with someone, you’re able to know what your partner is saying without them saying anything at all. Like that Alison Krauss song that’s so popular with the Deplorables rural folks. So I hear what you’re saying, Israel. And all I have to say, is ‘You’re welcome‘.
As the news filtered through to a glacial Hillary, she was photographed by the paparazzi, lying in an old pantsuit next to a rusty needle in the sukkah of her son-in-law, smoking a doobie and sucking the juice out of an etrog, insisting “I don’t got no fricking problem, I am gonna castrate the sumbitch.” The Daily Freier’s investigations are inconclusive if she was talking about Anthony Weiner or her husband. There was a knock on the door by men with white coats as Bill looked away, sheepishly at a glossy picture of Monica Lewinsky on the mantlepiece.
Diminished by an embarrassing Brexit, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth made the unusual foray into offering an opinion in the political arena, by bringing up the possibility of renewed British colonialism, saying: “One is happy to take back the United States on a temporary basis until sense and stability have returned, but we demand that they keep Spice Girl Mel B.Oh and Piers Morgan too.”
Washington: Top Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abdedin is in a bit of a pickle lately after leaked emails reveal that she had some not-so-nice things to say about the American Israel Public Affairs Council (AIPAC). Ms. Abedin, the brilliant Washington insider who married and had a child with the underwear selfie artist formerly known as Anthony Weiner AKA “Carlos Danger”, referred to AIPAC as “that crowd“.
Reston, Virginia: Noted pundit Max Blumenthal dropped a bombshell of an accusation earlier today: that Israel’s Clandestine Service undertook a secret program that slowly and deliberately transformed him into a hack writer who cashes in on the connections of his father, noted Hillary Clinton advisor Sidney Blumenthal. The Daily Freier sat down with Max at a local Starbucks to get the whole Megillah.
“It all started about 10 years ago. I was a somewhat intelligent, if not particularly original college graduate. I guess the Mossad saw that as a threat. So they must have given me some sort of serum I guess. Or subliminal messages in my TV. Or maybe put a virus on my Mac…. Anyhow, within a couple of years I realized that I had degenerated into a cliché-ridden anti-Israel hack writer. And yeah, Dad did not like that at all.”
The Daily Freier pressed Mr. Blumenthal for details on his alarming accusation.”I still don’t totally get it myself. Things just got….weird. For example, this German politician called me an Anti-Semite. So somehow the Mossad got me to follow him into a public restroom so I could yell at him. Now I’m banned from the Bundestag. [NOTE: THIS REALLY HAPPENED]. Real crazy stuff. And then, get this, the Israeli’s got a guy at that right-wing magazine ‘The Nation’ to describe my book as having been written for “The Hamas Book of the Month Club”…. I gotta admit, that’s pretty clever…..But yeah, Dad fixed that guy good.“
In order to hear all sides of this troubling saga, the Daily Freier reached out to the Clinton campaign to get Hillary’s take on what her Key Advisor’s son has been up to vis-a-vis the Joooz. In response, her campaign spokesperson provided the following statement. ‘Secretary Clinton has nothing but the highest regard for Max. Which is why the campaign has provided him a generous grant to help with ‘Campaign Outreach’ in Papua New Guinea. The grant runs through mid-November, and unfortunately there won’t be a lot of Internet for Max to communicate with the rest of the World. But that’s the price one must pay for his expertise. We look forward to reading his Trip Report sometime around Thanksgiving.”
Jerusalem: In a tense press conference, Prime Minister Netanyahu made his strongest accusation to date: that Iran had a clandestine plan in place to manufacture the substance most feared by White Western Progressives: Gluten. Netanyahu walked an at-first skeptical media step by step on Iran’s dual-use bakeries, illegal import of non-EU compliant pasta, and an array of centrifuges spinning high-grade gluten out of low-grade pita bread.
The International Community reacted in panic, with multiple food co-ops in Hendon, San Francisco, Ann Arbor, and Ithaca shutting down temporarily in a panic. Ann Arbor Peoples’ Socialist Inclusive Food and Wellness Cooperative Collective Chairperson, NightSky Dyson summed up the feeling of the Progressive Community. “ When I saw Netanyahu’s speech, I thought it was going to be more of his ‘Iran’s getting the bomb’ blah-blah bullshit. But this…..this is serious. Sorry, I need to go; we’re going to need to stock up on a LOT more yogurt cultures. Wait….do you think we can blame this on the Occupation?”
The Jewish Progressive Left was equally confused. Jeremy Ben-Ami, Grand Poobah over at J-Street, summed up the feelings of angst. “I hope you appreciate how delicate this situation is. There is only one thing that my constituents dislike more than Israel Netanyahu’s policies, and that’s gluten.”
The reaction of the American political class was equally swift. Noted purveyor of wisdom Donald Trump declared that he would have cut a better deal with the Iranians that would have left them with only gluten-free products. President Obama admonished Americans not to discuss “so-called gluten” and that the current development was just the work of “some folks on the wrong side of dietary history”. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton mentioned that during her tenure, she flew 900,000 miles trying to combat gluten, while current Secretary of State Kerry noted that he was for gluten before he was against it. Former President Clinton adamantly declared that he in fact did not have sexual relations with that gluten.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.