Tag: Brokeback Mountain

The New York Times

OPINION: Nicholas Kristof Has Sex With Gerbils
You give me the sweetest taboo.

This is a very difficult moment for us at the Daily Freier. But in the interest of Integrity in Media, we cannot remain silent. For we are Journalists. Shining the Bright Light of Fact-Finding into the void. We MUST speak Truth to Power. So here goes…..

NICHOLAS KRISTOF HAS SEX WITH GERBILS. Yes. You heard it here first. Nicholas is chasing a certain furry friend around the hamster wheel and things are getting Frisky. Is it love? Who are we to judge. But to quote Mr. Kristof, “If this ain’t love, why does it feel so good?” Much like the New York Times, when we aren’t 100% sure of something we just throw it in the Opinion section. Just to be safe. Yet once again, we feel REALLY strongly that this story is true, and in the spirit of Nicholas Kristof, we got 14 people to agree with us. So there you go. But back to Nicholas Kristof Shtupping gerbils…..

We first spoke about this breaking news with Dr. Ryan Bellerose at the Northern Alberta Institute for Media Issues. Doctor Bellerose shared his research with the Daily Freier. “My cousin’s neighbor’s brother is Mr. Kristof’s dry cleaner. He says the stories are all true.” Ryan scratched his chin and looked into the distance for a moment. “Also, he saw Kristof at Blockbuster Video in 2003 renting ‘Pretty Woman’ starring Richard Gere.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with our Frenemies in the Anglo Themed Israel Satire World, Preoccupied Territory.  “I know a thing or two about this subject, and Kristof is cold busted.” noted Mr. Territory.”Those saying that a human-hamster coupling is anatomically impossible are in Denial.” Mr. Preoccupied then began furiously going through old texts on his phone. “Wait, do you think Michael Sfard And Jill Jacobs are going to sue me for this?“

“Ahoy There!”
“So are we just spinning our wheels?”

 

 

 

“I wish I knew how to quit you.”
“Disco Inferno!”

 

 

 

 

Barack Obama, Binyamin Netanyahu

Technion builds Turbine to harness Sexual Tension between Bibi & Obama

Bibi Obama sexual tensionBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 3:30 PM

Haifa: Ahead of their high-profile meeting in Washington this week, a team of scientists at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have managed to harness the animosity sexual tension between Binyamin Netanyahu and  Barack Obama to power a small turbine on the Israeli Coast just south of Haifa.  The Daily Freier attended a press conference where the lead scientists explained this fascinating breakthrough.

_Obama_Netanyahu_e_2515610k“It is actually a rather simple concept” explained Doctoral Student Gideon B. “The intense feelings these men have for one another actually charge the ions in the air around them with opposite yet attracting polarities.  If properly captured, these ions can then generate a very powerful electric current. This current in turn spins turbines allowing us to generate several Megawatts of power, the exact level depending on whether or not Jeffrey Goldberg has published a column that day”

Netanyahu-obama-israel-010At this point, co-moderator Alex G. played a short video demonstrating the concept. “So in the turbine itself, we play a constant newsfeed of the two men interacting in public……OK, so here we have the two leaders awkwardly hugging on a tarmac……..And now we have them publicly contradicting one another at a joint press conference, like a bickering couple……And now we have a picture of them staring into one another’s eyes.  It looks like they can’t stand each other, but it’s really a thin line between love and hate.  You can literally feel the excitement in the air.  I don’t know about you, but the hair on my arms are sticking out right now.”

While the commercial and economic feasibility of the generator have yet to be fully determined, Gideon noted that if he could only find a picture of the two leaders in matching denim jackets and cowboy hats, he could power the City of Haifa for months.